Help Does leaving a note bring comfort to your loved ones?

[Cheza_mus]

Hey friends..my ctb date will be in easter season hopefully...one thing disturbing me is the pain that my ctb will bring to my loved ones especially my mum..I personally don't want to leave a note( I feel better having it that way) but I am considering it incase it brings peace to my loved ones..would like to hear your views...

Edited: I wouldn't want to blame anyone for my ctb decision..

 

[cececo]

I don't really know how anyone would react or if it's brought anyone peace or anything like that. I think in some ways a note is for ourselves to say anything we need to and won't be able to after, or maybe to serve as our reasoning if we don't want those we leave behind to wonder. But words can get twisted no matter what. So I'd really say it's more up to you and how it would make you feel. In the past I liked writing one since I got to be honest when I never had about things no one will know that led me to where I am. I don't even know if anyone would ever find said note, it's still on an old computer. But that was more for myself to write down what all I've been through to remind myself. A sort of self biograhy since everything will die with me otherwise and they'll never know. At this point I don't really care about writing out a note, I have old directions in my phone of what to tell some people but I doubt that note will be found much less followed if it was, and all people in the note aren't even really around now. So I'd really say it's for you and how it'll make you feel. If you still have things to say or that you want them to know, write it so it's not weighing on you. If it's somewhere they might never find then in a way it's like you didn't write it as well.

 

[Al Cappella]

I don't know, but suspect probably not.

 

[Rob1984]

I don't think there's a general rule to this. I mean, if somebody left a note blaming everybody in their lives that "fucked them up" then I'm sure skipping the note is for the best. I think a meaningful note that tries to avoid blaming anyone in particular isn't a bad idea. It can give certain people closure. Without a note, everybody questions themselves if they are to blame. People close to you will always wonder what they could've done to stop you (and what they did wrong), but a meaningful note may give just the smallest bit of reassurance.

So, a vindictive note is the worst (imo). No note is less bad, but still extremely troubling. Lastly, a meaningful note that avoids blame/harm seems to me to be the most appropriate and helpful. I don't have any science backing this up. But obviously a vindictive note is fucked up...

 

[*Psyche*]

It really depends on what you're going to say in your note. As someone who lost a loved one to suicide, and watched her family go through the aftermath of it, here is my advice: Because it's not something you need to do for your own closure, I would say that if it's going to be uplifting or bring closure for your loved ones, then do so. Often, those we leave behind have questions & blame themselves even if they are not to blame. You can leave a general note, or you can leave notes for various different people. It can be long or it can be short. It's all up to you. But, oftentimes, notes do help the living. Of course, you're still welcome to leave no note at all. But leaving some kind of answer, or to at least ease their minds that they are not to blame, is my opinion of a last kindness we can do for them.

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course it is up to you, it is a personal thing whether you want to leave a note or not, but for me personally I would leave one and say things like 'there is nothing you could have done' and 'now I am at peace'. The note would give them some closure and would mean they are not left with unanswered questions. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Cheza_mus]

Also the other reason I wouldn't want to leave a note behind is I feel it would be shameful after people confirm that I ctb

 

[allesistgut]

whatever you do is of course up to you. but all i can say is my friend left behind a short note for me (not with any details or explanation) and i'll cherish the last words she wrote to me until i eventually ctb. it still hurts more than i can say not having her here, but i'm glad she left me something.

 

[Sanva]

I'm conflicted about this. personally i won't leave one, i just wouldn't know what to say. but i think it might help if they don't know you're struggling at all and your death will come out of the blue for them. They might want an explanation or just some last words they can keep to remember you by. But at the end of the day they're going to be dealing with the loss of a loved one, and not much is going to comfort them, at least not in the initial stages.

 

[davidgeorge]

It's a difficult decision. Leaving a note may help your loved ones to understand there's nothing they could have done to stop you ctb. I expect otherwise they'd struggle with guilt. I believe - although don't have the evidence - there's an increased suicide rate in families where someone has killed themself.

 

[Thequietone]

I wrote 6 notes. 1 for my parents, 2 for closer friends, 1 for my therapist, 1 for my ex teacher and 1 for my ex social worker.

Every letter is personal written for the persons and I explained myself and that I appreciated the time I had with them and that I did it because I felt like it is the right thing for me and that I never felt comfortable being me and with living in general.

So I think in my case it helps but it is your choice. I felt like I wanna do that.

Also planned my funeral and stuff so they don't need to handle it.

 

[*Psyche*]

Also the other reason I wouldn't want to leave a note behind is I feel it would be shameful after people confirm that I ctb

So, are you hoping that people will initially believe your death was either an accident or of natural causes?
It is inevitable that at least your immediate family members will find out that it was suicide, as in many places (at least in the US) only immediate family can get copies of death certificates & autopsy reports for free. Often, they automatically receive them. So, they will find out within a few days.
I know in some cultures suicide may be shameful, but I think your family will be more consumed with grief & guilt than thinking about shaming you.
Remember that grief is a process, too. There are many emotions the living experience after the loss of a loved one & it never goes in a straight line. One day a person may be filled with sadness & the next anger. A week later, he or she may be despondent again, asking why & blaming themselves, only to feel rage a month later. Eventually, though, they do reach acceptance & peace with the loss. But it takes time.
I think that leaving a letter may alleviate some of these feelings in the aftermath of your loss. It may shorten their time of grief, or help them to move on & be at peace with it more quickly. I truly wish my friend had left a letter for me. It's something I would have cherished forever.
I wish you the best in your decision. I know it's difficult, but we are here to support you. (Hugs)

I wrote 6 notes. 1 for my parents, 2 for closer friends, 1 for my therapist, 1 for my ex teacher and 1 for my ex social worker.

Every letter is personal written for the persons and I explained myself and that I appreciated the time I had with them and that I did it because I felt like it is the right thing for me and that I never felt comfortable being me and with living in general.

So I think in my case it helps but it is your choice. I felt like I wanna do that.

Also planned my funeral and stuff so they don't need to handle it.

I also plan to leave several personal notes & arrange & pay for my funeral ahead of time so no one will be bothered with all of that. I find it admirable that you're also thinking ahead & keeping those you leave behind in mind so as not to cause them more pain/inconvenience than necessary.

 

[Thequietone]

So, are you hoping that people will initially believe your death was either an accident or of natural causes?
It is inevitable that at least your immediate family members will find out that it was suicide, as in many places (at least in the US) only immediate family can get copies of death certificates & autopsy reports for free. Often, they automatically receive them. So, they will find out within a few days.
I know in some cultures suicide may be shameful, but I think your family will be more consumed with grief & guilt than thinking about shaming you.
Remember that grief is a process, too. There are many emotions the living experience after the loss of a loved one & it never goes in a straight line. One day a person may be filled with sadness & the next anger. A week later, he or she may be despondent again, asking why & blaming themselves, only to feel rage a month later. Eventually, though, they do reach acceptance & peace with the loss. But it takes time.
I think that leaving a letter may alleviate some of these feelings in the aftermath of your loss. It may shorten their time of grief, or help them to move on & be at peace with it more quickly. I truly wish my friend had left a letter for me. It's something I would have cherished forever.
I wish you the best in your decision. I know it's difficult, but we are here to support you. (Hugs)

I also plan to leave several personal notes & arrange & pay for my funeral ahead of time so no one will be bothered with all of that. I find it admirable that you're also thinking ahead & keeping those you leave behind in mind so as not to cause them more pain/inconvenience than necessary.

Yeah thanks. For me it is very important to do that. They will be sad enough. And personal letters are much better than a simply goodbye note.

 

[ineedrope]

i would leave a note just telling my family that i love them and it wasn't their fault and there was nothing they could do if I go through with it