I can relate sort of. I have no significant meaning to anyone (other than my family wanting to keep me around but that to me has no basis). There is nothing immediate going on, but the void of meaning to my life is one of the reasons to stop living. There is nothing I want to say, there is nothing I think could help anyone if I say it. In fact I think the people I care about most are best of not knowing how I am doing or that I killed myself. So no messages to anyone, leaving no note behind. I'm glad to be out of their lifes because I know term that is best for everyone, bit that isn't at all why I kill myself, I stop living because I want to stop witnissing my own failure to become who I want to be every day.
Putting that on a note won't be any comfort to anyone who gets to read it either, it would just give them more to reflect on, and them reflecting on choices I have made is pointless anyway.
Would it be any comfort to anyone if I tell them that for a while, when I was with my ex, I felt like a normal healthy outlooking version of myself? Would it be any comfort to them to know that for a while I felt like the version of myself I wanted to be? No. That relationship didn't last, it would just put questions on the mind of my ex while my choices are in no way a result of hers.
I've chosen to do the opposite of leaving a note: I've openly vented my depressed and to some people also my suicidal feelings until they realized I am no good to them in their lifes and we broke contact. This helps me reflect on myself because I am alone with my own thoughts, and it prevents them from being emotionally attached when I kill myself.
The only thing that might bother me in this moment is that maybe someone will log in on my devices look at my online hostory and try to form an image of my mind. They can't form an image of my mind. It would only lead to many more questions in their minds. I'm not sure if I care to go through any effort to prevent them from investigating my devices. It's up to others to let go, even if they don't want to. There is nothing but their own interpretations to cling on to, and that's not helpful.
I dream of reaching out to my ex before I kill myself. Of her talking me out of it and confessing she wants us back together. (In fact she once called me to say her goodbyes when she had suicide plans and I made very clear that I didn't want that to happen.)
But a happy ever after is obviously a fantasy. All it would accomplish is panic and I would plant a seed in her mind that she migh have been responsible or that it might be ok for her to follow example.
I want them to let go of me, just like I let go of myself. By not reaching out to anyone no one can question whether it was a cry for attention (it wasn't). No one will try to blame a specific moment or event for being a root cause (there wasn't such moment). It's just systemically me failing to become myself. Me struggling with the way brain works.
This comment kind of turned into me self reflecting. Maybe it's of help to someone.
