Dont really have a reason

[ifonly]

I don't really have a reason to want to ctb.

I was here last year - now I'm back.

My life is pretty good compared to some peoples unfortunate circumstances.

I have a good job as an aircraft engineer. I drive a nice car which alot people would be happy to have.
I have a wonderful daughter and a wonderful partner who also has a good job.
We are just about to buy a new a house.

But yet every single day I want to ctb. Last year I tried and ended up in hospital. Involved with mental health team etc. Got myself off meds and no involvement with services now.

But it's always there. Currently sitting on my lunch break in my car listening to music feeling this way. And yet in 10 mins I have to go and stamp an aircraft off to make it serviceable for flight tonight - its fucked up!

Sorry I just need to rant

 

[FuneralCry]

The way I see it, isn't simply being alive enough of a reason to want to ctb. Existing is tiring. I'm sorry you are suffering, I understand that our own thoughts can torture us. I wish you well.

 

[Peel_the_Banana]

I don't really have a reason to want to ctb.

I was here last year - now I'm back.

My life is pretty good compared to some peoples unfortunate circumstances.

I have a good job as an aircraft engineer. I drive a nice car which alot people would be happy to have.
I have a wonderful daughter and a wonderful partner who also has a good job.
We are just about to buy a new a house.

But yet every single day I want to ctb. Last year I tried and ended up in hospital. Involved with mental health team etc. Got myself off meds and no involvement with services now.

But it's always there. Currently sitting on my lunch break in my car listening to music feeling this way. And yet in 10 mins I have to go and stamp an aircraft off to make it serviceable for flight tonight - its fucked up!

Sorry I just need to rant

I think the main problem is that society tells you that you are supposed to be happy if you achieve all these things. Consumption, consumption, consumption is the name of the game with the secret aim of compelling capitalism. Next thing you know goal #1 is complete. You're not content; so on to goal #2 not realizing that you will soon need goal #3, 4, 5...

So one gets all these things isn't happy; then a neighbor down the block doesn't have any of these things, is near jealous and also unhappy. Neither is happy. No one wins!

Some have emptiness inside due to childhood trauma. Others have it because they believed the great big lie that achievement will make one happy.

I think unhappiness has been intensified by the increased availability of electronics and all of the social media that points us in varying directions to achieve happiness. I personally think happiness mostly comes from productive human interaction and that's why most people are failing in society. Even those who never utter the words of suicide are not truly happy. They dare not say it however, b/c they think it makes one ungrateful to admit it.

Sadly humans have lost their humanity because one-upping whether on purpose or by design has become a necessity of society. People no longer find value in just people alone.

It seems that the countries that are most happy are ones that prioritize family and holiday time. Places where people can stay connected to what's really important.


EDIT:
Join the club: having a specific reason doesn't manner. Don't deny yourself whatever you are feeling. Its normal and I hope you work through it. Mental Health professionals will claim its abnormal. But who really determines what's good and bad? Surely not a profession where nearly all its practioners have also felt the same.

 

[Walkingcorpse123]

It sucked to realize that there is absolutely nothing in this world that could make it worth to stay alive.

 

[trewer]

Don't you feel sorry for your daughter that you brought her into this life that you suffer so much in?

 

[ifonly]

Don't you feel sorry for your daughter that you brought her into this life that you suffer so much in?

Yeah, but I never had those thoughts back then when I brought her into the world. I don't know what's caused this in me. Regardless of my suffering I make sure she has the best life and is happy in life doing her hobbies etc such as dancing and horse riding which she loves. She never ever sees me down or upset. I wouldn't allow, she is far too young. But I totally understand where you are comming from with your question and respect it.

 

[Chiisai]

Yeah, but I never had those thoughts back then when I brought her into the world. I don't know what's caused this in me. Regardless of my suffering I make sure she has the best life and is happy in life doing her hobbies etc such as dancing and horse riding which she loves. She never ever sees me down or upset. I wouldn't allow, she is far too young. But I totally understand where you are comming from with your question and respect it.

It must be that you are tired and already dulled of doing the routine everyday. Have you tried doing other things? A change of pace perhaps to break monotony might help.

 

[Iwantedtodieforlong]

The way I see it, isn't simply being alive enough of a reason to want to ctb. Existing is tiring. I'm sorry you are suffering, I understand that our own thoughts can torture us. I wish you well.

I agree, i hate when i have to explain to people that life is tiring and they hit me with the "that's life" lie??? exactly so let me die if "thats life"

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

Yeah, but I never had those thoughts back then when I brought her into the world. I don't know what's caused this in me.

Hmm that's interesting.. For depression and suicidality to come out of nowhere at an age (I assume) fairly into adulthood. Maybe I'm being silly but could a brain scan help? Anyway, best of luck.

 

[wait-for-the-bus]

I don't really have a reason to want to ctb.

I was here last year - now I'm back.

My life is pretty good compared to some peoples unfortunate circumstances.

I have a good job as an aircraft engineer. I drive a nice car which alot people would be happy to have.
I have a wonderful daughter and a wonderful partner who also has a good job.
We are just about to buy a new a house.

But yet every single day I want to ctb. Last year I tried and ended up in hospital. Involved with mental health team etc. Got myself off meds and no involvement with services now.

But it's always there. Currently sitting on my lunch break in my car listening to music feeling this way. And yet in 10 mins I have to go and stamp an aircraft off to make it serviceable for flight tonight - its fucked up!

Sorry I just need to rant

I totally relate to you. CTB is always part of my thoughts. Not sure why but it's there waiting for me to make it real.

 

[aprilshowers]

I too don't have a "good" reason. Something about being human gives me an irresistible compulsion to die. It's not that I don't enjoy life. Often I am having a good time with friends, genuinely happy, but if someone handed me a shotgun in that same moment, I would end myself.