jaxxon_sunn
Un jour je serai de retour près de toi
- May 10, 2023
- 98
I only have a few more chances. I'm trying to get into college to get away from my family. My parents are part of the cause of my traumas. I remember everything since I was 10. Well, bits and pieces since my memory is shot. But the parts I want to forget the most are the most prevalent in my mind. I get panic attacks if I think about it or I get reminded of it. Loud, repetitive noises. Now, my parents would never understand this. If I brought it up they say I'm overreacting and they don't remember that. I can't bring up my past to doctors or therapists. I think I can't trust any elder or authority figures in my life.
I've had a few therapists. Counselors from high school, medical referrals from my doctor. Every time I try to speak about myself my throat closes up. I go mute and catatonic where I'm not able to speak without crying and my throat hurting. This happened every time I was at the therapist and every time she would get angry at me for not speaking. She would say we can't move on and go get my mom who triggers me even more. "Just speak and answer her questions" My mom would say in her irritating voice that makes me angrier and more tears well up in my eyes.
I would spend most of the time coloring in a coloring book my therapist had. She would ask me questions and I would scribble on the page instead of looking at her or speaking to her. Of course, I can hear and obviously understand everything people are saying to me. I'm just not able to speak or look back. I was able to get a few head nods or shakes to answer some things. Most of the time the session would be forced to end early because of my crying.
That was my first therapist when I was maybe 16-18 I'm not sure. Im able to go about daily life, I think I just get triggered when I'm forced into a situation with an authority, where I'm asked personal questions about myself. So I avoided these situations until recently, when I thought I could try a therapist again. I thought I grew, but Its just the same thing over. I was more honest with the recent one though; I lied about being suicidal with the first one and more concerning things. With the last one, I told her I was suicidal and I SH. Mostly with silent nods or quick yeses. Nothing really came about with this.
I still don't know whats wrong with me. I've been like this since I can remember, maybe about age 5. Being horribly anxious in social situations, not fitting in, not having friends, not understanding my peers or social cues. I think all this leads to my depression perhaps, not sure though. I've always been pretty depressed, but it plummeted in middle school and high school. And even now its the worst its ever been.
This is just a few issues, I could probably write a book about my life and my lack of understanding about the world and myself.
All I've been diagnosed with is anxiety and depression and all doctors and therapists try to do is give me medication for that. Not trying to dig deeper to get to the cause. Maybe that could fix me, but I don't know if I can be fixed. It may be my fault for not being able to adjust into society. For being stupid and not trying hard enough. Sorry this is so long, Idk what I'd gain from writing this. But these are things I can't tell anyone in person. I just wish I could communicate in other ways, like writing or sign language, but I'm forced to speak because its too hard for them otherwise.
I've had a few therapists. Counselors from high school, medical referrals from my doctor. Every time I try to speak about myself my throat closes up. I go mute and catatonic where I'm not able to speak without crying and my throat hurting. This happened every time I was at the therapist and every time she would get angry at me for not speaking. She would say we can't move on and go get my mom who triggers me even more. "Just speak and answer her questions" My mom would say in her irritating voice that makes me angrier and more tears well up in my eyes.
I would spend most of the time coloring in a coloring book my therapist had. She would ask me questions and I would scribble on the page instead of looking at her or speaking to her. Of course, I can hear and obviously understand everything people are saying to me. I'm just not able to speak or look back. I was able to get a few head nods or shakes to answer some things. Most of the time the session would be forced to end early because of my crying.
That was my first therapist when I was maybe 16-18 I'm not sure. Im able to go about daily life, I think I just get triggered when I'm forced into a situation with an authority, where I'm asked personal questions about myself. So I avoided these situations until recently, when I thought I could try a therapist again. I thought I grew, but Its just the same thing over. I was more honest with the recent one though; I lied about being suicidal with the first one and more concerning things. With the last one, I told her I was suicidal and I SH. Mostly with silent nods or quick yeses. Nothing really came about with this.
I still don't know whats wrong with me. I've been like this since I can remember, maybe about age 5. Being horribly anxious in social situations, not fitting in, not having friends, not understanding my peers or social cues. I think all this leads to my depression perhaps, not sure though. I've always been pretty depressed, but it plummeted in middle school and high school. And even now its the worst its ever been.
This is just a few issues, I could probably write a book about my life and my lack of understanding about the world and myself.
All I've been diagnosed with is anxiety and depression and all doctors and therapists try to do is give me medication for that. Not trying to dig deeper to get to the cause. Maybe that could fix me, but I don't know if I can be fixed. It may be my fault for not being able to adjust into society. For being stupid and not trying hard enough. Sorry this is so long, Idk what I'd gain from writing this. But these are things I can't tell anyone in person. I just wish I could communicate in other ways, like writing or sign language, but I'm forced to speak because its too hard for them otherwise.
