don't feel human anymore

[aishanna]

hello, my name is aisha and i have been contemplating suicide for a long time. my life overall has been so erratic and have never really had any normal periods of my life. feel like ive never been like a normal child,nor teenager at this point. ive never had many friends either and have always been quite shy. things spiraled downhill once i got into secondary school, i was laughed at for even trying to speak with people and make friends, they would always have some crude intentions behind my back. by the end of the year, most of my class was making fun of me. mind due i did nothing out of the ordinary. i went to my class i did my work and left.yet there was always something they would find in me to prey on, at that point it was the most subtle things such as answering questions in class etc. even the subtle things done to me were so dehumanizing. nobody ever did any basic kind things such as holding a door, or even say hello. this treatment has changed something in me forever that i feel is interchangeable. my worth as a human being depleted and i don't even feel human anymore. i ended up changing schools because of how awful i felt. i figured a fresh start would be nice for me, until i actually felt really good and made a couple of friends until exactly 2 months later. their behavior changed towards me. and all of a sudden they became so horrible towards me, and ended up humiliating me. while school triggered this most. i noticed even when i was around 8-9 my friends were similar towards me. something feels so painful and wrong that this may be how i live forever and would rather end it now than to put myself through any more shit in the future. my mother has never been there for me when upset or struggling and is always distant towards me most of the time and my father is currently in his native country due to visa issues. it hurts so much and suicide seems like the best option for me, im sick of feeling sub-human. however i was wondering what methods of suicide you would recommend that are the quickest? pain doesn't bother me too much as long as it is quick and certain. i have seen people in the past who were saved and end up in wheelchairs or internal issues. this is far from ideal and something with a low survival rate would help alot. thank you :)

 

[Hollowillow]

I was bullied too. It's the bullies that aren't human, and sadly your situation us so common ut's the norm... I wish I could say that it gets better as they mature into adults. But the worst bullying I gad was from doctors & social workers. Psychiatrists turned bullying into a pseudo science.

could you flee the country & live with your dad? Maybe it'd be less bad if they are racists. But they probably prey on shy people. I don't know about boundaries & assertiveness much but you can google it?

no methods are safe. I tried partial hanging. I might try the rope higher... Looking into SN...

let me know too?

if you live with people it's harder. SN takes longer to kill so maybe not the best unless you hide somewhere or if the parents are out for at least 8h?

i suck at dying...
I love your van goh sunflowers avatar. I'm obsessed with sunflowers. I had to pick a more discreet theme to be anonymous...? Willow trees are called something meaning crying willows in french...

Best wishes to be free

 

[Cerulea]

It's interesting how people treat us poorly and we internalize the negative feelings to direct them towards ourselves. Those people who have been unkind to you and shown you cruelty are at odds with this world, too. Clearly something has terribly wrong for them that they treat people this way. It shows a lot of strength in you to talk about what you're experiencing, be open about the feelings this brings up for you, and contemplate how you want to handle these negative interactions. You're doing real critical thinking in the midst of that emotional storm - try to give yourself credit for that. It matters.

You are not a reflection of how people treat you. I say that as someone who struggles with it as well. The way people treat you and talk to you is a reflection of themselves. You have time yet to figure out how you want to handle your life. You have time to figure out how you want to address this situation.

I hope you find some clarity and comfort as you talk/work through this difficult chapter.

 

[brokensea]

I was bullied in school as well by everyone because I was poor and dressed horribly. Name calling, saying I was deformed, one eye was bigger than the other etc. They pretended some guy liked me and wanted to meet me so I’d leave the school and get in trouble. Made fun of me during class every day. How I had holes in my shoes. Now I don’t look deformed or anything weird I know that at least but no one would be my friend except one girl who had to pretend not to be my friend at school so she didn’t get made fun of either. It’s so easy when you have groups of people attacking you not to take it internally. To feel you are these horrible things they say. Trying to find any grounding in that can feel impossible but it is not you at all. Those people are wrong, bullies, awful people and it has nothing to do with you at all. Sometimes nice and shy people are targets. Try to know it says more about them than anything about you. You are not the problem. You didn’t cause this. You don’t deserve this. You deserve so much. I don’t know if you can report what you’re going through or talk to a counselor at the school or move schools but you shouldn’t have to endure this. I am so sorry.

 

[Dead Ghost]

I have the feeling that you could get away with it quite well, but that's just an opinion. It's been a while since I've been bending so easily and I can't stand to be stepped on, unfortunately I have fits of anger under certain pressure and that's no solution either.

I think you should find a way to strengthen your self-esteem and gain confidence, somehow this ends up being projected around you and you begin to receive respect (not fear) towards your person.
I think that practicing with discipline and tranquility some martial art together with well done meditation would help you a lot.

But I can't help you more about CTB, sorry.

//

Tinc la sensació que te'n podries sortir força bé encara, però només és un parer. Ja fa temps que jo no em doblego tan fàcilment i no suporto que em treptgin, malauradament tinc atacs d'ira sota certa pressió i això tampoc es cap sol·lució.

Crec que hauries de trobar una manera d'enfortir la teva autoestima i guanyar en seguretat, d'alguna manera això s'acaba projectant al teu voltant i comences a rebre respecte (que no por) cap a la teva persona.
Crec que pràcticant amb disciplina i tranquilitat algún art marcial junt amb meditació ben feta t'ajudaría molt.

Però no et puc ajudar mes en quant al CTB, ho sento.

 

[Rational man]

Humanity has a problem with diversity. There seems to be an inbuilt human mechanism which targets people who are perceived to be somehow different to the notion of NORMAL. it's about fear, bigotry and above all else hypocrisy amongst the self- ritchous. I'm not sure what.NORMAL is!.

 

[whitefeather]

 

[theboy]

I am sorry you are going through this suffering. Where are you from? You have an exotic name, Aisha.
First you have to find out what methods for ctb you have access to.

 

[aishanna]

I am sorry you are going through this suffering. Where are you from? You have an exotic name, Aisha.
First you have to find out what methods for ctb you have access to.

i am from northern africa :) but i moved to Europe at a relatively young age.

 

[makethepainstop]

Humanity has a problem with diversity. There seems to be an inbuilt human mechanism which targets people who are perceived to be somehow different to the notion of NORMAL. it's about fear, bigotry and above all else hypocrisy amongst the self- ritchous. I'm not sure what.NORMAL is!.

Normal is what everyone else is, and what I am not. At least as they see it. SWINE!

 

[CTB Dream]

Sorry experience this people not understand suffering deal cruel think bully normal joke fun think life ok many people suffer abuse bully bad treatment people think all normal need strong wrong this already cause ctb cause mental problems ctb

 

[aishanna]

Sorry experience this people not understand suffering deal cruel think bully normal joke fun think life ok many people suffer abuse bully bad treatment people think all normal need strong wrong this already cause ctb cause mental problems ctb

i stand by this! and sometimes the damage becomes irrepairable. people assume you can just get counseling and sources to help, but it gets expensive very quickly. in my case it was never something i could afford and believe it as a tool for those of a higher class.

 

[theboy]

i am from northern africa :) but i moved to Europe at a relatively young age.

wow
what is africa like?

you must have seen lions, elephants, zebras, etc.

 

[FuneralCry]

Some people really are so cruel and it’s awful the way that many people treat others. Often, when I hear about the way that people behave it just makes me want to leave this world even more. There is already enough suffering in this world without people making things worse. I’m sorry that you have been through all this. I wish you peace and relief.

 

[aishanna]

wow
what is africa like?

you must have seen lions, elephants, zebras, etc.

no not really. that is more in the sub-saharan part of africa. we predominately have camels and lizards most of the time haha :)

 

[theboy]

no not really. that is more in the sub-saharan part of africa. we predominately have camels and lizards most of the time haha :)

beautiful!
I like animals. If you want to send me a pm, I am available. I hope you are better.... traveling by camel :P

 

[Dead Ghost]

Some people really are so cruel and it’s awful the way that many people treat others. Often, when I hear about the way that people behave it just makes me want to leave this world even more. There is already enough suffering in this world without people making things worse. I’m sorry that you have been through all this. I wish you peace and relief.

Every time I read you I want to help you to live better, but I don't know how to do it. Is there nothing I can do to help you be a little happier other than CTB?, I say this because unfortunately for many of us CTB becomes impossible and in the long run, as the years go by, you need to make the usual days more bearable in order to continue, as it becomes clear that life is too long when you suffer. What less than finding a way to lighten the suffering.

//

Cada cop que et llegeixo tinc ganes d'ajudar-te perquè visquis millor, però no se pas com fer-ho. No hi ha realment res que pugui fer per ajudar-te a ser una mica més feliç que no sigui el CTB?, ho dic perquè malauradament a molts de nosaltres el CTB se'ns fa un impossible i a la llarga, amb el pas dels anys, necessites si o si que els dies habituals siguin mes suportables per poder seguir, ja que es fa palés de mala manera que la vida es massa llarga quan es pateix. Que menys que trobar una manera d'alleugerir el patiment.

 

[aishanna]

beautiful!
I like animals. If you want to send me a pm, I am available. I hope you are better.... traveling by camel :P

haha i do not know how :) i am new on here...

 

[theboy]

haha i do not know how :) i am new on here...

I'll send u now

 

[FuneralCry]

Every time I read you I want to help you to live better, but I don't know how to do it. Is there nothing I can do to help you be a little happier other than CTB?, I say this because unfortunately for many of us CTB becomes impossible and in the long run, as the years go by, you need to make the usual days more bearable in order to continue, as it becomes clear that life is too long when you suffer. What less than finding a way to lighten the suffering

There is nothing that anyone can do. Only death will bring me the relief that I want and nothing could ever take away my strong dislike towards existence. I’ve never wanted to live, so being suicidal is all that I know. It’s the way that I am. I just continue to endure existence until the day in which I will finally be gone.
But thank you for your kindness. I hope that you and all the others who posted on this thread find some relief.

 

[Anonperson1]

hello, my name is aisha and i have been contemplating suicide for a long time. my life overall has been so erratic and have never really had any normal periods of my life. feel like ive never been like a normal child,nor teenager at this point. ive never had many friends either and have always been quite shy. things spiraled downhill once i got into secondary school, i was laughed at for even trying to speak with people and make friends, they would always have some crude intentions behind my back. by the end of the year, most of my class was making fun of me. mind due i did nothing out of the ordinary. i went to my class i did my work and left.yet there was always something they would find in me to prey on, at that point it was the most subtle things such as answering questions in class etc. even the subtle things done to me were so dehumanizing. nobody ever did any basic kind things such as holding a door, or even say hello. this treatment has changed something in me forever that i feel is interchangeable. my worth as a human being depleted and i don't even feel human anymore. i ended up changing schools because of how awful i felt. i figured a fresh start would be nice for me, until i actually felt really good and made a couple of friends until exactly 2 months later. their behavior changed towards me. and all of a sudden they became so horrible towards me, and ended up humiliating me. while school triggered this most. i noticed even when i was around 8-9 my friends were similar towards me. something feels so painful and wrong that this may be how i live forever and would rather end it now than to put myself through any more shit in the future. my mother has never been there for me when upset or struggling and is always distant towards me most of the time and my father is currently in his native country due to visa issues. it hurts so much and suicide seems like the best option for me, im sick of feeling sub-human. however i was wondering what methods of suicide you would recommend that are the quickest? pain doesn't bother me too much as long as it is quick and certain. i have seen people in the past who were saved and end up in wheelchairs or internal issues. this is far from ideal and something with a low survival rate would help alot. thank you :)

Hey there,
I used to teach in the UAE and Qatar, and saw first-hand how brutal children could really be to eachother. The girls were actually worse than the boys...they were just sadistic!
Where is your dad from? you said there was visa issues. Have you spoken to him about your feelings?