Venting Dont want to ctb but life is unbearable

[angel31]

My life is perfect. I dont have financial problems, I have so cool friends, my family is ok… But I still cant be happy. It started a few months ago. I just started.. idk like feeling worse every day. I started thinking about ctb, I had(and still have) these like "moods" where for example my heart starts to hurt, like someone built a cage around it, and I just start getting more and more depressed, this goes on for hours, I can do nothing during that time. It happens more and more and right now its the majority of my life. But its worst in the evening. Every aspect of life is just worse. So I dont do anything anymore. I just lie around, eat, work and lie around more. I started doing sh, oh yeah and I cant really concentrate anymore. I am tired all the time. I dont want to ctb, because I am scared and I dont want to hurt my friends. But on saturday I almost hung myself, (partial) everything was ready but I just sat there, my head in the noose crying. I have such problems crying, I believe because my dad always made fun of me when I did. I just think of ctb all the time and its terrible. I went to a doctor like 2 months ago, where it already was really bad. Not a psychiatrist just a normal doctor I dont know what it is called in english, in german its "Hausarzt". Anyway the guy didnt listen to me, just asked me if I smoke weed, I denied and he gave me some homeopathy, which was literally just alcohol. I hate him. I trusted him and he just gave me some placebo.

Sry if this was kind of all over the place, I just wrote what went through my head and didnt explain a lot of stuff.

thank you if you read through all of this <3

 

[Ambivalent1]

Why do you feel the need to be happy? Being content is the real goal. You're content. Enjoy it. I wish I had such a life. Your downward spiral stems from an obsession with needing to be happy, which is a recipe for disaster. Happiness is fleeting. It's not a permanent state

Social media and pop culture has convinced people that they must always be happy or something is wrong. Thats bullshit.

 

[angel31]

Why do you feel the need to be happy? Being content is the real goal. You're content. Enjoy it. I wish I had such a life. Your downward spiral stems from an obsession with needing to be happy, which is a recipe for disaster. Happiness is fleeting. It's not a permanent state

I know that I am really lucky that I get to have this life, that I got to be born in a family and in a country where I dont have to worry about… so much. I am really grateful for that don't misunderstand me.
But I am not content. Its just this… feeling. I dont know how I can explain it, but it has taken over my whole life. And its so shit. And I am scared of it. And I am mad, that I cant do something with all this luck I had. Sorry if it does not really make sense, but… idk i cant explain it. I am just suffering.

 

[Ambivalent1]

I know that I am really lucky that I get to have this life, that I got to be born in a family and in a country where I dont have to worry about… so much. I am really grateful for that don't misunderstand me.
But I am not content. Its just this… feeling. I dont know how I can explain it, but it has taken over my whole life. And its so shit. And I am scared of it. And I am mad, that I cant do something with all this luck I had. Sorry if it does not really make sense, but… idk i cant explain it. I am just suffering.

Sounds like an obsession. Have you tried therapy? Maybe what you're experiencing is the equivalent of a song getting stuck in your head.

There's no expectation to do anything for anyone because you're lucky. You can if you want, but if you don't, it's fine. Or if you mean personal success then realize you don't have to fulfill society's template for success.

 

[Anonymus10469]

Fight and don't give up bro, don't give up for your parents, for your friends and for God. Do the things that make you happy and you will return happy again.

 

[angel31]

Sounds like an obsession. Have you tried therapy? Maybe what you're experiencing is the equivalent of a song getting stuck in your head.

There's no expectation to do anything for anyone because you're lucky. You can if you want, but if you don't, it's fine. Or if you mean personal success then realize you don't have to fulfill society's template for success.

But why would I be obsessed with feeling shit?
And I dont mean the lucky part like i want to fulfill any expectations. It just makes me mad that i suffer and dont have a real reason for it… and I dont really care about succes. I thought a lot about trying therapy, thats why I went to that doctor too, but I am no really scared sharing everything especially because of that doctor guy. But I will probably try it again.
But thank you for reading and trying to help<3

Fight and don't give up bro, don't give up for your parents, for your friends and for God. Do the things that make you happy and you will return happy again.

Thank you, ill try <3

 

[jonward55]

Fight and don't give up bro, don't give up for your parents, for your friends and for God. Do the things that make you happy and you will return happy again.

Stop the pro life and God stuff please.

 

[Anonymus10469]

Ferma la vita pro e le cose di Dio, per favore.

No.

 

[jonward55]

No.

This forum is not for pro life, please leave us alone.

 

[Anonymus10469]

This forum is not for pro life, please leave us alone.

And this forum is for what?

 

[jonward55]

And this forum is for what?

Suicide and not for pro lifers like you. Our decisions are hard enough already without you bullies and pro life.

 

[Anonymus10469]

Suicidio e non per professionisti come te. Le nostre decisioni sono già abbastanza difficili senza di voi prepotenti e pro vita.

This forum is for discuss about the suicide not for push people to the suicide.

 

[jonward55]

This forum is for discuss about the suicide not for push people to the suicide.

Can I ask why you are here ?

 

[The anhedonic one]

And this forum is for what?

It's for people who fucking hate god and want to fucking die. You don't belong here.

My life is perfect. I dont have financial problems, I have so cool friends, my family is ok… But I still cant be happy. It started a few months ago. I just started.. idk like feeling worse every day. I started thinking about ctb, I had(and still have) these like "moods" where for example my heart starts to hurt, like someone built a cage around it, and I just start getting more and more depressed, this goes on for hours, I can do nothing during that time. It happens more and more and right now its the majority of my life. But its worst in the evening. Every aspect of life is just worse. So I dont do anything anymore. I just lie around, eat, work and lie around more. I started doing sh, oh yeah and I cant really concentrate anymore. I am tired all the time. I dont want to ctb, because I am scared and I dont want to hurt my friends. But on saturday I almost hung myself, (partial) everything was ready but I just sat there, my head in the noose crying. I have such problems crying, I believe because my dad always made fun of me when I did. I just think of ctb all the time and its terrible. I went to a doctor like 2 months ago, where it already was really bad. Not a psychiatrist just a normal doctor I dont know what it is called in english, in german its "Hausarzt". Anyway the guy didnt listen to me, just asked me if I smoke weed, I denied and he gave me some homeopathy, which was literally just alcohol. I hate him. I trusted him and he just gave me some placebo.

Sry if this was kind of all over the place, I just wrote what went through my head and didnt explain a lot of stuff.

thank you if you read through all of this <3

So sorry you are going through this.
I no longer bother with Doctors because they don't really care and are in it for the money.
You sound seriously depressed like me. I'm so down absolutely nothing in this world could make me feel better. I have absolutely no interest or feel pleasure in anything anymore.
It's like you have died inside.

 

[astral-mind]

Fight and don't give up bro, don't give up for your parents, for your friends and for God. Do the things that make you happy and you will return happy again.

Sorry, but if god is omnipotent and created everything then God created suffering and is the reason why we all have the ability to feel suicidal in the first place. If god exists, he is evil.

OP, I appreciate your perspective. You can have a great life on paper but the hedonic treadmill keeps us unsatisfied and wanting something else. Life seems monotonous and pointless, even when you have nothing to stress about. It sucks and feels like a burden. You say you don't actually want to CTB and I respect that, but don't stick around for your friends and family, stick around for yourself and your own reasons. I hate how we guilt people into continuing to suffer for others. I hope you find that inner peace to accept life for the imperfect thing it is. Remember, you can always CTB later, but you know you don't want to, so relax and take some relief that the option is available if you do make a rational decision to pursue that in future. Your choice, but I hope your life gets better and you can move on from the pain and sorrow you feel.

 

[Wants-To-End]

My life is perfect. I dont have financial problems, I have so cool friends, my family is ok… But I still cant be happy. It started a few months ago. I just started.. idk like feeling worse every day. I started thinking about ctb, I had(and still have) these like "moods" where for example my heart starts to hurt, like someone built a cage around it, and I just start getting more and more depressed, this goes on for hours, I can do nothing during that time. It happens more and more and right now its the majority of my life. But its worst in the evening. Every aspect of life is just worse. So I dont do anything anymore. I just lie around, eat, work and lie around more. I started doing sh, oh yeah and I cant really concentrate anymore. I am tired all the time. I dont want to ctb, because I am scared and I dont want to hurt my friends. But on saturday I almost hung myself, (partial) everything was ready but I just sat there, my head in the noose crying. I have such problems crying, I believe because my dad always made fun of me when I did. I just think of ctb all the time and its terrible. I went to a doctor like 2 months ago, where it already was really bad. Not a psychiatrist just a normal doctor I dont know what it is called in english, in german its "Hausarzt". Anyway the guy didnt listen to me, just asked me if I smoke weed, I denied and he gave me some homeopathy, which was literally just alcohol. I hate him. I trusted him and he just gave me some placebo.

Sry if this was kind of all over the place, I just wrote what went through my head and didnt explain a lot of stuff.

thank you if you read through all of this <3

I can understand your feeling, I think "you suddenly started to fell Numb and Heavy", am i right?

If Yes, that's really nothing, --- even I also gone through that phase for nearly 1.5 years in my life , There is another friend of me who also gone through this for 3 months nearly

It was really nothing, Try to be keep doing something, try to watch lots of "emotionally political movies or series", once to kindled your emotional senses again, it will just go of it own

It is just caused by emptiness in your mind, but believe me human mind cannot be in one mode for too long, it will get better quickly

Note - I am telling all this by thinking that you problem is the problem I once felt, but If its not that same problem I meant, i am really sorry I don't know what to say, let me hope that you will get better

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so tiring and awful what you have to endure, to me there certainly is no real relief from suffering in this dreadful world, existing here really is so torturous. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[angel31]

I can understand your feeling, I think "you suddenly started to fell Numb and Heavy", am i right?

I felt numb my whole life… its weird I was never good with emotions, I suspect its this way because my dad always made fun of me when I expressed them… but idk maybe your right… its hard explaining what I feel. I just think about ctb all the time I probably spend more time thinking about it then not thinking about it and I am really mad at myself, because there is no real reason for me to feel this shit… I just dont really find any joy in life anymore and I just suffer if that makes sense…

But thank you all, venting here really helps

 

[astral-mind]

Just because you don't think there's a reason doesn't mean a good reason doesn't exist! For example, your dad making fun of you for expressing your natural emotions can leave deep trauma and effects the way you develop and grow. That can cause suffering.

I'm glad venting makes you feel better. I want to CTB (I think about it frequently) too but can't while my parents are still here so reading and posting here helps me cope and express myself too. Hugs. Feeling numb and miserable sucks.

 

[Horrors Lazuli]

It sounds like you might need a psychiatrist and get on medication. You have a lot to keep living for. What I'm trying to say here is that your situation is still fixable and you have a fighting chance. Clinical depression, which is what I think you have, responds very well to treatment. If you combine your medications with some kind of short-term therapy like CBT or systemic therapy you might get better.

 

[AresCohere]

I have similar feelings to you, and tbh, I haven't found any solution to it. I hope you can find out what's best for you, but's it's really unclear, at least for me, what's even going on.

 

[cami]

hey my love. this really does sound like a chemical imbalance in your brain, not something that is in your control. if you have the funds i would encourage you to go to another doctor and explain pretty much what you said in this post. medication might actually help you. whatever you choose, i hope it brings you peace.

 

[angel31]

hey my love. this really does sound like a chemical imbalance in your brain, not something that is in your control. if you have the funds i would encourage you to go to another doctor and explain pretty much what you said in this post. medication might actually help you. whatever you choose, i hope it brings you peace.

Thanks, I thought a lot about that and probably will contact a psychiatrist soon, but something is holding me back idk what… but thanks for the kind words

 

[tarabole]

It sounds like at this point you are suffering deeply but don't actually want to die so much as you want to stop suffering. Getting on the right meds may help you enjoy life again, it may not but it may be worth a try before you CBT. I have an experienced deep depression and recovered from it, now I am at a place where I am chronically ill so there isn't a lot do hope for me, but I am glad that when I was younger I sought out some meds because I did have some beautiful enriching moments that I will take to my grave.

 

[MrDarkness]

I know that I am really lucky that I get to have this life, that I got to be born in a family and in a country where I dont have to worry about… so much. I am really grateful for that don't misunderstand me.
But I am not content. Its just this… feeling. I dont know how I can explain it, but it has taken over my whole life. And its so shit. And I am scared of it. And I am mad, that I cant do something with all this luck I had. Sorry if it does not really make sense, but… idk i cant explain it. I am just suffering.

Do you have any goals in life or just floating without purpose, that tends to be issues for Alot of people, purpose always brings peace, I hope you can find it in life or death

 

[angel31]

Do you have any goals in life or just floating without purpose, that tends to be issues for Alot of people, purpose always brings peace, I hope you can find it in life or death

My main goal is not hurt as many people as I can… thats why this shit is so hard…

 

[absolomonisgone]

I know that I am really lucky that I get to have this life, that I got to be born in a family and in a country where I dont have to worry about… so much. I am really grateful for that don't misunderstand me.
But I am not content. Its just this… feeling. I dont know how I can explain it, but it has taken over my whole life. And its so shit. And I am scared of it. And I am mad, that I cant do something with all this luck I had. Sorry if it does not really make sense, but… idk i cant explain it. I am just suffering.

Just an idea. Why not take a trip to Africa..., You can go to Sudan, experience some war and fear. Then take a road trip to Congo..., Then you may be very sure

 

[Wants-To-End]

I felt numb my whole life… its weird I was never good with emotions, I suspect its this way because my dad always made fun of me when I expressed them… but idk maybe your right… its hard explaining what I feel. I just think about ctb all the time I probably spend more time thinking about it then not thinking about it and I am really mad at myself, because there is no real reason for me to feel this shit… I just dont really find any joy in life anymore and I just suffer if that makes sense…

But thank you all, venting here really helps

I am really sorry that you gone through this, I was experienced it for just 1.5 years in my life, believe me that was really scary - But you gone though it for your whole life, that's something making me speechless and worrisome

If you decided to die and if you are too strong about it, There is no problem in that, But if you feel, that u have bit of hope in living your life but you are in a confusion, just PM me if you want, you can talk your feelings, I am no expert but can give a clarity as much as possible, if i could

Don't worry, be positive you have ANGEL in your name itself, Ha Ha

 

[angel31]

Don't worry, be positive you have ANGEL in your name itself, Ha Ha

Ill try :)
But thank you for the kind words, they really help