Does having your method in your possession change things?

[ablmnop]

I am really not in a good place and I don't really know what to do. I have a young kid. He's 17 months old. He's amazing and beautiful and I love him to pieces.

I also have pretty crippling depression, awful anxiety, and now some pretty significant OCD around toxins and contamination. When I got pregnant with him, I became hyper-aware of things like lead in paint, and the fear of it has consumed me ever since. We now live in an old house that is in need of repair and crumbling, and I can't shake the feeling that I'm poisoning my son with lead (and asbestos, which we also have). This OCD + depression + anxiety has destroyed me, my husband, and my marriage. I'm reminded constantly of all of the ways it's hurting my husband and my family.

I was never super mentally healthy, but now I'm like a husk of a person. I'm empty, I'm alone, no one understands my concerns, and I'm actively in the way of my son having a beautiful life.

I try though. I know I shouldn't kill myself. I found this site a while ago and discovered SN, which is what I came here to find out about. I went to IC, I put SN in my shopping cart, and it stayed there. That night, my son couldn't sleep, and woke up crying. I went in his room and picked him up (which I don't usually do), I held him till he slept and thought "this kid needs a mother". But then, as always, in the following weeks I'm reminded that I'm not good for him.

I keep going back and putting SN in my shopping cart and then walking away. I'm scared that if I have it, I'll use it. I don't know.

Those who have SN or N or whatever it is you want to use in your possession, do you find it's making it easier for you to use? I mean maybe that's a dumb question, I don't know anymore.

 

[western_heart]

for some, having a method gives comfort and feelings of control

for me, I have SN and get tempted to use it sometimes. I opened it and measured a glass once...
its presence in my home is a liability, but so is my desire to obtain a method if I don't have one...
it's hard to know which is worse

 

[Carlotta16]

for some, having a method gives comfort and feelings of control

for me, I have SN and get tempted to use it sometimes. I opened it and measured a glass once...
its presence in my home is a liability, but so is my desire to obtain a method if I don't have one...
it's hard to know which is worse

I completely agree with this I was desperate before I got SN but now I have it I have so many doubts
I think it's because people make out that ctb is a huge thing and I think that is scaring me

 

[ablmnop]

Is there any chance it really does disappear? I feel a bit better just knowing it's there ready to buy if I need it...

 

[hungry_ghost]

Not at all. I have a firearm in my house, but it's probably the last thing I'd actually want to use on myself.

Just too brutal, and actually really risky.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

If i had one of my 2 preferred methods in my possession right now, I would have attempted by now.

 

[Mental_Pain]

It's brought my CTB closer. I thought I would receive my SN next week but it turned up this morning. Now I have it I'm thinking I should use it tomorrow.

It's making me a bit nervous as everything was planned for next week and I do not want to be accidentally found. I live on my own but I have friends who tend to visit (although the most likely one is away in Monaco, race engineer).

I also don't want him to be interrupted if I was found. My friend really enjoys his work and I would prefer that he finds out after he returns.

I guess it depends on how you feel. I've had a really bad day.

 

[Dontwantcantwant96]

I am really not in a good place and I don't really know what to do. I have a young kid. He's 17 months old. He's amazing and beautiful and I love him to pieces.

I also have pretty crippling depression, awful anxiety, and now some pretty significant OCD around toxins and contamination. When I got pregnant with him, I became hyper-aware of things like lead in paint, and the fear of it has consumed me ever since. We now live in an old house that is in need of repair and crumbling, and I can't shake the feeling that I'm poisoning my son with lead (and asbestos, which we also have). This OCD + depression + anxiety has destroyed me, my husband, and my marriage. I'm reminded constantly of all of the ways it's hurting my husband and my family.

I was never super mentally healthy, but now I'm like a husk of a person. I'm empty, I'm alone, no one understands my concerns, and I'm actively in the way of my son having a beautiful life.

I try though. I know I shouldn't kill myself. I found this site a while ago and discovered SN, which is what I came here to find out about. I went to IC, I put SN in my shopping cart, and it stayed there. That night, my son couldn't sleep, and woke up crying. I went in his room and picked him up (which I don't usually do), I held him till he slept and thought "this kid needs a mother". But then, as always, in the following weeks I'm reminded that I'm not good for him.

I keep going back and putting SN in my shopping cart and then walking away. I'm scared that if I have it, I'll use it. I don't know.

Those who have SN or N or whatever it is you want to use in your possession, do you find it's making it easier for you to use? I mean maybe that's a dumb question, I don't know anymore.

This breaks my heart (not in a don't do it kind of way) but honestly I think people that can pin point why they're not good for their kids in a weird way are good for their kids cause they've identified it. This is coming from someone who has a parent who is certain they are the best parent any kid could ask for when in actual fact they have countless things that make them a terrible parent but they're not emotionally mature enough to realise. I'm not going to say don't do this for the sake of your child that's your decision to make and what ever you decide will be the best decision for you. But I want to give you some credit in that the fact you're emotionally mature enough to notice that there may be some elements of yourself that might not be the best for your child probably makes you an incredible mother in other ways. I wish my own would realise and understand her own flaws and issues and maybe things could have been different. Please don't take any of this the wrong way, I believe that no matter who is dependent on someone you still have to put your own wishes first to an extent.

But in answer to your question I have recently switched methods and this week I'll be in possession of something that will provide me with my way out, I'm unsure how I feel about it. Maybe a sense of security I guess that I have a fall back

 

[outrider567]

Yes, it was a great relief when my Nitrogen Tank finally came--Set-up was easy--Now I know that I can CTB at any time day or night if it comes to that

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry you are suffering with all this. It feels like a very anxious place to be.

I'm no expert at all with stuff like this but I kind of have the idea that the toxins in paint and asbestos mainly become a problem when they are disturbed eg. sanded or drilled into- not so much when they are left be.

I wonder whether you could get advise from a professional- just to try and ease your worrying a little on this? I wonder if there are relatively cheap ways to seal the walls etc with fresh non toxic paint if you are worried about the surfaces deteriorating?

Don't know. I know it's only one aspect of the things that are troubling you but sometimes it helps to feel we are taking action against the things we fear the most. I fear fire, so I went through a phase of buying all sorts of fire blankets, mini extinguishers and alarms. Lol.

I find it heartbreaking when people feel like they're not good enough for their families. I don't want to lay loads of guilt on you- the same as other people have said- ultimately, it's all our own choices whether we choose to stay or leave. Still, I would say that depression etc. most likely distorts our view on ourselves and our abilities. It's quite possible that you are a very good, loving and caring Mum that is struggling but doing the best she can. I wish you all the best.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

Hey mama! I understand the OCD and feeling like you aren't doing enough for your kid because of external conditions and I am so sorry you are feeling that way<3 I currently have had SN for quite some time but haven't used it, only blood tested it. It definitely has made me feel safer having it and not as trapped but I also haven't considered using it. You explained it perfectly, "this kid needs a mother, but then, as always, in the following weeks I'm reminded I'm not good for him" and it's just a constant circle that gets so tiring. Be safe and yes, he does need a mama but you need to do what you feel is best.

 

[wljourney]

I am really sorry you are going in circles and it seems to be eating you up from the inside.

To your question:
(Disclaimer: This is very, very different for every single person)
For me, having N and SN available means I have reclaimed a little bit of autonomy and power over my own situation.
I feel a little less vulnerable because I have options without relying on someone else.
Suicidal ideations have decreased a little. When they do flare up i know that I COULD and that's sufficient.
For now.
I can't promise that will stay this way and having a method readily available is usually considered "high risk" by healthcare providers.

 

[ablmnop]

Thanks everyone. The reassurance, even from strangers, in this space is really helpful. I feel like I can't talk about this anywhere without getting villified, especially as a mom. It's been really really tough. You want to do right by your kids, but what that even means gets so blurry.

 

[may13]

It's comforting. Like a warm weighted blanket.

 

[NobodyKnowsMe]

I've been bouncing in and out of my super depressive states, so at any given moment I'm not necessarily suicidal. I do finally have SN and it is a bit comforting knowing that if things get really, really bad again and stay bad, I have my out. My preference though is N, though I'm not sure I'll actually be able to convince myself to put out the money for it until I hit one of my really bad periods again.

 

[fillthevoid]

If you think you're not good for him now, bare in mind that you're definitely going to be even worse for him when you're dead. I'm sorry to be so blunt. But I knew someone who's mother committed suicide by hanging when he was very young. He appeared happy all his life, had friends, a girlfriend, a good job, had it all, his whole life ahead of him. He was 18. He father and step mother received a call to say he had hung himself when they were on holiday. There was no paper trail leading to it. No internet history. No communication about any problems with anyone.. no indication about why he may have done it. He never spoke to anyone about any problems. The only viable conclusion is that he was still harbouring pain from the loss of his mother all this time. Maybe he wanted to make sense of what she did, and didn't actually intend to die. Who knows. But the point is, it stuck with him and ending up killing him.

Your son will always be better with you in his life. You might have OCD and all these problems but it does sound like you provide him genuine love. And that is the most important thing you can give your child and a mother's love and how that sets a person up for life is very very special.

It's upto you to do what you think is better. It's your life. I just don't want you to be disillusioned that you're doing him a favour by being dead. Because, and whilst I appreciate I don't know you or know anyone of your life other than a tiny snippit you've shared here, that is most likely not the case that he would be better off without you.

 

[ablmnop]

If you think you're not good for him now, bare in mind that you're definitely going to be even worse for him when you're dead. I'm sorry to be so blunt. But I knew someone who's mother committed suicide by hanging when he was very young. He appeared happy all his life, had friends, a girlfriend, a good job, had it all, his whole life ahead of him. He was 18. He father and step mother received a call to say he had hung himself when they were on holiday. There was no paper trail leading to it. No internet history. No communication about any problems with anyone.. no indication about why he may have done it. He never spoke to anyone about any problems. The only viable conclusion is that he was still harbouring pain from the loss of his mother all this time. Maybe he wanted to make sense of what she did, and didn't actually intend to die. Who knows. But the point is, it stuck with him and ending up killing him.

Your son will always be better with you in his life. You might have OCD and all these problems but it does sound like you provide him genuine love. And that is the most important thing you can give your child and a mother's love and how that sets a person up for life is very very special.

It's upto you to do what you think is better. It's your life. I just don't want you to be disillusioned that you're doing him a favour by being dead. Because, and whilst I appreciate I don't know you or know anyone of your life other than a tiny snippit you've shared here, that is most likely not the case that he would be better off without you.

No worries, I appreciate the bluntness and I don't disagree. (Though I think that many ppl will destroy ppl by killing themselves, most more than they realize). I just don't know how to keep putting one foot in front of the other for him. I want someone to hold my hand and tell me wtf I'm supposed to do to not want to kill myself anymore. I feel like I'm actively fighting this urge every waking moment. It's so tiring and it feels like I'm doing it for him and yet still, the mom he gets is subpar. I'm just venting I guess.

 

[Imissyoumydarling]

I have SN on the way in the mail, and it's helped me feel calmer... But only because I have a purpose and date set out with it. I intend to use it. I would never risk owning it if I was on the fence, because that would tip me over. Oddly, this is not my lowest despite planning to leave soon.

However... With what you're saying about how your son deserves a better mother.... Darling I'm not a prolifer at all, and your choice is your own. BUT there was a point at my lowest a few years ago when I was rocking on the bedroom floor (was trapped at the time in a physically abusive relationship with someone who was actively destroying my career, friendships and trying to blackmail me) having a panic attack and suddenly a switch went off in my mind and I heard my voice, the strongest it's ever been, say to me in my head "if they won't love you then I will".

I can't explain it. It was just absolute certainty. If no one else will love you then I will. If no one else will fix me then I will. I got up off the floor. Spent the next few days taking care of myself. Eventually escaped.

I read later an article that talks about addicts and abuse victims... It said that there is always a singular point in their life where they decide enough is enough. Like obviously no one WANTS to be an addict or victim and they always want to be clean or safe... But there is a very precise moment at your very lowest where something changes and you decide enough is enough and something will change. It could be suicide, or it could be help, or it could be wanting to be the mother you want your son to have.

I'm sorry for how messed up you feel, and what's going on with your family. OCD is awful. I think you should do what is right for you, even if that is to end your life. But reading that story you told of your son and how compassionate your words are... I get the feeling that you're still capable of more than you feel.

Again, I'm not a prolifer. I'm going to be dead in a month. But your words sound very considerate and I don't think you should order SN until you're absolutely certain.

 

[VapeAway]

I got SN and it makes me want to ctb even more now. There were times when I wanted to take it on impulse, but I won't do it. I thought that having SN would make me calmer, but it's not.

 

[Ta555]

It makes me fight to live through another day because when things get real bad I'm like that's fine...I'm only an 8 hour fast away from peace. Like having it there, knowing I can use it whenever definitely gives peace of mind and helps keep going. I don't have children though so can't comment on how that would complicate things, sorry :(

 

[CasperGhost]

I was ecstatic, comforted and relieved when I first got it but the feelings wore off. It's because I have moments where I feel ctb is the only escape. I'm very impulsive and if I have a bad moment I might ctb with it.

Sometimes, I've thought to myself that since I have SN; I can keep living. If I can't handle life; I can just say "fuck it!" and leave almost anytime I want to. So; unless I feel that there is no return and I'm royally fucked- I can continue another day.

My dad ctb when I was 11. He was more than good enough to me; I'd want him to know that.

 

[its-about-time]

Honestly, yes, having SN in my possession has 100% changed things for me. But not necessarily always for the better.

Since I discovered SN and received my order- Often times I feel extremely present and excited by little things in life, because I feel like I'll die soon and it's prompted me to enjoy things more I guess. Sounds cheesy but it's true. But then, after a rather good day, I sit on the couch and seriously contemplate taking my SN. And of course, the bad days lead straight to that contemplation too.

Lately, having such a good day makes me want to take it more than having had a bad day. Seems like the only days that escape the hours of deliberating each night are really monotonous days where I just go through the motions and get cozy in bed before remembering I could've killed myself today, ha.

But my point is— while it has helped me to have a method in my possession, I also think it's a huge risk to me. I mean risk of killing myself when I otherwise would've chosen not to. My plan relied on that impulsivity when I bought the SN. Things have happened and there's now a little (rather, inconsistent) willingness to keep trying, paired with zero willingness to get rid of my SN. For lack of a better term, I'm keeping myself in a kind of dangerous situation, and I know sooner or later I'll have to figure out what to do. I'm just not there yet.

You want my advice? Don't buy it. I don't care that we're on this site and I'm saying that. Yes I am pro-choice. But more so I am pro- keeping yourself safe when you're still trying to hold on. You are trying to hold on, and for good reason. So keep yourself safe and don't keep lethal means in your home.

 

[Fengshuiside]

I've strated to get a calm feeling, now that I know how Im ending my life with everything ready to set up. Hopefully I'll end it all this weekend.

 

[GongLiFang]

I am really not in a good place and I don't really know what to do. I have a young kid. He's 17 months old. He's amazing and beautiful and I love him to pieces.

I also have pretty crippling depression, awful anxiety, and now some pretty significant OCD around toxins and contamination. When I got pregnant with him, I became hyper-aware of things like lead in paint, and the fear of it has consumed me ever since. We now live in an old house that is in need of repair and crumbling, and I can't shake the feeling that I'm poisoning my son with lead (and asbestos, which we also have). This OCD + depression + anxiety has destroyed me, my husband, and my marriage. I'm reminded constantly of all of the ways it's hurting my husband and my family.

I was never super mentally healthy, but now I'm like a husk of a person. I'm empty, I'm alone, no one understands my concerns, and I'm actively in the way of my son having a beautiful life.

I try though. I know I shouldn't kill myself. I found this site a while ago and discovered SN, which is what I came here to find out about. I went to IC, I put SN in my shopping cart, and it stayed there. That night, my son couldn't sleep, and woke up crying. I went in his room and picked him up (which I don't usually do), I held him till he slept and thought "this kid needs a mother". But then, as always, in the following weeks I'm reminded that I'm not good for him.

I keep going back and putting SN in my shopping cart and then walking away. I'm scared that if I have it, I'll use it. I don't know.

Those who have SN or N or whatever it is you want to use in your possession, do you find it's making it easier for you to use? I mean maybe that's a dumb question, I don't know anymore.

Firstly, I can't remember where but there was a study or something that came with the findings that even if the biological parent is decent (not amazing, not the best thing ever, just trying their best) it will be helpful to the child. So, I hope you don't give this guilt too much power, many parents in this world were not the best people when they had the kids but over time they grew into it. As long as no abuse is involved I hope that you can see you are fine and with that knowledge seek help for your own well being.
That being said, I am generally supportive of pro-choice on CTB so whatever you choose I support, if you desire peace in death I understand and stand with you on that. I just don't want you to get completely lost to doubt that might not always hold the most truth.

As for what it is like when you actually have the method, I know for me when I got my SN it didn't actually effect my commitment to my decision but I just no longer felt the anxiety of not having the option. I spent many many months just wanting the option to be there if shit hit the fan and when that package arrived I felt elated and free for the first time ever. Also, since I did lots of reading on SN attempts I didn't feel the temptation to use it randomly because I knew if I didn't fast or have an antiemetic my risks of just throwing up/failing are greatly increased so I was afraid of using it impulsively.
Anyways, to put it briefly it didn't change things, I was really committed and researched by the time I went through the effort and cost of getting all the ingredients for SN so it didn't push me to the edge. It only brought me peace of mind that life was quite literally in my hands at that point and nobody could stop me.

Anyways, whatever happens I support you and I wish you can find a way out of your current struggles and hardship, having OCD, anxiety, and depression are tough and I am in your corner. I wish you can choose the path you need. And if anything, if you do go through with purchasing SN you can always back out at any time. I have read attempts where people just stopped drinking and called for help and were able to make recovery so your life is your decision and you don't need to fear that.

 

[SelfHatingAspie]

As counterintuitive as it sounds, having all the equipment I need for my preferred ctb method is reassuring. Having enough gear to choose from 3 or 4 different methods adds extra comfort, even if some methods are less desirable than others.

I find this scene from Family Guy one of the most relatable things I've ever watched. Brian explains it way better than I ever could.

 

[lyles]

I've had my SN in my room for well over a month (months?) now. I just find comfort in knowing that I CAN leave whenever I choose. Others have said it before, but part of it is a feeling of finally having control. It is rather freeing. Although in your circumstances I am not sure that it would serve you as well. I'm sorry for how you are suffering.