I don't even really know my family that well. They don't tell me everything. People seem walled off. Even a lot of people are blind to who they are truly. It's strange to want connection but only limited connection is available. It's strange to live a long life and not know why you do what you do.
As someone who has a family that's completely walled off, I understand exactly what you mean. It's not strange to want genuine connections despite the fact that it's mostly improbable. If there's something that gets me through the day.. most human beings are not very complex.. we're all just people you know?.. Deep connections are not real just as long as we know the general idea of the person that's about as deep as it is. Personally from my experiences there are things my family won't tell me that they know would impact me but yet I picture if they did, even if it would be something that would make me even move out of the country, I'd take it as it's just a fact it's like everything else.. Not much would change in regards to my perception of them, who they are, or my closeness to the person, even if they're purposely hiding things from me.
I may not feel close to my family personally but I understand their general basis as humans and that's enough. There's really no true "genuine connections" with people because people will always be the same in your eyes no matter how close you get with them. I'm currently engaged to a man who won't tell me things, things he even tells his friends, things like his own medical condition that will physically affect our future as he's practically dying and being stalled with medicines up until his surgery dates. Do I know what he needs? No. Will I ever truly feel connected? No, and best of all that's the man I plan to marry. I always question why I'm doing the things I'm doing for a man who isn't even all that close to me.
Take it this way, as someone who doesn't feel connected to anyone but at the same time does, even if deep connections aren't truly real, your future and what you're doing is still serving a purpose, even to the people who aren't "connected" to you truly. Is the fact a little sad?.. yes.. but we can cherish the small things that we do understand about the people around us.. I don't know if this helps but simply by reading my text and knowing I have an account on here, you know more than my own family or fiancé know, you may not know everything about me, but you know something extremely deep, this account is my whole life plan practically and not even the people in my life know it. It's my deepest secret yet a complete stranger has more access to it than anyone else in my life does. Humans are complex, you may have just learned the most deepest connection a person could have with me and we don't even know each other. I don't think you'd feel that closeness even if we were long time friends. We're all humans. Closeness may seem extremely important as it's what makes us certain of the people around us, but I promise you're not missing out on anything. I would say the only closeness that truly matters is the understanding of oneself. Do things for you, because at the end of the day you'll truly know that the connection is real. No matter what goes on in your life, one constant will always be that as long as you're alive, you have you. You say there are people who are blind to themselves, I'm actually one of those people. I work towards understanding myself even if I don't like all aspects. The strongest connection anyone could have is within oneself, and at least with that connection you know it's certain because you know your own thoughts and aspects, there's no lying there. Even if you don't achieve that connection with yourself, life is life. We're all just people trying to get by including yourself. No matter how close you get to anyone, things will feel the same, you don't deserve to have to worry and overthink about such things when in the end things will be the same no matter what.. Take closure in the fact that your self awareness has to be very high to post such a comment as you said earlier. That alone makes you a very deep person. Your connection with yourself and the world is already very strong to recognize such behaviors as earlier.
