monetpompo
૮ • ﻌ - ა
- Apr 21, 2025
- 428
my parents don't like me ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´ω`ﾟ)ﾟ｡
i used to think that my parents wanted me because they didn't drop me off somewhere or abort me. now that i'm older i know that the reason they didn't abort me is because they're anti-choice and they just didn't want to feel responsible for abandoning their kid at 6. i might've preferred a foster home to my birth parents, though. i'm too old now. my dad and my mom don't really know how to support me. they don't know what to do with me. i'm 20 years old now and the last kid. it's very hard for me to come up with an actual reason for why i was born besides for my mom's entertainment. i don't think that she's ever liked me when i've done something because i'm a sentient being and not a cute doll. i genuinely want to ask her why i was born if i bring almost no benefit into her life and the only way that i can be seen as a worthwhile human being is if i get a job, a license, and move away from home so that she never has to see me again.
my parents have been acting tired of me for a while. i feel guilty that i still live with them when i could just be dead and they won't have to deal with me anymore. my sister's always been better at things than me while i've never really had the passion to try at anything, so i think that i've always been a failure. i hate how much i disappoint everyone by having no will to do anything. i just think that i should leave things to people that actually know how to do them instead of stupid people like me that just mess everything up. i always seem to embarrass myself because i don't know how to do things that people expect me to do. one time i was trying to help someone build a nightstand from ikea and he told me that i was doing it all wrong. back in my chess club everybody told me that i was moving pieces wrong and didn't like playing with me that much. back in middle school people told me i didn't know how to socialize.
i get scared and worried that everyone is just going to give me that disappointed look or laugh at me because they're incredulous that i don't know how to do something so obvious, and it's just going to keep happening until i die. maybe i just take everything too personally. i don't know. i just know that my parents aren't proud of me for being the person i am right now. if they given an option to live a life where me and my other siblings didn't exist (didn't want them either) with the knowledge of raising us up our twenties, then they would probably pick the life where they got divorced and lived way happier lives. my mom always talks about divorce whenever she gets angry when i honestly want her to do it. it's not like she's losing anything. she's always hated being married to my dad because he never works.
some days it feels like my brain's shutting down because i can't stop thinking about how worthless i feel to everyone. i'm not very helpful at all and i just seem to depress people sometimes. i think of ctb intrusively because i don't want to burden my parents anymore and i don't want people to think i'm stupid or melodramatic anymore. the longer i live the more i seem to disappoint my parents. by that logic, i should've died younger than waited this long to do it. i was cheating throughout all of high school. it's not like my life has been going anywhere. i feel like a slug pretending to be human. i don't know anything about hard work and i'm not grateful for anything i have in my life. i must deserve to die if i don't appreciate anything. isn't that the logic people tell teens when they talk about suicide? i don't care that i was born if my parents find me too burdensome. they wanted someone like them to exist, not someone like me. i'm doing everything wrong.
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