I feel the same way a lot of the time. I see others speak about the future, their hopes, dreams, and plans, and I listen to the person I love telling me how things are going to get better and that I should focus on the here and now because we are together and he loves me, and there is such a surreal poignant tragedy to it all.
The world around me seems unwilling to accept my fate. They talk about the future as if I would be around to witness these events, unknowing that I am planning my ctb as we speak. I am determined to get that bus ticket and take my final ride into that sweet night. It will be bittersweet though, because like you all, I have become more in tune with both the beautiful and the gruesome sides of life since I made my decision to leave it behind.
I've made good friends, mostly online, that I will cherish until my final moments, even the ones who are no longer around. I have felt love and care, just as easily as I have lost it. I have had the chance to explore a bit of the world and experience living in different countries. I have learned many things and gotten to study a lot of interesting science as well as language and philosophy.
So getting to do most of those things before I became very ill was quite lucky, I think. I can only wish that assisted dying was legal and I could spend my final moments with my partner before I receive euthanasia, my last days not spent in secrecy and suffering, but being ensconced in love, good food, and honest sentiments.
Sadly, that will not happen during my lifetime, and I'll have to die scared and alone in a hotel, not getting to experience those things that I love one last time.