don't know what to do :(

[DyingToDie123]

Today has been a horrible day and the more I reach out the lonelier I feel. I went to two support groups and texted 988, and even though they were all compassionate I left feeling more lonely than before. The job I wanted probably isn't going to work out because of my legal history, I don't have it in me to keep interviewing for more, but I can't afford anymore treatment because I don't have a job. I don't know what else to do but to ctb. It's game over for me. I lost at life. Nothing's left.

Tonight is my best chance to jump off the bridge for a while because it's busy on weekend nights and my dad comes in town Sunday for the week (and it's good if I ctb before he comes so he can find my dog before my dog starves to death). I don't feel like I have it in me to do it tonight though, the train is shut down for the night and parking is a mess in that area and god forbid I try to uber. No worries I thought, maybe I can just use another method like overdose this weekend when I feel more ready and emotionally prepared. Nope. I gave my friend access to my apartment to grab some of my stuff while I was in the hospital and since the doctor told her to take my lithium I told her where one of my two pill bottles was. I was hoping to hang on to the second one but went to grab it today, turns out it's not there anymore. It feels like someone stole my security blanket and I hate it.

I've been on the floor in tears just recounting all the reasons I'm a hopeless piece of shit. I can't do this anymore. But I'm trapped.

 

[OICU812]

I wish I could pass along some words of comfort. Many of us on here have been in your situation to some degree. Maybe there's some treatment options that accept sliding scale payment, so you don't have to pay full price.

 

[LunarLight]

It's disgusting that you have to pay for your treatment. Where I'm from healthcare is (mostly) free.
Idk if you intended to overdose on lithium but it wouldn't have worked anyway. Worst case scenario you would have ended up in a psych ward.

 

[YosemiteGrrl]

Today has been a horrible day and the more I reach out the lonelier I feel. I went to two support groups and texted 988, and even though they were all compassionate I left feeling more lonely than before. The job I wanted probably isn't going to work out because of my legal history, I don't have it in me to keep interviewing for more, but I can't afford anymore treatment because I don't have a job. I don't know what else to do but to ctb. It's game over for me. I lost at life. Nothing's left.

Tonight is my best chance to jump off the bridge for a while because it's busy on weekend nights and my dad comes in town Sunday for the week (and it's good if I ctb before he comes so he can find my dog before my dog starves to death). I don't feel like I have it in me to do it tonight though, the train is shut down for the night and parking is a mess in that area and god forbid I try to uber. No worries I thought, maybe I can just use another method like overdose this weekend when I feel more ready and emotionally prepared. Nope. I gave my friend access to my apartment to grab some of my stuff while I was in the hospital and since the doctor told her to take my lithium I told her where one of my two pill bottles was. I was hoping to hang on to the second one but went to grab it today, turns out it's not there anymore. It feels like someone stole my security blanket and I hate it.

I've been on the floor in tears just recounting all the reasons I'm a hopeless piece of shit. I can't do this anymore. But I'm trapped.

I feel you.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you feel so trapped.

 

[J&L383]

Me too, I often feel trapped by life. I wish there were answers.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful and tiring feeling trapped in that situation, it's certainly such a cruel existence where people suffer so much. But anyway best wishes.

 

[DyingToDie123]

Thanks for the support everyone. :)

I got in my car last night to go to the bridge but then I hesitated because I didn't feel prepared and I didn't want to go to the bridge just to disappoint myself again. So I just sat there, and then it started to rain. I checked the weather and apparently it was supposed to heavy rain until about 3:30am or so, so I went back to my apartment to wait it out until then. Not surprisingly I fell asleep before then and woke up really upset with myself. I have a full day today including an interview I'm dreading and I just don't feel like I can do it.

 

[Roadrunner]

I saw a meme once that said, every day I wake up wishing I hadn't. That is so me. Don't you just wish, we could wish ourselves to die in our sleep?
I'm so looking forward to the day, I've been a member long enough to be trusted here for someone to DM a link to get SN. I'm in Canada. I've researched the guy in Ukraine, I can't find a site. Someday.
To the OP, good luck with your battle. I know how you feel. There's a fairly high bridge close to where I live. Not many days go by that I don't consider it.
I sure envy the " Skyking" , for anyone who hasn't heard of him, Google bebo Russel. Air Alaska. Nobody else was hurt taking his own life.