Discussion Does your mind swing between wanting to live and wanting to CTB?

[cupcakesandmilk]

Do you have those little moments where you feel as if life isn't so bad after all, no matter if it's something as small as eating your favourite snack, before you snap out of that little bubble and look around you only to realise that you can't just live off of doing what you were at that moment?

I'm sure this applies on an even larger scale to a lot of people out there, as in swinging between wanting to live and wanting to CTB.

Not much else to say apart from this; have a great day or night ahead.

 

[Ash]

Yeah. It's like there's two extremes. One of wanting to properly live. The other wanting to die. But mostly just inertia.

 

[listenbeforeigo]

Constantly and I hate it.

 

[uBSUbc9904]

Hello,

YES it does, I am battling my SI to do CTB soon. I have more reasons to die and be out of existence than live. I have no talent and worth, therefore, what can I offer to this world? If nothing, then it is useless to live and be better out.


I hope this helps,

thank you

 

[Alltheywanted]

Yeah this made me live whole year longer than I should have.

 

[uBSUbc9904]

Do you have those little moments where you feel as if life isn't so bad after all, no matter if it's something as small as eating your favourite snack, before you snap out of that little bubble and look around you only to realise that you can't just live off of doing what you were at that moment?

I'm sure this applies on an even larger scale to a lot of people out there, as in swinging between wanting to live and wanting to CTB.

Not much else to say apart from this; have a great day or night ahead.

Hello,

Yes and that is the SI. I have much more bold reasons to not exist than to live. I have zero worth, so why struggle to live? They say you are wasting your potential, I say that I don't have any potential in the first place.


Hope this is a good reply

 

[Hotsackage]

I'd like to pursue science or music. I mean I learn by myself, but I can't really interact with people, due to my mental illness. I wouldn't say I'd rather be gone, but living with a broken brain isn't exactly fun.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Yeah I have moments where I'm drinking a cup of coffee and walking outside on a nice day and a part of my brain goes, "See, this isn't so bad, is it?" But it never has any lasting effect on my suicidality because I know how ephemeral it is. You finish the coffee, it starts to rain, and you realize that you couldn't live by those moments forever.

 

[evannave]

I think it's the mind trying everything it can to preserve itself. It wants you to believe that everything is ok when it knows that it won't be able to sustain the pressure its under much longer.

 

[unnecessary]

I feel that way too, before I was thinking a lot about CTB but I found people to talk to and this suffering became more bearable, when I think about playing, furnishing my house and exploring cities I feel like it's worth living a little longer.I think maybe I'm creating false hope that someday things will get better.

 

[Lost Magic]

I hate to admit it, but yes. I am very conflicted with my emotions and feelings. I am all over the place. Some days I want to live and others I want to die. Those feelings never go away. One, day I will muster up thee strength to 'leave this mortal coil' and it will be the most liberating day of my life. It's just a waiting game for me at the moment.

 

[netslayer]

100%

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Constantly. Especially since right now I have a crush on someone who I've unwittingly made my only reason to live. I know it's not fair to her that's why I can't ask her out and have her know this burden and yet my heart still believes it will overwrite my plans to die if I just gave love a chance.

Basically I seem to always flip back and forth between:

 

[UKscotty]

Constantly yes. I firmly believe that once someone has lost all hope, they will find a way to CTB.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

Yeah; it's been that way for a while and means that my efforts to live are diluted by efforts to die. Efforts to die win out in the long-run because y'know, it's easy to be abiotic. Few conditions need to be met for death, and a hell of a lot of conditions need to be met for life, and yeah. I haven't put a concerted effort into either but death wins in those conditions.

 

[Eudaimonic]

Yes, though not because i think life is not that bad but because i am afraid that death may not be the end
That said, I have more or less decided that i will attempt in a bit over a year (or potentially less if i can get ahold of a reliable method before that) unless something changes

 

[neverLoved]

Constantly and it eats you up. My mind goes from having highs to lows pretty quickly, I literally feel insane. Time will tell how long I can keep this up for, unfortunately I don't have the means yet to ctb(family). While I do sometimes try to convince myself that the only way out of this insanity is by committing to it.

 

[jar-baby]

Yes, and I hate it. What fluctuates is how much hope I have for my future. If I were faced with the choice of either spending the rest of (what should be) my physical and cognitive prime in the state I'm currently in, or drinking my SN tonight, I'd unquestionably choose the latter. But sometimes it feels like things will get better—like I'll get better. And sometimes it doesn't.

 

[cranberrys]

All the time, have been for years. I have a preferred method and have planned how I'd do it, but then I get to do smth like hang out with my friends and have a good time and then I no longer want to die. Unfortunately that will to live doesn't last forever.

 

[dreamfloat]

Yes, I'm going back and forth now. It's sometimes scary to me to know that once I die, that's it, and that I won't be able to experience the peace I seek since I won't be able to experience anything. And sometimes I think about family/friends. But most of me just wants the struggle to be over.

 

[Leichter Kampfwagen]

My mind used to, but not anymore. Putting on more months that I've been thousands of miles from the one thing that kept me alive did it. I used to look at the videos and pictures I took of it and actually contemplate/feel something, but I don't look at them anymore, and if Google Photos sends me the "2 years ago today" of it or "Fun in the snow" montage I just swipe it away and it doesn't have any affect.

The only thing I look forward to is pizza on Fridays but it certainly doesn't ever make me feel like "life isn't that bad after all" or anything, so it has no overall impact on my suicidality. I sleep 16 hours a day, watch YouTube, go to ketamine appointments, and eat, so I'm basically zero-functioning. I've been worse though, so maybe I'm low functioning idk.

 

[uzuf86]

I can relate. My mind keeps moving between a lot of ctb thoughts and sometimes it tries to get a lot of motivation to live out of nowhere. The trauma I have from my past seems to be way too much to handle. This makes me feel sad and takes my depression to a whole new level.

The only reasons I have to be alive are my family. Maybe I can do good for them by being alive, But again I sustain a lot of pain every day. I hate myself so much that I wish I never existed. I am truly a disgrace to my parents.

 

[glossble]

Yes, I guess this is only because I am a living being and my most greatest and ancient fear is the fear of death and my brain uses any tricks to not to die

There is one american woman with a peculiar type of brain damage that physiologically reduces her ability to feel fear. Researchers tried everything they could to frighten her, but the only time she felt panic was when they gave her carbon dioxide to inhale and she began to suffocate. So even the brain that does not feel fear begins to panic knowing it's going to die

 

[J&L383]

Oh yes! .

Sometimes hour by hour, or day by day. However, since time doesn't stop, and being a physical being only seems to bring more burden, the swing arcs are getting less, and at some point the swing will slow to the crawl and finally stop.

 

[Chemical Animal]

Definitely, one day I'm euphoric, focused and energized, and more willing to laugh and smile. The other day I'm exhausted, sad, pessimistic and nihilistic, to the point I lose my sense of self and forget who I am.

This is, alongside my executive dysfunction cause by mental disorders, one of the main reasons I still haven't chosen a method nor bought the stuff necessary to CTB

 

[EmptyHeaded]

No, not at all. I guess you could say that I've "made up my mind".

 

[Fish_Princess]

yes ive noticed this a lot lately, during the day Im have my happy moments and theres people in my life I want to live for
But at night or whenever Im shut in my room I just hate everything so much and I really think about being dead instead.

 

[dkrw]

I really want(ed) to live so badly
But life is so disappointing
so..,

 

[DistraughtWolf]

As much as i enjoy those little moments when they do happen... In the bigger picture i think it hurts even more having them at all since after those few minutes, hours or maybe even a whole day, it just reminds me that it really is just an exception rather than the rule.

Those few rare things that make me smile and give me glimmer of hope, all of them are out of my control like they have been for the past 5+ years and it's just not going to change.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Nope, my mind never swings from wanting to live and wanting to be dead. I have perpetually wanted to be dead for years now without ever wanting to live. I never want to live at all as existence just isn't worth it for me. Existence is too cruel and exhausting so why would I voluntarily want to live life? I have basically always wanted to be dead