does this sound stupid

[wildflowers1996]

bear in mind I'm diagnosed with ocd and I have no idea if I'm just insane or not at this point

I feel like it makes SO much difference to know whether there is a God or not? and what God's intentions are?

I know God very well may not exist
I've studied philosophy of religion and I am very skeptical - but my mind is always going what if what if??? I don't think it's totally irrational to believe in God? but I don't think I'm objective enough / clever enough to weigh up the arguments for / against God properly

but let's say God DOES exist - is it not then really important to know what He thinks?
there are so many people who have told me I'll go to hell if I'm not "saved" - and they say ctb is a sin Christians say I will be tortured forever if I'm not born again
I'm pretty sure some Muslims also believe in eternal torment if you're not forgiven (so how do you know which religion to follow??)

I know that these people may not be right, and I know there's lots of reasons why they might falsely say / believe these things
But my mind CAN'T get past - what if they're actually right??

If God allows such suffering on earth - maybe it follows He would allow hell to exist too?
maybe God is punishing me? Maybe life IS a test and I'm failing it by ctb? what if it IS the devil trying to make me ctb so I go to hell?

it scares me so much and I worry about other people ctb too in case they go to hell

so I've got a plan to try to read the whole Bible (and perhaps the Quran but reading it involves so many rituals which would set off my ocd I don't know how I'd do it) and just pray lots before ctb? Just in case?? Then if I feel no different and ctb God can see I at least TRIED to seek Him

the problem is reading religious texts triggers my ocd so much and I don't know if I have the focus / energy to read these texts and there's a part of me saying it's pointless because God doesn't actually exist

so yeah I'm sorry for the long post I guess I'm just asking - does it sound like I'm mentally ill / this is ocd talking? Or does the plan sound rational? Because I really can't tell

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Religion is evil.
It's NEVER mentioned in the bible that suicide is a sin.
Also, the concept of suicide as a sin was only introduced into the Christian doctrine until 6AD AFTER the bible was written.
Also hell ( helle ) is an old english word that means underground, or covered.
Hell is also confused with ghehenna : ghehenna was a place where children were sacrificed and burned.
Religion is full of lies and misinterpretations.
It causes an enormous amount of suffering in the world.

 

[Darkover]

there is no evidence for god at all however there is proof that something can come into existence from nothing, i don't believe in any higher power at all i just see the universe popped into existence from nothing and its not exist forever it has a start time and a end time just like everything in life, if there was a god it would have to be pure evil for letting something like this exist and not intervening to put a stop to it

i just see religious people as dumb and naive and delusional there's no way the only book that god ever created was so full of bullshit

 

[wildflowers1996]

thank you both @Nembutal dreams @Darkover
ugh I just idk what to think
I've heard about hell being mistranslated etc but I feel like fundamentalists ALWAYS have another argument as to why they're right so I never know what to believe
I'm always just like "what if the devil is trying to trick me"

and yeah I can see why someone would see religion as being irrational I just idk how to explain why I believe there could be a god like maybe I AM irrational I guess it's hard not to be influenced by all the people who DO believe in God and just seem so sure and I feel like there are arguments that CAN be made for God existing but maybe they aren't very strong arguments idk

 

[Altalune]

I'm more of a theist, I believe in God, but I'm not a very strict follower of my chosen religion as I believe many things in all religions have been changed to fit the agendas of a bunch of corrupt people.

I believe that our lives are tests because we have been created with free will. However, I think God is more likely to employ a case by case analysis in case of ctb. Some of us, like me, are plagued by debilitating mental illness. I have suffered from major depression, ADHD, panic attacks and anxiety for years. I have also suffered from a very poor upbringing at the hands of my parents, which has led me to have very low self worth and self love. I have tried to do things the right way, like seeking therapy, or taking psychiatric medications as prescribed, but it just doesn't seem to work.

Granted, I knew I wouldn't live long since I was 14 or 15, I always knew I'd go like this. That didn't stop me from trying to find a way to live a better life. As of now, I have exhausted my options, so now I'm biding my time. I'll be off within two weeks.

I think what matters here is that you tried your best to make a living, and it didn't work.

 

[painful existence]

Even though I personally think that existence of God is highly unlikely but let us assume the unlikely scenario where God exists.
Now you first would have to figure out which God is the true God .There are thousands of religions and chances of you selecting the right religion and hence the right God are already pretty low and if you have selected the wrong God then again you are going to burn in hell fire for eternity.
Even if we assume that you somehow managed to make the correct choice (the odds are overwhelmingly against you which means that not only you but most of the human race would have the same fate as you) what makes you think that God is merciful and is indeed going to send you to heaven.Since he is an all knowing God therefore this deity knew before creation of mankind that not only are many humans going to immensely suffer on earth but most of them are also going to hellfire for eternity for the rest of their lives and he still went ahead and created human beings.
These are not traits of someone who merciful but more of a psychopath who enjoys torture of its creation and I can never trust anything said by such a God.
Again there are let us say 50 -50 chances that such a deity would keep his word.
There are always going to be slight chances of you (just like majority of the human kind) going to hell and it is almost impossible for you to avoid such a situation as no matter which God you choose there still are going to be chances that you chose the wrong one.So no matter what you do it is not possible for anyone to say that they are completely safe.

 

[wildflowers1996]

@Altalune I'm so sorry you've suffered so much, I really wish you could find happiness but whatever happens I hope you find peace, I'm sorry your life has been filled with so much pain

I really hope God, if He exist, will forgive me for ctb and just for everything else I really hate myself

What I just don't get though is - what makes you believe in God? I have like an inner sense of some sort which makes me believe on some level but I'm not sure I'm being rational

Even though I personally think that existence of God is highly unlikely but let us assume the unlikely scenario where God exists.
Now you first would have to figure out which God is the true God .There are thousands of religions and chances of you selecting the right religion and hence the right God are already pretty low and if you have selected the wrong God then again you are going to burn in hell fire for eternity.
Even if we assume that you somehow managed to make the correct choice (the odds are overwhelmingly against you which means that not only you but most of the human race would have the same fate as you) what makes you think that God is merciful and is indeed going to send you to heaven.Since he is an all knowing God therefore this deity knew before creation of mankind that not only are many humans going to immensely suffer on earth but most of them are also going to hellfire for eternity for the rest of their lives and he still went ahead and created human beings.
These are not traits of someone who merciful but more of a psychopath who enjoys torture of its creation and I can never trust anything said by such a God.
Again there are let us say 50 -50 chances that such a deity would keep his word.
There are always going to be slight chances of you (just like majority of the human kind) going to hell and it is almost impossible for you to avoid such a situation.You are completely powerless .I have made my peace with this.I know for a fact that I cannot do anything to avoid this situation.

Thank you
This is what really scares me - what if God exists but is actually not good - or "not good" in the way /we/ see "good" - and is going to hurt me

 

[Altalune]

@Altalune I'm so sorry you've suffered so much, I really wish you could find happiness but whatever happens I hope you find peace, I'm sorry your life has been filled with so much pain

I really hope God, if He exist, will forgive me for ctb and just for everything else I really hate myself

What I just don't get though is - what makes you believe in God? I have like an inner sense of some sort which makes me believe on some level but I'm not sure I'm being ration

I believe in God because I was raised to do so, but also because it's easier to explain some things this way. To some it might just be about a magic man in the sky and his human toys, but it's much deeper than that. Religion offers hope and a chance of salvation. As humans, the lives we live may seem futile at times. "What was it all for?" is a common question that we have all asked ourselves at one point, because all humans make mistakes, and therefore they all suffer. Religion offers kindness and understanding in this regard. If you turn to religion, you can see these as tribulations and pray for strength. Religion says you'll be forgiven and loved regardless of the mistakes you have made and that is a common need for many, many people.

I don't really care about the formalities of religion like praying or fasting or whatever, but what makes me a believer is the notion that my life wasn't for nothing, and that my creator loves me regardless. I did everything to guard the life I was given, and I was unsuccessful. Ctb has been on my mind for at least 10 years. The only reason I didn't go through with it was this. Now that I've done all I can, I'm alright with using my last resort. Maybe my calling is to make it a learning opportunity for you guys somehow. This is what I believe now.

 

[painful existence]

@Altalune I'm so sorry you've suffered so much, I really wish you could find happiness but whatever happens I hope you find peace, I'm sorry your life has been filled with so much pain

I really hope God, if He exist, will forgive me for ctb and just for everything else I really hate myself

What I just don't get though is - what makes you believe in God? I have like an inner sense of some sort which makes me believe on some level but I'm not sure I'm being rational

Thank you
This is what really scares me - what if God exists but is actually not good - or "not good" in the way /we/ see "good" - and is going to hurt me

Well if that God is not good then you cannot be saved by any religion/ ideology .So there is no point in torturing yourself by reading those religious scriptures.We are completely powerless and our fate is already sealed and no amount of worry would change that

I believe in God because I was raised to do so, but also because it's easier to explain some things this way. To some it might just be about a magic man in the sky and his human toys, but it's much deeper than that. Religion offers hope and a chance of salvation. As humans, the lives we live may seem futile at times. "What was it all for?" is a common question that we have all asked ourselves at one point, because all humans make mistakes, and therefore they all suffer. Religion offers kindness and understanding in this regard. If you turn to religion, you can see these as tribulations and pray for strength. Religion says you'll be forgiven and loved regardless of the mistakes you have made and that is a common need for many, many people.

I don't really care about the formalities of religion like praying or fasting or whatever, but what makes me a believer is the notion that my life wasn't for nothing, and that my creator loves me regardless. I did everything to guard the life I was given, and I was unsuccessful. Ctb has been on my mind for at least 10 years. The only reason I didn't go through with it was this. Now that I've done all I can, I'm alright with using my last resort. Maybe my calling is to make it a learning opportunity for you guys somehow. This is what I believe now.

I completely agree with you.I think religion in moderate doses can be useful for many people.However if consumed excessively ( I was myself a fundamentalist and highly religious person once) it also has the capability to make your life miserable.When I was extreme religious believer I was excessively worried about hellfire and my "sins".Those thoughts were also extremely torturous.But I do believe that human beings need a purpose to live and religion can provide that purpose.So if for someone religion has the potential to help them with their mental health and well being I would say they should become religious .However if your mental well being is only going to be harmed then there is no point in becoming religious

 

[lopsidedcrawdad1]

I'm more of a theist, I believe in God, but I'm not a very strict follower of my chosen religion as I believe many things in all religions have been changed to fit the agendas of a bunch of corrupt people.

I believe that our lives are tests because we have been created with free will. However, I think God is more likely to employ a case by case analysis in case of ctb. Some of us, like me, are plagued by debilitating mental illness. I have suffered from major depression, ADHD, panic attacks and anxiety for years. I have also suffered from a very poor upbringing at the hands of my parents, which has led me to have very low self worth and self love. I have tried to do things the right way, like seeking therapy, or taking psychiatric medications as prescribed, but it just doesn't seem to work.

Granted, I knew I wouldn't live long since I was 14 or 15, I always knew I'd go like this. That didn't stop me from trying to find a way to live a better life. As of now, I have exhausted my options, so now I'm biding my time. I'll be off within two weeks.

I think what matters here is that you tried your best to make a living, and it didn't work.

I dont think free will even exists.

 

[ManByTheRiver]

In the Lutheran Christian faith it is believe that everyone is already saved, and all you need to do is ask to be forgiven. There is still a concept of "hell", to be in the absence of God, but I think that is more your choice than a punishment.

Hope this gives a nice alternative Christian perspective to you.

 

[voyager]

I've never read the bible or any other scripture in my life, and never will, just pointing that out up front.

When you say you're not clever enough to weigh arguments for or against God then you actually are, because you sound agnostic and it makes perfect sense to be one in this universe, since neither religion nor science can truly explain our origin or consciousness. This is not a jab against believers or atheists but simply a reaction to what you professed above.

As you said, let's assume there is a God, well, I honestly doubt he/she is such a vicious monster as humans make them out to be. Punishing people for all eternity for the slightest offence just seems a bit sick and tad unreasonable. What purpose is served by suffering and punishment for all time if one can never redeem oneself?

Plus, it's what many of us are already experiencing on this planet, the inability to change our lives. So, if we already can't handle this existence, how then does it make sense damning us to an even worse fate on another plane for all time? Sounds like the most redundant exercise ever.

God either abstains from interfering on this planet or is completely overworked. Again, what purpose is there in killing a five year old kid by cancer or through some maniac? What's the point in tying a tetraplegic to a bed for several decades? And so forth. There is none. Therefore, it's reasonable to assume that God just accepts the results of whatever happens here.

One thing I have heard though in religion is that God apparently burdens no one with things they can't handle. Therefore God is perfectly fine with suicide.

No, to me at least, this "God" humans have devised in organised religion just serves to control people on this planet through fearmongering. I can't say if there's any real meaning to this existence, so far I fail to see one, but this world actually makes more sense through the concept of determinism than some redundant godly exercise. God, all knowing and that, would already be aware of our final results, free will or not, and therefore it again seems utterly pointless to test us. Determinism on the other hand doesn't put meaning into this existence but can explain every act that has ever happened or is going to happen, albeit without foretelling the future due to lack of information. Basically we aren't free per se, so if we end up killing ourselves or not, it was always going to play out that way and therefore all results are perfectly fine.

Some say that's a cheap excuse to do what one wants, but it doesn't matter, because the belief or rejection of determinism literally doesn't alter our behaviour.

the problem is reading religious texts triggers my ocd so much

If so, that sounds like a really bad idea and hope you refrain from doing so to keep your sanity.