LonelyKitten
Seeking one final escape
- Aug 13, 2023
- 284
So after yesterday's horror show, I actually slept quite well.
I decided I was in too much shock, and since I had a bad food (that I know generally amplifies my anxiety, bad feelings), I got myself something nice to eat and went to bed early.
I will say, that brief A&E stay in the UK taught me how to take care of myself in severe distress.
I was so fearful, so desperate to die, but a combination of fighting for what I need in spite of this, and treating myself to enough food as well as a little entertainment can bring calm.
In spite of everything, I had quite serene dreams, to be honest.
They reminded me of my childhood times.
I'd have fantasy-based dreams back then, because I loved the world of video games, cartoons and such (think: Zelda, Fairy Oddparents, Newgrounds).
To cope with that shitty reality I lived in, and save money (there was not enough for food or social activities), I'd listen to music and daydream a lot.
One thing that stuck out to me was, the dream was very explicit.
"I can go at any moment!", I said with a smile, as I got out of bed inside my dream.
I was told in the dream that once I die, I'd be able to listen to music forever.
Is this true, hm?
There were a lot of themes of sort of, pulling me away, asking me to join some mystical world/group.
It sounds like I'm being told I'll enter the dream world once I hang. That doesn't sound bad...
As an adult now, I much preferred living in the real world as much as possible, however, the life I'm stuck in now (not my proper/US life) is nothing but horror. *My* real world is gone.
Well, I already discovered that the full suspension hanging itself, that I set up, will be peaceful, in terms of, as a physical act itself.
Now I've got the biggest call of the void, to match the biggest shock in my life.
Not only will the hanging be peaceful, but it will lead me to a permanent personal peace.
I wonder if the location of where I pass will affect where I go?
I have a few more days and a small amount of money left.
I don't think I can stay past this week, because I've nowhere to flee, yet.
For these final moments, I suppose I feel somewhat empowered to ask for help a few more times where applicable, see if real life wishes to offer me anything still.
If only life just reached out its hand, yeah?
Just give me a chance, yeah?
I have a lot to give, I know it.
Oh, if only I could've flown back to New York, I was so excited...
But if the world still doesn't end up wanting me...
It will be okay, too.
In the meantime, I can find solace in your folks' company.
I won't die entirely alone
We're all here... Supportive.
I decided I was in too much shock, and since I had a bad food (that I know generally amplifies my anxiety, bad feelings), I got myself something nice to eat and went to bed early.
I will say, that brief A&E stay in the UK taught me how to take care of myself in severe distress.
I was so fearful, so desperate to die, but a combination of fighting for what I need in spite of this, and treating myself to enough food as well as a little entertainment can bring calm.
In spite of everything, I had quite serene dreams, to be honest.
They reminded me of my childhood times.
I'd have fantasy-based dreams back then, because I loved the world of video games, cartoons and such (think: Zelda, Fairy Oddparents, Newgrounds).
To cope with that shitty reality I lived in, and save money (there was not enough for food or social activities), I'd listen to music and daydream a lot.
One thing that stuck out to me was, the dream was very explicit.
"I can go at any moment!", I said with a smile, as I got out of bed inside my dream.
I was told in the dream that once I die, I'd be able to listen to music forever.
Is this true, hm?
There were a lot of themes of sort of, pulling me away, asking me to join some mystical world/group.
It sounds like I'm being told I'll enter the dream world once I hang. That doesn't sound bad...
As an adult now, I much preferred living in the real world as much as possible, however, the life I'm stuck in now (not my proper/US life) is nothing but horror. *My* real world is gone.
Well, I already discovered that the full suspension hanging itself, that I set up, will be peaceful, in terms of, as a physical act itself.
Now I've got the biggest call of the void, to match the biggest shock in my life.
Not only will the hanging be peaceful, but it will lead me to a permanent personal peace.
I wonder if the location of where I pass will affect where I go?
I have a few more days and a small amount of money left.
I don't think I can stay past this week, because I've nowhere to flee, yet.
For these final moments, I suppose I feel somewhat empowered to ask for help a few more times where applicable, see if real life wishes to offer me anything still.
If only life just reached out its hand, yeah?
Just give me a chance, yeah?
I have a lot to give, I know it.
Oh, if only I could've flown back to New York, I was so excited...
But if the world still doesn't end up wanting me...
It will be okay, too.
In the meantime, I can find solace in your folks' company.
I won't die entirely alone
We're all here... Supportive.
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