Does purchasing materials change you as person?

[eighthhouse]

I'm in an okay place in my life and I'm not considering ctb'ing at the moment, but that may change in the future. I have concerns about a product eventually becoming unavailable (would prefer if the name / nickname of said product not be mentioned directly here, even if we can all guess what it is). I've been thinking about stocking up for a long time, but I wondered if the act of doing so would change some things about my life. I worry that having ctb materials on hand will make me distracted and withdrawn, because I'll be able to comfort myself in knowing that I can end things at any time, whereas now, not being readily able to end my life, I have to build resilience and deal with my problems head-on. So I'm wondering, has anyone ever had the experience of buying any materials and then noticing a subsequent change in how they approach their problems, how they think about their life, and how they interact with other people? It's weird because I'm sorta recovering and don't actually want to buy anything but like... idk I feel time pressure. I would also prefer if only adults interacted with this post, thank you.

 

[PatheticCase]

Not sure if I qualify as an adult (though technically everyone on here is supposed to be at least 18), since Im early 20s, but I bought a heavy duty ceiling hook a while ago and I think if anything it comforted me knowing I had an out, just in case. I dont know if it "helped" though, as it also at times consumed my thoughts to the point I couldn't really bring myself to face my responsibilities.

 

[Backwoodsqueer]

Personally, purchasing my supplies gave me a sense of comfort. I dont think it changed me negatively at all or made me think about it more. If anything, I think it helped my anxiety by knowing I'm fully in control and prepared if/when I want to follow through.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I'm actually more cautious in my CTB attempts now that I've proper knowledge. That said, having the means helped provide some comfort - it reduces the feeling of helplessness and lack of control.

That said, I've had a tentative planned date and plans are being laid. I'm in my early 30s by the way.

We do what we need to help ourselves, I guess. Different strokes for different folks, but I hope you are at peace with whichever option chosen.

 

[Makko]

The false sense of time pressure is induced by some overblown media reactions. They banned N, now there's SN. They'll ban SN, there's SA. They'll ban that, there'll be something else still. If you really want something, there are ways of getting it despite any ban. There are also a whole lot of things that simply can't be banned. There will always be methods.

 

[9BBN]

If you have a means to ctb, it might comfort you and let you live a little better. On the other hand, if your access to ctb is too easy, then you run the risk becoming more withdrawn, or even one day ctbing impulsively. I think you can find a balance depending on how you know yourself. Personally I have an escape plan, but I don't have any of the materials. It gives me peace of mind, and I don't need the materials for that. But maybe some people do.

My guess is that purchasing materials will change you in the same way that having a ctb plan changed you. So ask yourself, did it give you more comfort or make you more withdrawn? And if it's comfort you're looking for, then given the magnitude of the situation, I'd strongly recommend you try anything else that can comfort you before you do something potentially irreversible to your mood. I second Makko's post: there will always be methods for ctb, so I don't think you should be worried about needing a method in hand at all times.

 

[eighthhouse]

The false sense of time pressure is induced by some overblown media reactions. They banned N, now there's SN. They'll ban SN, there's SA. They'll ban that, there'll be something else still. If you really want something, there are ways of getting it despite any ban. There are also a whole lot of things that simply can't be banned. There will always be methods.

Thank you. I appreciate your confidence, as I guess I completely lack any of my own at the moment. I hope you're right. I fear there being a time when there aren't easily accessible peaceful methods. But also I'm sure I underestimate the adaptability of this community.

If you have a means to ctb, it might comfort you and let you live a little better. On the other hand, if your access to ctb is too easy, then you run the risk becoming more withdrawn, or even one day ctbing impulsively. I think you can find a balance depending on how you know yourself. Personally I have an escape plan, but I don't have any of the materials. It gives me peace of mind, and I don't need the materials for that. But maybe some people do.

My guess is that purchasing materials will change you in the same way that having a ctb plan changed you. So ask yourself, did it give you more comfort or make you more withdrawn? And if it's comfort you're looking for, then given the magnitude of the situation, I'd strongly recommend you try anything else that can comfort you before you do something potentially irreversible to your mood. I second Makko's post: there will always be methods for ctb, so I don't think you should be worried about needing a method in hand at all times.

Actually having a plan calmed me down tremendously, and now, like a year on, I'm more engaged in my life and less inclined towards other directions. Although, the act of coming up with a plan might still have a net negative effect; i.e., maybe if I never came up with a plan then I would have become a more resilient person, and maybe that would've guaranteed that I'd never ctb, but here we are -- I'm good for now but still unsteady about the future. Having materials might make it more real though and have a different effect on me than just having a plan. I guess I wouldn't know unless I bought them, but I'd have to weigh the pros and cons. Again, I appreciate your confidence as well -- the reality check is nice. I suppose the next step is looking inwards and thinking about my tendencies as a person and whether this would help or hinder me.

if anything it comforted me knowing I had an out, just in case. I dont know if it "helped" though, as it also at times consumed my thoughts to the point I couldn't really bring myself to face my responsibilities.

I'm actually more cautious in my CTB attempts now that I've proper knowledge. That said, having the means helped provide some comfort - it reduces the feeling of helplessness and lack of control.

Personally, purchasing my supplies gave me a sense of comfort. I dont think it changed me negatively at all or made me think about it more. If anything, I think it helped my anxiety by knowing I'm fully in control and prepared if/when I want to follow through.

Thank you all -- this is exactly what I was looking for.

 

[AnonymousS]

I'm in an okay place in my life and I'm not considering ctb'ing at the moment, but that may change in the future. I have concerns about a product eventually becoming unavailable (would prefer if the name / nickname of said product not be mentioned directly here, even if we can all guess what it is). I've been thinking about stocking up for a long time, but I wondered if the act of doing so would change some things about my life. I worry that having ctb materials on hand will make me distracted and withdrawn, because I'll be able to comfort myself in knowing that I can end things at any time, whereas now, not being readily able to end my life, I have to build resilience and deal with my problems head-on. So I'm wondering, has anyone ever had the experience of buying any materials and then noticing a subsequent change in how they approach their problems, how they think about their life, and how they interact with other people? It's weird because I'm sorta recovering and don't actually want to buy anything but like... idk I feel time pressure. I would also prefer if only adults interacted with this post, thank you.

It could potentially tip the balance, it would depend on your mood i would have thought.

 

[lifecouldbedream]

I don't think it necessarily changes you, just makes you more aware of your true feelings.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

It is always nice to have a backup plan. I don't think it really changes anything, at least it didn't for me. Look at how many people on here own bottles of N and/or firearms. I don't think there is a perfect or easy method. All of them require you to overcome SI.

I read about all those celebrity suicides and come to realize it was probably years in the making with multiple failed attempts. Like most things in life I think you have to work up to it and it is very tricky to get it right the first time.

 

[ExLife]

Indeed, getting a full SN kit is proving to be a huge relief that calmed me down. I am able to focus and cope again
Might still try to seek a better method though

 

[PeacefulTonic]

I thought it would help with the anxiety, alleviate some of the suicidal thoughts, and bring some comfort, but nope, it didn't change anything for me. I'm as sad as ever and ready to go

 

[Beau]

I don't think it changed me as a person. It just gives me comfort in that I have a proven, painless option I can use when needed. Since this is all being driven by a physical illness, which seems to be getting worse and worse, it is reassuring that it will be ME making the decisions about my future, not somebody in a white lab coat.