SpacexJunkie
Member
- Oct 17, 2023
- 47
So as the title reads' I don't yet understand my purpose for posting this other than maybe helping others who struggle with suicide to maybe see the light at the end of the tunnel I suppose, before I continue I want to make it clear that I am not a good writer, if anything confuses you, don't hesitate to ask questions.
I guess i'm gonna start by giving a detailed description of my life as much as i can without giving out personal details too much.
I was born in Colorado, moved to Washington at age 3 and stayed in this state ever since, I don't remember much of my earlier life, but from what i've been told and what i can remember we lived with family in colorado and had to move due to financial reasons and to be honest the town was sketchy, lots of gang violence and douchebags.
we moved to washington and my earliest memories are playing with my brother breaking into an apartment complex with a big field to play football while we used to walk our family dog.
I grew up with both parents and had a pretty good elementary school run until about 5th grade. I was in the same school from kindergarten until 4th grade, and then abruptly switched to a school that mainly speaks and writes in spanish.
this was my first encounter with bullying, I was a weird white kid around a bunch of hispanics and minorities, some others were white but most of the other whites at this school had been going there for awhile and 99 percent of them knew spanish as well which i did not.
previous to being admitted into this school I had good friends, good grades, and was in gifted classes.
things started going downhill, my first fight was just stupid kids talking shit to eachother on facebook, me and a kid that I will call "EF", this was my first "fight" where we barely hit eachother and had a teacher break it up, the fight started outside the school while everyone was waiting to be picked up.
the second fight was actually pretty funny kid who had been hitting me in class and one day poured hot glue on my neck and backpack, this kid fought me same day he poured it on me, and tried to swing on me after school again but tripped himself.
this fight only reinforced my desire to get stronger, as I didn't even get to throw and punch and know i would've lost had he not injured himself in his attempt, I tried to be less nerdy as to not get my ass beat, so I started hanging out with the "bad kids" who vaped and smoked weed and ditched school. I was actually pretty calm throughout middle school, in both middle schools I went to I always had friends, and they were all dope people, I started off at one school which I hated the layout of, but loved the staff and other students, they were all nice and cool and some even came from the school I had issues in, most of which had actually come to be my friends.
my only "real" fights from middle school both came from my first school which i actually enjoyed, because although i got into more fights at this school, they were a lot more lenient and understanding and gave out less severe punishments.
my most memorable fight at this school was I had a friend who we can call "cal" this was one of my first actual close friends, who i hung out with almost everyday. he has adhd and could be annoying but had a good heart and sense of humor, although not everyone liked cal, especially one kid we will call "Chihuahua", this little fucker was always on cals ass, telling him to shut up, and trying to start fights, one day i got fed up and told him if he has a problem he can come see me, after class this kid tried to choke me out above some stairs and i threw him down the stairs, we both got suspended for this for about a week.
I did get into another memorable scuffle at this school where a kid we will call "lex" actually stood up for me when another older student tried to attack me in the hallway my friend lex straight up threw his backpack at the guys face at which point they started fighting and i had to help my homie because he was defending me in the first place.
these are the only fights i can even remember from this school though.
my next school for my final year of middle school, 8th grade for me, was a school that had a better layout then the last one, easier to navigate, but i hated the staff and some students, I had friends at this school, as i did every school i went to, but I felt the most hatred at this school even though one of my fondest memories was from this school aswell.
I had gotten into a few fights at this school, one being with a kid who had a name similar to "lex" so lets just call him "lex 2", lex 2 didn't like me because again this was another person who tried to bully my friend cal, ever since we met, I made it clear cal was my homie and if you disrespect him you disrespect me and we gonna have problems, he never mentioned cal again but clearly had resentment towards me. there was a girl who always hung out with lex 2 that i liked and she knew this aswell, one day lex 2 got so mad i was talking to her he tried to set up a fight between me and him in the bathroom, I told him I didn't want to fight, but i wasnt gonna run away like a bitch so we fought, this was the first fight against someone clearly bigger and had the strength advantage but I just wouldn't give up and to be frank, I got lucky beating him up.
this person always felt some type of way, although he did eventually smoke weed with me once and it was a pretty chill interaction but this was way later in highschool.
the first time I actually felt super depressed was when my parents got divorced about a year into highschool, im not gonna talk much about the divorce, as thats they're business, but I will speak about the effects it had on me, my parents talk shit about eachother all the time which they both know is irresponsible and definitely impacted me, but i am closer to my mom 100 percent, I got kicked out of my first highschool for a number of reasons.
I had gotten arrested twice at this school for smoking weed, the second time I actually got called a snitch by the girl who sold me the weed, but come to find out shes labeled as a witness on my papers so I actually have documentation of her being a snitch but i digress, the other time I was smoking weed across from our school while i was skipping unlucky for me the school had an unnanounced fire drill and the whole school came over and we got in trouble.
my first time getting arrested during the fire drill, i recieved something called a deferal, charges get dropped if you go through with they're rehab, which i did.
my second time I got 2 weeks in juvie and originally had 6 months probation but after i violated probation it got extended to a year because my mom called the cops on me for leaving the house without persmission, admittedly to go smoke weed and either way i was gonna violate probation, dont blame my parents here.
after the violation i calmed down and just did my time without issues, I was hanging out with an almost completely new friendgroup in highschool minus a few friends i still visited here and there, but my main group of friends consisted of 5 people. 4 of them i was close friends with, the last person was mostly they're friend not mine. we will call this 5th person "Asshole".
Asshole is a kid who I originally had no issues with, but over time this guy "tried" me a few times for seemingly no reason i can find other than he didn't like me. we would all chill and smoke and the first fight we had was at a friends house he kept being annoying and hitting me while i was passed out, asked him to stop, he kept going so I socked him pretty hard which he responded to by kicking me full force in the face, so unsurprisingly, I started destroying him with punches to the point where I hit his head so hard he fell back into the wall and left a hole from the impact of his dome crashing into the wall.
the second time he tried to fight me was not as bad, but yet again at another friends house when we were both drunk he wanted to fight and tripped and hurt himself lmao, I wouldn't call it much of a fight, but he tried nonetheless.
the LAST fight I had with Asshole was my last fight with him when he was trying to impress a girl he liked by pressing me in class about how he could beat my ass, I wasn't going to get bitched, so I told him he can try. This time im in the middle of health class and this kid sucker punches me, i'm not gonna lie i pulled a bitch move because he rocked me a bit, I pulled his hoodie over his face so he couldnt see and slammed him to the ground then started punching him, our teacher pulled us apart and once we got to the office i was relieved it was over tbh, but little did i know this was the last time I would ever be in this school.
I will admit I had my issues, skipping every so often, drugs, and now fighting at this school and getting caught by staff. however Asshole also had the same issues and was a grade younger than me, the week before he had been suspended for bringing a full bottle of alcohol just for context.
apparently the principal said that other students said I used the n word during this fight, which i dont remember using, and had talking to people in the class and even Asshole to which all of them said was a lie. they just needed a reason to kick me out, especially since i know asshole uses the n word more than me, like I said its possible I did say it, and just dont remember, but I guranteee if im getting kicked out for that word asshole should have aswell, and many more students.
after I got kicked out of this school i really went down the path of drugs and skipping school especially since the new school I went to was an alternative school, and everyone there was almost the same type of person, kicked out for drugs or alcohol or fighting and came here, so I was stuck with the same like minded people.
you might think my main issues with depression stem from anything I have mentioned so far, and subconsiously you may be correct, it might have an even bigger impact than i even realize, but the main thing I actually got depressed about was one of my best friends sleeping with a girl who I clearly liked.
here is my specific situation, there was a girl i liked since middle school, when I switched schools in 8th grade i did not see her for awhile, not even in highschool UNTIL i got kicked out and went to the ALT highschool, for some reason I got the courage to start talking to her in late 10th early 11th grade. We talked alot and she invited me over to her house finally, at this point I was hanging out with her alot, texting her, etc. my friends knew she and i were talking is what im getting at.
I should've caught the red flags but tbh this was my first time actually with a girl for real, so I was just winging it, she invited me over we both got drunk and she initiated the sex talk, i originally said no, but she insisted, eventually i caved in, we had sex, all was well until i wanted another bottle for later, she said she could text someone and I thought she was asking for a bottle. I don't know who the fuck she texted or what she said, all I know is about 15 minutes later some dude pulls up and starts looking through the window, at this point me and the girl are fucking faded and I covered her with the blanket and tried to ask for the bottle in exchange for money, this guy was not interested in selling me a bottle he immediately asked what im doing with his girlfriend, I get protective and say hes gonna have to fight me cause im fucking his bitch, immediately feel dumb about this and ask her whats up while the fuming guy goes somewhere I couldnt see at the time, his car.
I brought 40 bucks a vape and my longboard which was right next to the window he was yelling from, the girls mom hears all this commotion and kicks me out, so now my money is inside her house and my vape, all i was able to get was my longboard and I had to go back home, the guy is still waiting outside her house, wanting to fight, we both fought for a bit but then the girls mom came out and said she would call the cops, so we both left and never saw eachother again.
next day she hits me up telling me not to tell anyone what happened, etc. so I comply, although I already told one homie who didn't even know her, so a bit too late but its whatever she never found out anyways. but she kept in contact and was acting friendly, I thought we were still good, smoked a few times drank etc. couple weeks later she asks to hangout again, I said im down and then after school when I asked her if she wants me to come over i got sent a text back "don't come over she not ready"
immediately im like ok wtf, why is someone else responding for her, when she eventually give me the okay to come over I go into her garage and there she is with my best friend at this point under a blanket on the couch, I can immediately sense the tension and smoked and just left, they started dating after this and I just couldnt bring myself to hang around either of them, as much as i still liked my other friends, they seemed to like him more, and i respected that never trying to pursuade anyone one way or the other.
but i obviously felt betrayed by him and her and never felt comfortable hanging with them again, they broke up eventually which to be honest i was glad, but the damage had already been done, we still dont speak, atleast not to me, and thats how all my friends stopped hanging out with me in the span of a week.
after this I stopped going to school so much the prinicpal said if I left again I would be kicked out, I didnt think he was serious, and skipped again, and sure enough i get sent to the office again and told to leave the premises.
after all this time, its been 2-3 years and I am 20 almost 21, no job and kinda struggling, my mom is always mad i don't have a job, but I also have to bring my younger sibling to the state our dad lives, to meet the custodial requirements for my younger sibling until they turn 18, my mom always nags on me to get a job like I can apply and tell them that I need to take a random month during the year every year, WHEN I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TIME OF YEAR BECAUSE THEY SUCK AT PLANNING THIS SHIT.
recently ive gotten tired of being nagged and shit and felt much more depressed than i have ever been before. but I say all this to also provide some hope for those in similar situations or just looking for hope in any situation.
my hope is information. I would like to gather all the info I can while we are here on how to succeed in this shitty life, and how find resolve knowing I will never have all the awnsers to this life I live and why.
my goal as a kid literally stamped into my 5th grade yearbook was to become a famous rapper, which i actually spent very little time dedicated to learning but instead chose the route of trying YouTube, and rapping at the same time, which I found much more fun and I actually like gaming videos more than rapping although I still have passion for both. I do not have a big channel, and wont give details into my life personally, or my internet life outside this forum, but I will say only in two years of actually uploading I have made almost 30k views and just over 150 subscribers.
I never thought that amount of growth would actually be achievable or attainable for me, and there is still a long way to go if I want to even consider doing it full time, although the progress is slow, it is a fun venture i've taken and has brought me many friends and laughs, which I would definitely have regretted had I followed through with any harmful plans. As much as I was sad as a younger me, I have grown even sadder, but I guess that my mindset has sort of become a "fools mindset" where if you are the fool for long enough, you become wise.
although I am probably in the most sad point of my life, I believe I am at a point in my life where there isn't much more that can depress me other than lost loved ones, which I gurantee will push me to become the best version of myself I can be in this life, If I had cut my life short I never would be able to reflect on my life in this way and see that my life can only go uphill from here, it cannot get worse, I want anyone needing this message to also implant this into your mind, it can and will get better, even if some things get worse, overall the puzzle pieces will connect the only thing missing from your puzzle is time.
if anyone actually read all of this thank you, and hope that you have a good day/life.
I guess i'm gonna start by giving a detailed description of my life as much as i can without giving out personal details too much.
I was born in Colorado, moved to Washington at age 3 and stayed in this state ever since, I don't remember much of my earlier life, but from what i've been told and what i can remember we lived with family in colorado and had to move due to financial reasons and to be honest the town was sketchy, lots of gang violence and douchebags.
we moved to washington and my earliest memories are playing with my brother breaking into an apartment complex with a big field to play football while we used to walk our family dog.
I grew up with both parents and had a pretty good elementary school run until about 5th grade. I was in the same school from kindergarten until 4th grade, and then abruptly switched to a school that mainly speaks and writes in spanish.
this was my first encounter with bullying, I was a weird white kid around a bunch of hispanics and minorities, some others were white but most of the other whites at this school had been going there for awhile and 99 percent of them knew spanish as well which i did not.
previous to being admitted into this school I had good friends, good grades, and was in gifted classes.
things started going downhill, my first fight was just stupid kids talking shit to eachother on facebook, me and a kid that I will call "EF", this was my first "fight" where we barely hit eachother and had a teacher break it up, the fight started outside the school while everyone was waiting to be picked up.
the second fight was actually pretty funny kid who had been hitting me in class and one day poured hot glue on my neck and backpack, this kid fought me same day he poured it on me, and tried to swing on me after school again but tripped himself.
this fight only reinforced my desire to get stronger, as I didn't even get to throw and punch and know i would've lost had he not injured himself in his attempt, I tried to be less nerdy as to not get my ass beat, so I started hanging out with the "bad kids" who vaped and smoked weed and ditched school. I was actually pretty calm throughout middle school, in both middle schools I went to I always had friends, and they were all dope people, I started off at one school which I hated the layout of, but loved the staff and other students, they were all nice and cool and some even came from the school I had issues in, most of which had actually come to be my friends.
my only "real" fights from middle school both came from my first school which i actually enjoyed, because although i got into more fights at this school, they were a lot more lenient and understanding and gave out less severe punishments.
my most memorable fight at this school was I had a friend who we can call "cal" this was one of my first actual close friends, who i hung out with almost everyday. he has adhd and could be annoying but had a good heart and sense of humor, although not everyone liked cal, especially one kid we will call "Chihuahua", this little fucker was always on cals ass, telling him to shut up, and trying to start fights, one day i got fed up and told him if he has a problem he can come see me, after class this kid tried to choke me out above some stairs and i threw him down the stairs, we both got suspended for this for about a week.
I did get into another memorable scuffle at this school where a kid we will call "lex" actually stood up for me when another older student tried to attack me in the hallway my friend lex straight up threw his backpack at the guys face at which point they started fighting and i had to help my homie because he was defending me in the first place.
these are the only fights i can even remember from this school though.
my next school for my final year of middle school, 8th grade for me, was a school that had a better layout then the last one, easier to navigate, but i hated the staff and some students, I had friends at this school, as i did every school i went to, but I felt the most hatred at this school even though one of my fondest memories was from this school aswell.
I had gotten into a few fights at this school, one being with a kid who had a name similar to "lex" so lets just call him "lex 2", lex 2 didn't like me because again this was another person who tried to bully my friend cal, ever since we met, I made it clear cal was my homie and if you disrespect him you disrespect me and we gonna have problems, he never mentioned cal again but clearly had resentment towards me. there was a girl who always hung out with lex 2 that i liked and she knew this aswell, one day lex 2 got so mad i was talking to her he tried to set up a fight between me and him in the bathroom, I told him I didn't want to fight, but i wasnt gonna run away like a bitch so we fought, this was the first fight against someone clearly bigger and had the strength advantage but I just wouldn't give up and to be frank, I got lucky beating him up.
this person always felt some type of way, although he did eventually smoke weed with me once and it was a pretty chill interaction but this was way later in highschool.
the first time I actually felt super depressed was when my parents got divorced about a year into highschool, im not gonna talk much about the divorce, as thats they're business, but I will speak about the effects it had on me, my parents talk shit about eachother all the time which they both know is irresponsible and definitely impacted me, but i am closer to my mom 100 percent, I got kicked out of my first highschool for a number of reasons.
I had gotten arrested twice at this school for smoking weed, the second time I actually got called a snitch by the girl who sold me the weed, but come to find out shes labeled as a witness on my papers so I actually have documentation of her being a snitch but i digress, the other time I was smoking weed across from our school while i was skipping unlucky for me the school had an unnanounced fire drill and the whole school came over and we got in trouble.
my first time getting arrested during the fire drill, i recieved something called a deferal, charges get dropped if you go through with they're rehab, which i did.
my second time I got 2 weeks in juvie and originally had 6 months probation but after i violated probation it got extended to a year because my mom called the cops on me for leaving the house without persmission, admittedly to go smoke weed and either way i was gonna violate probation, dont blame my parents here.
after the violation i calmed down and just did my time without issues, I was hanging out with an almost completely new friendgroup in highschool minus a few friends i still visited here and there, but my main group of friends consisted of 5 people. 4 of them i was close friends with, the last person was mostly they're friend not mine. we will call this 5th person "Asshole".
Asshole is a kid who I originally had no issues with, but over time this guy "tried" me a few times for seemingly no reason i can find other than he didn't like me. we would all chill and smoke and the first fight we had was at a friends house he kept being annoying and hitting me while i was passed out, asked him to stop, he kept going so I socked him pretty hard which he responded to by kicking me full force in the face, so unsurprisingly, I started destroying him with punches to the point where I hit his head so hard he fell back into the wall and left a hole from the impact of his dome crashing into the wall.
the second time he tried to fight me was not as bad, but yet again at another friends house when we were both drunk he wanted to fight and tripped and hurt himself lmao, I wouldn't call it much of a fight, but he tried nonetheless.
the LAST fight I had with Asshole was my last fight with him when he was trying to impress a girl he liked by pressing me in class about how he could beat my ass, I wasn't going to get bitched, so I told him he can try. This time im in the middle of health class and this kid sucker punches me, i'm not gonna lie i pulled a bitch move because he rocked me a bit, I pulled his hoodie over his face so he couldnt see and slammed him to the ground then started punching him, our teacher pulled us apart and once we got to the office i was relieved it was over tbh, but little did i know this was the last time I would ever be in this school.
I will admit I had my issues, skipping every so often, drugs, and now fighting at this school and getting caught by staff. however Asshole also had the same issues and was a grade younger than me, the week before he had been suspended for bringing a full bottle of alcohol just for context.
apparently the principal said that other students said I used the n word during this fight, which i dont remember using, and had talking to people in the class and even Asshole to which all of them said was a lie. they just needed a reason to kick me out, especially since i know asshole uses the n word more than me, like I said its possible I did say it, and just dont remember, but I guranteee if im getting kicked out for that word asshole should have aswell, and many more students.
after I got kicked out of this school i really went down the path of drugs and skipping school especially since the new school I went to was an alternative school, and everyone there was almost the same type of person, kicked out for drugs or alcohol or fighting and came here, so I was stuck with the same like minded people.
you might think my main issues with depression stem from anything I have mentioned so far, and subconsiously you may be correct, it might have an even bigger impact than i even realize, but the main thing I actually got depressed about was one of my best friends sleeping with a girl who I clearly liked.
here is my specific situation, there was a girl i liked since middle school, when I switched schools in 8th grade i did not see her for awhile, not even in highschool UNTIL i got kicked out and went to the ALT highschool, for some reason I got the courage to start talking to her in late 10th early 11th grade. We talked alot and she invited me over to her house finally, at this point I was hanging out with her alot, texting her, etc. my friends knew she and i were talking is what im getting at.
I should've caught the red flags but tbh this was my first time actually with a girl for real, so I was just winging it, she invited me over we both got drunk and she initiated the sex talk, i originally said no, but she insisted, eventually i caved in, we had sex, all was well until i wanted another bottle for later, she said she could text someone and I thought she was asking for a bottle. I don't know who the fuck she texted or what she said, all I know is about 15 minutes later some dude pulls up and starts looking through the window, at this point me and the girl are fucking faded and I covered her with the blanket and tried to ask for the bottle in exchange for money, this guy was not interested in selling me a bottle he immediately asked what im doing with his girlfriend, I get protective and say hes gonna have to fight me cause im fucking his bitch, immediately feel dumb about this and ask her whats up while the fuming guy goes somewhere I couldnt see at the time, his car.
I brought 40 bucks a vape and my longboard which was right next to the window he was yelling from, the girls mom hears all this commotion and kicks me out, so now my money is inside her house and my vape, all i was able to get was my longboard and I had to go back home, the guy is still waiting outside her house, wanting to fight, we both fought for a bit but then the girls mom came out and said she would call the cops, so we both left and never saw eachother again.
next day she hits me up telling me not to tell anyone what happened, etc. so I comply, although I already told one homie who didn't even know her, so a bit too late but its whatever she never found out anyways. but she kept in contact and was acting friendly, I thought we were still good, smoked a few times drank etc. couple weeks later she asks to hangout again, I said im down and then after school when I asked her if she wants me to come over i got sent a text back "don't come over she not ready"
immediately im like ok wtf, why is someone else responding for her, when she eventually give me the okay to come over I go into her garage and there she is with my best friend at this point under a blanket on the couch, I can immediately sense the tension and smoked and just left, they started dating after this and I just couldnt bring myself to hang around either of them, as much as i still liked my other friends, they seemed to like him more, and i respected that never trying to pursuade anyone one way or the other.
but i obviously felt betrayed by him and her and never felt comfortable hanging with them again, they broke up eventually which to be honest i was glad, but the damage had already been done, we still dont speak, atleast not to me, and thats how all my friends stopped hanging out with me in the span of a week.
after this I stopped going to school so much the prinicpal said if I left again I would be kicked out, I didnt think he was serious, and skipped again, and sure enough i get sent to the office again and told to leave the premises.
after all this time, its been 2-3 years and I am 20 almost 21, no job and kinda struggling, my mom is always mad i don't have a job, but I also have to bring my younger sibling to the state our dad lives, to meet the custodial requirements for my younger sibling until they turn 18, my mom always nags on me to get a job like I can apply and tell them that I need to take a random month during the year every year, WHEN I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TIME OF YEAR BECAUSE THEY SUCK AT PLANNING THIS SHIT.
recently ive gotten tired of being nagged and shit and felt much more depressed than i have ever been before. but I say all this to also provide some hope for those in similar situations or just looking for hope in any situation.
my hope is information. I would like to gather all the info I can while we are here on how to succeed in this shitty life, and how find resolve knowing I will never have all the awnsers to this life I live and why.
my goal as a kid literally stamped into my 5th grade yearbook was to become a famous rapper, which i actually spent very little time dedicated to learning but instead chose the route of trying YouTube, and rapping at the same time, which I found much more fun and I actually like gaming videos more than rapping although I still have passion for both. I do not have a big channel, and wont give details into my life personally, or my internet life outside this forum, but I will say only in two years of actually uploading I have made almost 30k views and just over 150 subscribers.
I never thought that amount of growth would actually be achievable or attainable for me, and there is still a long way to go if I want to even consider doing it full time, although the progress is slow, it is a fun venture i've taken and has brought me many friends and laughs, which I would definitely have regretted had I followed through with any harmful plans. As much as I was sad as a younger me, I have grown even sadder, but I guess that my mindset has sort of become a "fools mindset" where if you are the fool for long enough, you become wise.
although I am probably in the most sad point of my life, I believe I am at a point in my life where there isn't much more that can depress me other than lost loved ones, which I gurantee will push me to become the best version of myself I can be in this life, If I had cut my life short I never would be able to reflect on my life in this way and see that my life can only go uphill from here, it cannot get worse, I want anyone needing this message to also implant this into your mind, it can and will get better, even if some things get worse, overall the puzzle pieces will connect the only thing missing from your puzzle is time.
if anyone actually read all of this thank you, and hope that you have a good day/life.
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