It doesn't matter to me anymore because I know it's not possible. My mental illness will never go away, no amount of pills, therapy, or coping skills. As I get older I get better at hiding it, but sometimes the pressure builds up and I snap. Lately I don't even feel like snapping, I just feel numb.
And it's not like my life is even bad right now for the most part. I have a steady job, I'm in a longterm relationship, I got a dog, I live on my own. None of it changes my state of mind. I'd rather obsess over my past and spiral. Even on my happiest days I'm still not truly happy.
When my mom started making me go to church every Sunday in middle school, I started getting really religious. Honestly, it was because Catholicism is ritualistic and has a banging aesthetic.
I would pray for only one thing -- happiness.
But now, I don't think I'd notice it if I felt it. Happiness for me is deep satisfaction with life. How could that person ever be me?
What's the point?
One step forward two steps back.
At the end of my fucking rope!
...Literally?
I've been like this for my entire life, for as long as I can remember. I tried so hard to fix the life that was given to me broken, but to no avail. I have a stable life and loving family and education; the only thing wrong is my fucking brain. Wasted potential. Even if I could, I don't deserve the get better.
I was born into a family that either didn't give a shit or were angry and hateful. 50/50. I was a huge asshole in high school because I finally had a friend group (of assholes), but I didn't know to care about being a good person...that doesn't make sense but it does with a thorough explanation of my life that no one I meet wants to hear.
No, I don't care to truly get better. Maybe like feel happier better but not stopping my CTB thoughts better cause to do that I'd probably have to be doped up on a bunch of meds or something and I don't like the idea of that. I still would be open to trying it though maybe... After all I don't care anymore, CTB or Meds, either way I'll still die.
The only form of being absolutely truly better I can imagine was me being a little kid again like 4-12 years old, I was emotionally unstable but I had the bliss of just being a little weird kid. Of course that can't happen but I'm young enough to remember how those days felt, as if they were yesterday.
I get sad seeing that happy little guy that was me before all the mental pain took over, I wish I could give the little photos of me a hug. Something changed one day and now I'm this, I can't pin point it at all.
I was abused and neglected my entire life. Still I was somehow "fun." My sister loves to reminisce about how I was at five/four/three when I would run around and cuss like my grandma. Then in the same discussion will laugh about how my car seat was non-functional when my mother would drive around. Not Matilda level, I heard, but too close for psychological comfort. I was sick, and I cried all the time. They just say I was a bad kid.
There's a song by Rina Sawayama that always makes me cry. Phantom. It's from her to her child self. The line that turns my wailing to 11 goes,
"I was wrong to assume
I would ever outgrow you
I need you now, I need you close
How do you hold a ghost?
Inner child, come back to me
I wanna tell you that I'm sorry, I'm sorry"
I believe in the idea that traumatized children mature faster. But specifically in wisdom. But we're childish is other ways such as how emotionally reactive we are. Personally, I prefer to support my childish need to be playful. I'm enjoying the part of myself where I want to color and do makeup and act and dance and sing and...but I don't do those things because I'm so stressed that I'm functionally frozen.
I would like to get better but I dont really see any options anymore. The last time I felt suicidal, a string of good things happened that changed my mind and I was more willing to ask for help. That hasn't happened this time.
I had hope after my grippy sock vacay for BED. I was in a supportive environment, and my group got really close to the providers because they were similar in age. After I left and went back home, my body realized before my conscious brain did that we were not gonna make it. Months after leaving was the first time I called the suicide hotline.
And I was just told to go to therapy.
Felt.
No because I'm not ill for wanting death rather existence is the problem, I don't see what is so ill about not wanting to suffer in this torturous, futile existence that just causes problems there were never a need for and suffering all for the sake of it with no limit as to how much one can be tortured.
I find it horrific how a human can be conscious in this existence for so long just to die in agony from old age, to me existing is just waiting to die and for me only non-existence is positive, I just wish for peace and I'll only be at peace in dreamless eternal sleep where I'm no longer burdened with this existence I always saw as a mistake that I never would had chosen.
I hate that I have to do things. Clean today, clean tomorrow. Shower today, shower tomorrow. Work your life away because some people have more power, and they want you to suffer so they can enjoy living.
I can't stand people who say that even though the world has bad, it also has good, so it is worth living in. No. James Bulger would give up mountain views to not have suffered the way he did. Junko Furuta. Even that dumbass who died in the Nutty Putty Cave. Tell them that sitting on a beach makes their suffering worth bearing.
no, everything seems fake after my attempt
i think i already died mentally, im just living in a parallel universe where im still not dead physically. fucking weird feeling. i reincarnated but nothing matters anymore
I've had many ideas for why I exist. I hate it. Now I have to deal with the decision to stop existing and the impossible concept of non-existence. I've thought that I'm a soul that is being punished with eternal reincarnation. I've thought that I'm a witness to human suffering for some cosmic reason. I've thought that I'm a stranded alien. I've thought that I'm a secret supernatural being. All my life, I've tried to rationalize something that can't be understood.
At the end of the day, that is the question to ask, I guess.
That I'm just now asking this question is a huge sign of where I am right now.
Don't think so, no. I lost a gigantic chunk of my life, a very important one too. Can't go back now and be what I want. Don't have the same amount of time, health, motivation or social situation. Plus big health complications. After the same amount of time passes, I would be barely functioning physically, I imagine. And the world is getting much worse already, it's not pleasant to think about what it's going to be like.
I did so much nothing in my twenties, that I don't remember it. "I don't remember my twenties," for most is because of too much fun. For me it was too much misery.
I have also wanted to CTB since I first discovered it as an option in elementary school. Even before learning about it, I wanted to just disappear.
There was a period where I thought getting better might make the feelings go away, because that's what I was always taught and I didn't think about it too hard. Now that I'm an adult and I have the freedom to choose to "get better", I realized that the effort isn't worth it (or is just impossible).
One of my earliest memories is feeling very strongly that I didn't want to grow up. I always knew that life was just a bunch of bullshit, and I didn't want to do it at all.
Im still at an impass with that i do wanna get better which since 2 years ago its been a hell of a journey but im better not in ota entirely but yeah.
But theres time im like: it doesnt matter anyway so why try.
But I do wanna try to live a good life. If I.lose everything than maybe I'll be in the point of no return. If these therapies doent work that yeah its over.
That's the process I went through over and over, and I just can't do it anymore. I still think, "When life gets too hard..." But this is pretty hard, and I'm not sure how much hard I can handle.
I don't think it's getting better for me because my condition is so bad and I've tried so many therapies (I've prayed God a lot too...) But when you have multiple diseases and constant pain, you just want to be free and in peace. Being in prison for 40 more years is not an option for me. I don't CTB for the moment because I hope I can die in my sleep as I have severe sleep apnea (but I know it won't happen, i've been unlucky all my life).
I've had multiple therapists who have just retraumatized me by treating me with CBT instead of being getting to know me and my trauma. Why do they insist on focusing on your week when the day to day of the week and the logistics of it aren't the problem?
Dr. Gregory House once said,
"You wake up in the morning, your paint's peeling, your curtains are gone and the water is boiling. Which problem do you deal with first? None of them! The building's on fire!"
I have sleep apnea, and one time I put my mask on so tight, I was having a vasovagal response. I was like damn, this is nice, but I'm not ready to go right now... My sex toys are still under my bed! And my bathroom is dirty! And my mom's gonna read my journal!
I had a thought while writing this about the idea that trauma makes children mature faster, and omg this fucking article
So, I'm elderly? Well, that's just too much toppings on my sundae (Sunday!)
