Venting Don't you just feel numb all the time?

[Mark_Anatoly]

I want to CTB soon. Eyeing night-night, SN, or hanging as my options. Still, I don't get how night-night fully works.

Every time I've thought about CTB I've felt so fucking numb. I know it's the only peace I'll get, but "it's never the time" nor do I have the 'strength' for it. When I wake up and I try to kms but miss the opportunity for any reason, I wake up and feel so numb. Numb is the word to describe it, I probably feel so broken.

Though, no one will sympathize with my pain. Not even my own 'family.' They all tell me advice to cling on.

It never works. If they'd moved a feet inside of my shoes, they'll want what I want. It's so fucking numbing.

People suck, and believe me I used to love people. Considered myself a "humanist/humanitarian" for a while.

I've tried everything. Humor. Burying my emotions. Crying. Breaking myself. Loving myself. But I just can't feel satisfied in this place any longer. It's been a while since I've been able to confide this honestly. Last time I vented, a 'friend' completely disregarded everything I said then proceeded to intelligently scorn me. It feels like that one moment again in my life, or maybe the many moments in my life where people and groups break me with words and there's nothing I can do but quietly obey.

Endless pain, humiliation. It's how I feel everyday. I no longer find joy in anything, but even that's a cliche.

I'm broken, but I've been broken now for a long time. I don't share the same passion I had for people as I did back then.

Fuck people (except you guys, you're cool). People suck. "Hell is other people." — Sartre

If only I'd CTB'd a long time ago, then I wouldn't deal with this brain numbing and brain damaging bullshit.

Fuck everything and fuck it all, I'm just so tired, so numb. I need a smoke. I need a drink. Anything to satisfy.

 

[Hollowman]

Yep I'm dead inside.

 

[gingermacie]

Anything people tell me makes life worth living feels like nothing to me now. Friendship, family, purpose, accomplishment all feel the same compared to being alone and doing nothing. I think it's the cost of being over-medicated and under-treated along with being addicted to substances for so long. Anhedonia barely begins to describe the emptiness.

 

[Mark_Anatoly]

Yep I'm dead inside.

you and me both..

 

[gingermacie]

Oh yeah and I feel you on the drinking and smoking. The only way I can come close to happiness is if I drink and forget who I am.

 

[Kurai]

I feel the same way numb and tired of it all just want to die

 

[_Gollum_]

Anything people tell me makes life worth living feels like nothing to me now. Friendship, family, purpose, accomplishment all feel the same compared to being alone and doing nothing. I think it's the cost of being over-medicated and under-treated along with being addicted to substances for so long. Anhedonia barely begins to describe the emptiness.

I have seen the world's most beautiful places
Still I feel, as If I'm a walking machine
Watching it all through a screen
There ain't nothing in between
To me,
this might as well not be real

I've had the same experience. Doing things that are supposed to be fulfilling and then just getting nothing out of it.

 

[gingermacie]

I have seen the world's most beautiful places
Still I feel, as If I'm a walking machine
Watching it all through a screen
There ain't nothing in between
To me,
this might as well not be real

I've had the same experience. Doing things that are supposed to be fulfilling and then just getting nothing out of it.

Damn. If I were able to feel more I'd be tearing up to that song. I always turned down offers to travel with my family as a kid because I knew I'd feel nothing but stress. I wish I could experience the wonder and happiness others feel when going to a new country. Thanks for sharing.

 

[_Gollum_]

Damn. If I were able to feel more I'd be tearing up to that song. I always turned down offers to travel with my family as a kid because I knew I'd feel nothing but stress. I wish I could experience the wonder and happiness others feel when going to a new country. Thanks for sharing.

Yeah I know how you feel, several normies have suggested travelling to me as a way of getting out of my depression, but if I did that, I'd be just as depressed but in an unfamiliar environment with more stresses (not hypothetical, I actually did travel and experience that).