Discussion Does the pain that your loved ones may face hold you back?

[dogemn]

That's what holds me back the most from CTBing even though I have everything planned out and ready to do it at just about any time now.

 

[divinemistress36]

Same

 

[kyhoti]

It has kept the dark wolf at bay for years. Unfortunately for me, my passing is inevitable, so either way, there will be grief.

 

[itsalittlecold]

Yes, it's worst than SI at this rate

 

[just cant]

No, they don't care about how much pain I am in

 

[dtkdave87]

The pain of not being for my 5yo daughter when she needs me most is what holds me back. Otherwise I would have faded it away

 

[sugarb]

It's upsetting to think about, but it won't stop me.

 

[madhatguy]

Yeah. I'm grateful though that I have people that are worth at least postponing it for. "If wasn't for them, I'd make that decision"
cool pfp btw

 

[Forever Sleep]

My Dad is the last person I think it would really affect. It's the major thing keeping me here. It's hard to know how I'll feel when he's gone. I worry that fear will still hold me back after that. Still, I suspect it will then be a competition of what scares me most- continuing to live or, trying to die.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Not at all. My desire for freedom and peace far outweighs than how they would feel if I died. Firstly, I'm the main character in my life as I see life from my perspective hence I value myself more than I value others. Secondly, if my parents didn't want to deal with grief, they shouldn't have gave birth to a child in the first place

 

[1043169]

I don't want to hurt my mom. She's my everything and she's been through so much. My sister too but my mom really is stopping me.

 

[EternalSummer]

Yep, by far the main reason. I know it will ruin my mother and dad lives. I'm trying to make it very clear it's not their fault in my letter, but I guess they will blame themselves no matter what.

I wanted to CTB this saturday, but the proccess of deleting all social media, writing letters and comteplating the aftermath was too much to handle. This night many nightmares, it was horrible. But I guess I have to be better prepared mentally, is life really worth living to keep them happy? I don't know, they have sacrificed so much for me, sometimes I think that would be my way of giving back somehow.

 

[kvsvenky100]

Nope. I don't care about loved ones.

 

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

Before finding this site it's been the only reason I haven't so far. Trying to hold on so my best friend and partner don't have to go to my funeral. Especially my partner. I shudder to think of him finding my body since it will be him who finds it.

 

[EternalSummer]

Before finding this site it's been the only reason I haven't so far. Trying to hold on so my best friend and partner don't have to go to my funeral. Especially my partner. I shudder to think of him finding my body since it will be him who finds it.

Can't you book a hotel room?

 

[Unspoken7612]

A little bit.

Sometimes I think "I would rather I had this pain than anyone else".

Other times I remember that my parents did something very bad to me, for their own benefit, which caused me to stop valuing my own existence any longer. If they're allowed to do that then I'm allowed to do this.

 

[RandomUser25]

Yes. That's probably the only thing that holds me back at this point.
And I know it sounds like a meme, but for me it's literally - mom would be sad. Only I cannot even imagine how much distress it will cause get. I've been keeping up a front of struggling but getting by for years at this point.

 

[Defenestration]

Yes

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

It shows that you care about them a lot and don't want to leave them behind, it's very conscientious of you to consider how the people you love would react to such a decision. Despite that I know it must be incredibly painful to grapple with such a dilemma.

To answer the question you posed, I don't really have any loved ones left except my grandmother. When my grandmother passes, I will be right behind her most likely. I feel some guilt because a great deal of my grandmother's relatives and immediate family members have died by suicide throughout her lifetime. My grandma is the only person left in this world that actually cares about me, and I know she doesn't have a long time left either.

I try to endure it for her sake.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Frankly not a bit

 

[circus22]

Yes definitely. I've been distancing myself from them to make it easier for me to go through with it

 

[kneegrow_voids]

somewhat

I don't wanna be the reason my friend ctb

other than that i think i can deal with the guilt

 

[AgonizinglyAlive]

No. Oddly no. The only thing holding me back is my fear of death.

 

[crownofcerberus]

Kind of. The way that I view it is that its selfish of me to CTB and disregard their feelings, but its also selfish of them to want me only here just to suffer further. Not even thinking about them is the best way to go about it.

 

[VeryShy]

Yes. I have parents who love me very much, and would be devastated if I were to CTB.
Idk what would happen to them after I'm gone.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

It's what stopped me for years, decades. And having known a lot of people who have CTB'd, like a lot, far too many - I don't think the actual act of CTB is inherently selfish, some people just have to go. But to anyone, anyone at all, can find ways that they're not found by loved ones, DO THAT. People recover quicker from grief than they do from trauma & if there's any way not to inflict it, try & try again. I know someone who found someone in the most gruesome situation & had to deal with the aftermath & twenty years later, they're still traumatised. And the family of people who didn't find them, while they suffered & suffered, it wasn't the picture they saw behind their eyelids for the rest of their lives. It was the other thing that stopped me & when I read a way around it (in a cake recipe book, I repeat, a fucking cake recipe book!!!???), I felt that weight lift too. Not everyone has options & I truly understand that, there's no judgment here. Just if you can, do.

 

[UKscotty]

Yes absolutely. I think only a complete psychopath doesn't care about how others feel.

We have to balance up our own suffering vs that of others and when the scales are tipped too far, I think its our time to leave this world.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

I felt the scales tipping for years. Gradually, then suddenly, then past the point of return. Felt a shift when I knew there was no going back. Trying to get my shit together, was supposed to be long gone by now…Is it irony or just shit circumstances that I'm too sick to get some of this organised - like too sick to live, too sick to die, just sitting around waiting for the bus to come to me…???

 

[Edpal247]

Yes. I would leave them a terrible mess and they would be heart broken. Really only thing holding me back I believe.

 

[Endless_suffering]

That's the only thing that's held me back. I have a couple friends. Like three. That I would hurt. And I don't wanna hurt anyone. But I'm sick of me hurting all the time and putting myself thru hell on behalf of someone else so I'm going thru with my plan :/