Does this sound right to you?

[London Fella]

Was going to stab myself in the lungs the other day, or self immolate (I posted on here.)

Phoned my whore of a mother (gave me away a birth, usually ignores my calls, and speaks to me with such distain that it hurts) and I told her what I was contemplating. She said she was cooking a stir fry, and could listen to the "bollocks." Hung up on me.

I remember speaking to her again, and she said I'm a manipulator, an attention seeker and emotional blackmailer.

I was going to OD the other week, was so close, I told this new care coordinator and all he asked was if I had any thoughts of hurting anyone else, to which I said of course not. He said he would call me on the Monday. I never answered his calls for almost 3 weeks, then the rage took over me and I called him. I told him he'd failed me, that I could have been lying here, decomposing, and he never even did a welfare check. I told him not to call me anymore, and he simply said "ok."

Just called the urgent advice line, told them I'm feeling really unwell and that I don't want to be here anymore. He simply said that I have capacity, and if that's what I want to do then he can't stop me.

To give you a bit of history, I have a diagnoses of EUPD & OCD. I've been sectioned 25 times in 4 years for serious overdoses, rooftop stand-offs & I once tried to jump off of the Clifton Suspension Bridge. Was caught & sectioned by police.

Anyway, I'm at the lowest point I have ever been in my existence (I refuse to call it a life) and I've got Friday in my sights. I can't take this anymore. This will be the biggest overdose I have ever taken (I've died before, from a quarter of what I have) and I don't plan on making any alert calls. I'll just go on a pub crawl (mixing alcohol with the OD is what makes it lethal) then when the time is right, I'll bolt the tablets. I'm a bit out of practice (haven't overdosed in a few months) so it might be a bit hard to get them down me. But I'm experienced, and have my techniques.

I have to get this done.

The time is right.

I'm fucking hurting, my friends.

 

[Bedrock48]

EUPD is such a horrible illness to suffer with, I know it all too well. I'm sorry you're going through this hell and hurting this badly.

I've been told I have capacity way too many times when anyone with a pair of eyes could see differently. When you want help that fucking stings.

I won't tell you what you should or shouldn't do but I'm holding space for you. With EUPD things can improve and it may not always be this way but I understand if you can't see it that way. All the best man whatever happens and whatever you decide.

 

[London Fella]

EUPD is such a horrible illness to suffer with, I know it all too well. I'm sorry you're going through this hell and hurting this badly.

I've been told I have capacity way too many times when anyone with a pair of eyes could see differently. When you want help that fucking stings.

I won't tell you what you should or shouldn't do but I'm holding space for you. With EUPD things can improve and it may not always be this way but I understand if you can't see it that way. All the best man whatever happens and whatever you decide.

EUPD is truly demonised.

We are known as the worst of the 10 personality disorders.

I'm classed as extremely high risk, to the point where they won't give me therapy, yet on the other hand they say I have capacity and do fuck all to help me.

I am literally telling them what I am going to do, and they seem to just not care? When I make my next attempt (possibly Friday) the rage within me will get me over SI. Sounds cliché, coming from an EUPD bod, but I'll fucking show them.

 

[Crazy4u]

I don't think I have any good advice that you didn't hear before. I am sorry. If you want to talk to us we are here for you. Please know that some people care but may not know what to say or do.

Do you feel comfortable checking in at a hospital?

 

[Rabhen]

Still here. Two large bottles of benadryl, crushed and mixed with root beer to make them palatable and go down easy. Unplugged the only phone and removed the phone from the house, parked my car three blocks away. Locked myself into the house by locking the door knob and the deadbolt with a key, then threw the keys out the third floor window down into a dumpster below. Locked in, only set of keys gone, no phone, alone. Woke up the next day in the icu. My at the time husbands girlfriend 'had a feeling something was wrong' and sent him to check on me. Despite my car not being parked outside, the door being locked and me being unconscious, so unresponsive, he felt he needed to break down the door 'to check on me'. When I returned home, there was butter al over the house. Apparently, I had conversations with Fairies, and others during my OD and fed the Fairies butter because they liked it. I remember dancing with some guy with long blond hair that suddenly appeared in my living room, he told me I had to hold on, that his son needed me. Five years after that attempt I up and moved across the country, met the man I danced with, then his son. His son and I have been together for 15 years now.
There was NO way anyone could have known. I told no one. I spoke to no one. I removed the phone, my car, locked the house, got rid of the keys, which cost me a bundle to replace.
I still have suicidal ideaology and toughts, but that is because I am still bullied and treated like shit and have been homeless for 10 years now. I live in a 12X20 shed with no running water, unreliable off grid power that needs to be charged by a car most days to keep my phone and laptop charged and a wood burning stove that will probably kill me (easy solution) because we cannot afford to fix or replace her and she leaks CO causing me migraines and severe nausea, especially when it was 20 below right before yule.
All this is why I found this site. Life is just too much. I live in fucking America for christ fucking sake and cannot afford to live in a place with a fucking toilet or a place to wash my fucking arm pits. How fucking third world fucking country does that sound to you? I dare not try the OD method. How the fuck could I have possibly survived, yet I did and no, things did not get better...
BUT....My husband now, the one I have been with for 15 years now, 10 together homeless, accepts me as I am and never tries to tell me I shouldn't think about killing myself he only tells me he understands and would miss me and would like me to stay with him. So for now, I do, but once I find my own way out, I will go. I just do not trust OD, 240 benedryl could not take me out.

 

[Bedrock48]

EUPD is truly demonised.

We are known as the worst of the 10 personality disorders.

I'm classed as extremely high risk, to the point where they won't give me therapy, yet on the other hand they say I have capacity and do fuck all to help me.

I am literally telling them what I am going to do, and they seem to just not care? When I make my next attempt (possibly Friday) the rage within me will get me over SI. Sounds cliché, coming from an EUPD bod, but I'll fucking show them.

Yeah and a lot of the things that people with EUPD are demonised about are things that are caused by the very people and situations that contributed to the illness. A lot of those things are also treatable or at least manageable on receiving the right therapies and help, like DBT. Yet mental health services get less and less funding and people get left behind.

Most people with EUPD are not bad people, just people that have been struggling far too long in environments and situations that make them worse.

It still could be possibly for you to find help so I hope you think things through between now and then but as always no pressure. We're all here for you no matter what happens. Either way I hope you get some respite.

 

[London Fella]

I don't think I have any good advice that you didn't hear before. I am sorry. If you want to talk to us we are here for you. Please know that some people care but may not know what to say or do.

Do you feel comfortable checking in at a hospital?

Thanks for the kind words, but I'm passed reaching out for help.

I've done it many times recently, but just get fucked off.

I've never presented to hospital. I see it as a weakness, and only end up there after I've overdosed or cut myself.

I don't even know why I put this post up? Maybe I'm trying to see if I'm expecting too much? These so called professionals have confused me so much that I don't know if I'm coming or going.

 

[Crazy4u]

Thanks for the kind words, but I'm passed reaching out for help.

I've done it many times recently, but just get fucked off.

I've never presented to hospital. I see it as a weakness, and only end up there after I've overdosed or cut myself.

I don't even know why I put this post up? Maybe I'm trying to see if I'm expecting too much? These so called professionals have confused me so much that I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I am glad you wrote the post. if i were you, I would try to get some rest and enjoy sometime outdoors if possible. It is hard to carry on or to ctb when you feel so low. Take care

 

[Foresight]

Glad to see you again. I wish you some rest and at least know you're heard when you speak here. The world can be so cold, there's no denying that. I'm sorry to hear your situation.

Do you need to have contact with your birth mother? Leaving behind such toxic relatives is always better when possible.

 

[London Fella]

Glad to see you again. I wish you some rest and at least know you're heard when you speak here. The world can be so cold, there's no denying that. I'm sorry to hear your situation.

Do you need to have contact with your birth mother? Leaving behind such toxic relatives is always better when possible.

Thanks for the kindness.

To be honest, I don't really have anyone.

Only my nan, who I spend weekends with (she raised me) but the worry I'm putting her through is not good for her health. She's 89.

She called police the other day, and I was classed as a high risk missing person. They were all searching for me. They eventually found me lying in bed (I no longer lock my front door, as they've blasted it in so many times.) They saw a bag, with 4 bottles of cider, and a carving knife (was going to stab myself in the lungs) and they just said "he's ok" and left me?

I just can't work this out?

It's like they actually want me to do it. The whole "system."

 

[Eternally Dottie]

Thanks for the kindness.

To be honest, I don't really have anyone.

Only my nan, who I spend weekends with (she raised me) but the worry I'm putting her through is not good for her health. She's 89.

She called police the other day, and I was classed as a high risk missing person. They were all searching for me. They eventually found me lying in bed (I no longer lock my front door, as they've blasted it in so many times.) They saw a bag, with 4 bottles of cider, and a carving knife (was going to stab myself in the lungs) and they just said "he's ok" and left me?

I just can't work this out?

It's like they actually want me to do it. The whole "system."

I'm so sorry this is all happening to you. You've changed your username recently I think but I have read some of your previous posts. The system is dire and it's terrible that you have been so let down when you are clearly asking to be helped. Wish I could say something helpful but I really hope you get the support you need somehow