Does it give you strength to live on knowing there is an exit?

[noname223]

I have watched documentaries about assisted suicide and other news articles about this topic. And I think even some psychologists acknowledge that it can be a relief for people with chronic treatment-resistent depression/pain/suicidality knowing there is an exit.

I can remember a documentary about a severly mentally ill woman in Belgium. She said she knows if she does not get assisted suicide she will commit suicide one day on her own. I could relate a lot to that woman. I am now suicidal for almost 10 years with 2 little breaks and I think either I can die in dignity or I have to do it in an undignified way. I really hope for a new assisted suicide law. I do not want to do something illegal or traumatizing a train driver.

The question is not whether I commit suicide the question is how and when.

Knowing there is an exit helps me to cope with my current situation. And it is sometimes comforting to know that something can liberate me from this consciousness that is like a prison for me.
I have heard many people with a lot of pain who said: Knowing to have an exit helps them to live on. Otherwise they would not have the strength of keep fighting.
I can relate to the last part (fighting). Though I do not feel gaining a lot of strength for it. It is more the desperation that keeps me going.

I think so much about suicide. This really changes a human being. I am so scared. I am so extremely scared about everything. I do not want that this goes on for many more decades. Though it is clear for me it will get way worse instead of better. I cannot solve my problems. And the consequences approach me while the ime is passing more and more.

I listen a lot to Linkin Park lately. It reminds me of all the interviews of Chester. I felt they were like a cry for help. I can relate a lot to his music and to what he said in these interviews.

There is so much panic and anxiety inside myself. It is hard to cope with. I do not know how I am doing this since such a long time.

"How odd I can have all this inside me and to you it's just words." (This shall not minimize your pain just showing a particular existential loneliness. At least I think so.)
(The quote is not from Chester Bennington, it is from David Foster Wallace)

 

[Rational man]

Yes it does because I live in pain physically due to cronic physical illness. I dont want to die because im still fairly young a nd my mind is sane. When drs caannot do anything, the illness grinds you down into despairing depression. Ive seen drs cry because they could do nothing for patients. I draw strength from the fact that I have a choice of assisted dying to end the pain for me and those around me. I have control a nd dignity which is often lost in the dying process. I suppose the congress lady who is seeking legal advice against us may not seek to understand what im going through but where I live in England, we have freedom of speech, and i dont fear retribution because of it.

 

[Hirokami]

It does, yes. I have trauma I cannot get over, along with crippling anxiety and depression I have to live with for the rest of my life (if I choose to live, that is). I'm tired of living my life in defense mode and not trusting even myself, let alone others. I'm tired waking up every morning to either a fast heartbeat or wanting to die. Or both. The fact that there's an escape from constant mental torture is satisfying. I just wish other people saw it that way.

 

[nopointofliving]

It helps a lot

 

[uselesswaste]

I hate having hope that my life will get better, but I can't help myself but have hope at the same time feel suicidal.

Knowing there is an exit helps me to cope with my current situation. And it is sometimes comforting to know that something can liberate me from this consciousness that is like a prison for me

I have exactly felt the same comfort.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Ironically , yes

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Not much strength. A vague and hazy destination.

 

[Crazy4u]

yes absolutely. It helps with my anxiety. I feel more empowered

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Well at first it helped but that was when suicide was still a vague fantasy in my mind. But now that it has finally become reality I am not sure how to feel. I have had previous attempts before but thinking back they were more trial runs than real attempts.

The truth is I don't want to ctb and I hate the fact that I am driven to this point in the first place. But realistically I have no other options left at this point. It is really hard to describe in words how I feel but the best approximation is reluctant resignation.

 

[noname223]

Well at first it helped but that was when suicide was still a vague fantasy in my mind. But now that it has finally become reality I am not sure how to feel. I have had previous attempts before but thinking back they were more trial runs than real attempts.

The truth is I don't want to ctb and I hate the fact that I am driven to this point in the first place. But realistically I have no other options left at this point. It is really hard to describe in words how I feel but the best approximation is reluctant resignation.

I can relate so much. If I had a better choice than ctb I would do this instead. I tried A LOT to recover. For me it is for now still a vague fantasy.
But my problems just won't get solved. I tried it so fucking hard. I had so desperate and miserable attempts to get better.
LIfe has spitten in my face instead.

I can remeber I once was in an instution where I should get help to work again. And this old dude made fun of us. It was so horrible. My mom was with me and we both collapsed/cried during the appoinment with him. He treated us like dirt. No joke this man so disgusting.
I even said to him if you treat me like that I can kill myself instead. And he even made fun of that and said something if you say something like that you also must do it.
Afterwards we could not believed how this man has treated us. My mom told me if she was not with me she would not have believed it.

 

[Julgran]

Knowing there is an exit helps me to cope with my current situation. And it is sometimes comforting to know that something can liberate me from this consciousness that is like a prison for me.

Yes, indeed, sir/mam! The end to life is the beginning of freedom from suffering.

The fact that there's an escape from constant mental torture is satisfying. I just wish other people saw it that way.

You are in good company

The truth is I don't want to ctb and I hate the fact that I am driven to this point in the first place. But realistically I have no other options left at this point. It is really hard to describe in words how I feel but the best approximation is reluctant resignation.

It sounds like you are at your wit's end, and I'm sorry for your sake

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I can relate so much. If I had a better choice than ctb I would do this instead. I tried A LOT to recover. For me it is for now still a vague fantasy.
But my problems just won't get solved. I tried it so fucking hard. I had so desperate and miserable attempts to get better.
LIfe has spitten in my face instead.

Yeah at some point you have to face the music. I do think it is worth exploring all options before ctb. Only you can decide when the time is right, if such a thing even exists.

The thought of suicide can be very comforting when it is still just a vague fantasy. It provides a convenient escape from reality. When I was researching and planning out my suicide I was actually kind of excited. Now that all the preparations are complete I am starting to feel extremely detached from reality.

It has been a long journey to this point and I have experienced the full gamut of emotions. But I think I am just done with life by this point. I am sick of living. I thought to myself what would make me stay and I can't come up with an answer. Nothing matters to me anymore. I just want to stop existing.

 

[Snake of Eden]

It used to. Not so much lately. The novelty of possessing a peaceful method is starting to wear out. Thats while coinciding with the end of the year where I was sure to be gone by now but feeling like I am letting myself down by growing too comfortable in my own misery

 

[eternalmelancholy]

It used to. Not so much lately. The novelty of possessing a peaceful method is starting to wear out. Thats while coinciding with the end of the year where I was sure to be gone by now but feeling like I am letting myself down by growing too comfortable in my own misery

Yeah everyday I am still alive feels like I am betraying myself. I no longer have any excuses left. Even so, I am glad that I managed to secure my peaceful method while I still could.

 

[Marktheghost]

I don't know. I've had my sodium nitrite for a year now, and still haven't used it. Is that evidence that knowing there's an exit is helping me to keep going?

I still honestly don't know what's holding me back from killing myself. I was nowhere near as hesitant when I used an unreliable method!

The problem with hope is, if I didn't spend time thinking happy thoughts about what nice things could happen to me, I'd be even more miserable, so stopping thinking about them and just assuming they're never going to happen, to give myself that bit more incentive to kill myself or whatever, might not be a good idea (if that makes sense).

 

[NormaJeane]

The oldest man in the world lived 146 years and life expectancy increases in most countries. Healthcare keeps us alive longer than previous generations. Our laws are based on prolonging human life. Research claims that humans can live forever and there are scientists who want to make humans immortal to be able to travel long distances in the universe. It seems like the trend is towards that humans will not exit. But I think it is terrible to die of old age - the worst death.
Science: Humans can live forever

 

[GentleJerk]

It provides some comfort that exceeds suffering greatly with no options. But doesn't get rid of the fear and misery of still having to die! If I could just not die that would be great, thanks!

 

[SofterSoftest]

In my situation, I am delaying getting SN because I have a significant other who cares about me. If I were able to just talk to him about how I feel honestly, and not have to hide a stash of SN away from him as 'back-up', I think I'd feel motivated to go on. I've tried opening up about my suicidal feelings to him, and he always says that it's temporary and it's because my life has been hard the last few years. I literally know I will feel this way the rest of my life because I have felt this way since I was very young. I also do feel for him in a way though - it is hard being with someone who tells you they want to die. It doesn't surprise me that he tries to block out things I try to tell him.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, in my case I lack a peaceful/reliable way to exit. I have a fear of failure and it makes me feel trapped. This just causes me more dread. I think if I had a peaceful way to exit, it would comfort me and make me feel more calm. I do think knowing that death will come no matter what is a little bit of a relief but however it does not ease my suffering that much as I could potentially have decades left.

 

[roadki11]

I relate so much to that feeling of fear. I am so scared of having to live for decades more. I already wait out each day trying to pass the time as quickly as possible, but it drags. If I'm being honest, I think my worst fear is life.

Knowing there is an end and that— most importantly— I'm in control of it would help. It's that feeling of having no control over the passage of time that fills me with dread. I feel trapped by it and I want to be set free.

 

[eternalpeace]

Yes. Every morning, I wake up and think "oh f***, this again? Ugh. I just went through this BS yesterday". Then I rehearse my suicide plan in my head, and tell myself that I will get to the end soon.

I saw the same documentary about the young woman in Belgium. I love how, when she finally got her approval for assisted dying, she had such peace in knowing that she could access a reliable, painless method that she found the strength to keep living for the time-being.

If I had that kind of security, I might be willing to give it another year, maybe even more. (Instead I live in constant fear that my supplies will "expire" or that someone will find them and take them, or that the method will fail and the longer I wait, the worse my physical condition will be and some options might be off the table due to being too physically demanding, etc).

It might seem odd, but guaranteed access to a reliable, relatively peaceful method (especially one with the assistance of Drs, and the option of a proper goodbye to the few who care about me), would greatly enhance my quality of life. And by "enhance", I suppose I really mean "create", because my quality of life is zero now.

 

[Salkak]

Kind of. Only thing that calms me these days is thinking about dying but the thought of how my suicide would affect my loved ones scares me. Wish there was a way to make suicide appear like accident

 

[Ligottian]

In my case, most definitely yes. My anxiety and overall distress level would be exponentially worse if I did not have a reliable exit. I think Emil Cioran once said something like if he didn't know he could leave at any time he would have killed himself years ago.

 

[OceanSpray]

Yes. Having the means to a relatively peaceful exit has helped me continue living, even when things are terrible, because I know that I have the control to end things if they ever become truly unbearable.

 

[foroya]

I'm always quite anxious about not having a plan B and for years life seemed to me just some random gambling on things and then seeing how it will turn out due to a plethora of uncontrollable factors that affect your life daily. As soon as I've discovered some mostly or completely peaceful ways to quit, I I felt like quality of my life has actually improved. I'm not afraid of shit hitting the fan anymore. I always have my Plan B.

 

[Ta555]

I have watched documentaries about assisted suicide and other news articles about this topic. And I think even some psychologists acknowledge that it can be a relief for people with chronic treatment-resistent depression/pain/suicidality knowing there is an exit.

I can remember a documentary about a severly mentally ill woman in Belgium. She said she knows if she does not get assisted suicide she will commit suicide one day on her own. I could relate a lot to that woman. I am now suicidal for almost 10 years with 2 little breaks and I think either I can die in dignity or I have to do it in an undignified way. I really hope for a new assisted suicide law. I do not want to do something illegal or traumatizing a train driver.

The question is not whether I commit suicide the question is how and when.

Knowing there is an exit helps me to cope with my current situation. And it is sometimes comforting to know that something can liberate me from this consciousness that is like a prison for me.
I have heard many people with a lot of pain who said: Knowing to have an exit helps them to live on. Otherwise they would not have the strength of keep fighting.
I can relate to the last part (fighting). Though I do not feel gaining a lot of strength for it. It is more the desperation that keeps me going.

I think so much about suicide. This really changes a human being. I am so scared. I am so extremely scared about everything. I do not want that this goes on for many more decades. Though it is clear for me it will get way worse instead of better. I cannot solve my problems. And the consequences approach me while the ime is passing more and more.

I listen a lot to Linkin Park lately. It reminds me of all the interviews of Chester. I felt they were like a cry for help. I can relate a lot to his music and to what he said in these interviews.

There is so much panic and anxiety inside myself. It is hard to cope with. I do not know how I am doing this since such a long time.

"How odd I can have all this inside me and to you it's just words." (This shall not minimize your pain just showing a particular existential loneliness. At least I think so.)
(The quote is not from Chester Bennington, it is from David Foster Wallace)

No, not anymore because the longer I'm on this site the more I start to doubt every method and get scared about failure the more I read here. No method seems like a reliable exit anymore. At first this site was a relief but now reading people's worries and fears about ending up as vegetables creates more stress. But I like the welcoming community here and the kindness of people here

 

[LADY007]

The fact that l have my nitrogen tank and hood all set up in the basement is hugely calming for me. If I didn't have it.. the lack of controlling my future would deem me highly anxious 24 hours a day.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

I agree it is empowering to know how to exit successfully

 

[samsaragothands]

yeah!! funnily enough it's giving me purpose right now— i'm applying for a new job currently so i can save up for N lmao

 

[idiotstillwantstodie]

It does give me relief. Strength to live? On the contrary. It gives me strength to die.

I dont think people who are not in terrible pain need any strength to live. Even when you dont have a spine you can always slither your way into the next day.