Discussion Does getting better matter to you, anymore?

[Santana Idaho]

I'm in my mid-thirties, and I've wanted to die for as long as I can remember. I've wanted to kill myself since I first learned about it in elementary school. "Suicidal" is part of my identity at this point. "Recovery" doesn't exist because there is no "old me." There's no me prior to this version except for the one that had hope. And now she's gone, and here I am.

One of my past therapists asked me if making all of my dreams come true would change anything...whether crying into money was really better than crying into toilet paper... I waffled, but I ultimately thought it would make everything better. I'd always be depressed and anxious, but I'd have space, and food, and time. I'd have clothing and shelter. And a safe place to sleep. I could leisure and only do things I enjoyed. I could go to therapy. (A good one, this time.)

This year, I realized it wouldn't. I hate feeling like this, and money...friends...freedom...love...would ever make it better. At least I can't imagine it. When I think of these things, now, I can't feel them. I used to revel in my constant fantasies of a good life. That doesn't work anymore.

I'm almost at my deadline, and I hate that I feel the need to keep making them. They always pass, and it only adds to my self-hatred. Why, for the sweet release of death, do I still make impossible deadlines that I will fail to meet? Ruining my death with my terrible life habits.

For the past year and a half, I've felt that I'm not gonna make it for much longer than I have. And things keep getting worse.

I don't even know what "getting better" looks like.

 

[girl interrupted]

It doesn't matter to me anymore because I know it's not possible. My mental illness will never go away, no amount of pills, therapy, or coping skills. As I get older I get better at hiding it, but sometimes the pressure builds up and I snap. Lately I don't even feel like snapping, I just feel numb.

And it's not like my life is even bad right now for the most part. I have a steady job, I'm in a longterm relationship, I got a dog, I live on my own. None of it changes my state of mind. I'd rather obsess over my past and spiral. Even on my happiest days I'm still not truly happy.

 

[kopebaldy]

What's the point?

One step forward two steps back.

 

[beandigger404]

I've been like this for my entire life, for as long as I can remember. I tried so hard to fix the life that was given to me broken, but to no avail. I have a stable life and loving family and education; the only thing wrong is my fucking brain. Wasted potential. Even if I could, I don't deserve the get better.

 

[Doll Steak]

No, I don't care to truly get better. Maybe like feel happier better but not stopping my CTB thoughts better cause to do that I'd probably have to be doped up on a bunch of meds or something and I don't like the idea of that. I still would be open to trying it though maybe... After all I don't care anymore, CTB or Meds, either way I'll still die.

The only form of being absolutely truly better I can imagine was me being a little kid again like 4-12 years old, I was emotionally unstable but I had the bliss of just being a little weird kid. Of course that can't happen but I'm young enough to remember how those days felt, as if they were yesterday.

I get sad seeing that happy little guy that was me before all the mental pain took over, I wish I could give the little photos of me a hug. Something changed one day and now I'm this, I can't pin point it at all.

 

[jenson]

I would like to get better but I dont really see any options anymore. The last time I felt suicidal, a string of good things happened that changed my mind and I was more willing to ask for help. That hasn't happened this time.

 

[Hollowman]

No

 

[FuneralCry]

No because I'm not ill for wanting death rather existence is the problem, I don't see what is so ill about not wanting to suffer in this torturous, futile existence that just causes problems there were never a need for and suffering all for the sake of it with no limit as to how much one can be tortured.

I find it horrific how a human can be conscious in this existence for so long just to die in agony from old age, to me existing is just waiting to die and for me only non-existence is positive, I just wish for peace and I'll only be at peace in dreamless eternal sleep where I'm no longer burdened with this existence I always saw as a mistake that I never would had chosen.

 

[darksouls]

no
I have given up a long time ago

 

[moonlightbeach]

no, everything seems fake after my attempt
i think i already died mentally, im just living in a parallel universe where im still not dead physically. fucking weird feeling. i reincarnated but nothing matters anymore

 

[SmilingNoMore]

At the end of the day, that is the question to ask, I guess.

 

[cookiencream]

no, everything seems fake after my attempt
i think i already died mentally, im just living in a parallel universe where im still not dead physically. fucking weird feeling. i reincarnated but nothing matters anymore

This is how I feel after my most recent. I keep trying to get better because I think my body must have some reason to resist death but I keep reaffirming why I want to die. I'm trying one more time, maybe with drugs but after that I think I'll be done. I'm already dead mentally, my body just clings to existence because that's all it knows.

Even on my happiest days I'm still not truly happy.

Why do some of us get cursed with a fate like this while terrible people seem to love being alive. Life really does suck huh

 

[wham311]

There's no getting better

 

[moonlightbeach]

This is how I feel after my most recent. I keep trying to get better because I think my body must have some reason to resist death but I keep reaffirming why I want to die. I'm trying one more time, maybe with drugs but after that I think I'll be done. I'm already dead mentally, my body just clings to existence because that's all it knows.

Why do some of us get cursed with a fate like this while terrible people seem to love being alive. Life really does suck huh

sorry that happened. shoot me a DM if you want to talk or vent later,<3

 

[WeepingWorm]

Don't think so, no. I lost a gigantic chunk of my life, a very important one too. Can't go back now and be what I want. Don't have the same amount of time, health, motivation or social situation. Plus big health complications. After the same amount of time passes, I would be barely functioning physically, I imagine. And the world is getting much worse already, it's not pleasant to think about what it's going to be like.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

I have also wanted to CTB since I first discovered it as an option in elementary school. Even before learning about it, I wanted to just disappear.

There was a period where I thought getting better might make the feelings go away, because that's what I was always taught and I didn't think about it too hard. Now that I'm an adult and I have the freedom to choose to "get better", I realized that the effort isn't worth it (or is just impossible).