LonelyKitten
Seeking one final escape
- Aug 13, 2023
- 284
It's always been on my mind, considering I was suicidal since childhood.
I thought a lot about what my future could look like, and looking at my birth family for reference, life just looked to be more and more torturous the older you get.
I remember dreading every step along the way. 11? No, I don't want to be 11!
The further we moved up in classes, the more people left or got shifted away, and it made me sad, lonely.
Psychologically, I think I largely stopped when I was 16.
Traumatizing event ended up having me drop out of high school, and with that, my future as an adult was mostly fucked forever.
Some stuff happened, went somewhere else for a few years.
At that point, and while I was in that country, most of the time I actually magically forgot about my age, as if it never changed.
I know that I peaked in life when I was 23.
Now I'm 25 and a complete NEET, and no longer live in the place where I most of the time magically forgot about my age, as if it never changed.
Mentally I basically turned into an age-regressed child, but *I'm* 25 and left behind a history of failure.
My age fears are back full-force.
Being socially isolated and not moving forward in life makes it so much harder, because the solidarity of ageing alongside peers could have softened this experience.
You can't really maintain or make new connections when you stand still entirely.
My god, do I not want to see how much worse it gets from here over time.
What keeps me a tiny bit socially connected is the gains I made during my peak - but as we age, so does our stuff.
Once this technology breaks or becomes outdated, I can connect even less.
Add to that inflation I can't keep up with.
If I'm still a means-less NEET by like, 32?
All my connections will be long lost.
I'll be ten times more miserable, and probably just straight up insane from the loneliness at that point.
tl;dr, I am TERRIFIED of the loneliness ageing in bad circumstances brings with itself.
Dying now while I am slightly less alone sounds better in the long run, as unintuitive as it has kept feeling thanks to SI.
I thought a lot about what my future could look like, and looking at my birth family for reference, life just looked to be more and more torturous the older you get.
I remember dreading every step along the way. 11? No, I don't want to be 11!
The further we moved up in classes, the more people left or got shifted away, and it made me sad, lonely.
Psychologically, I think I largely stopped when I was 16.
Traumatizing event ended up having me drop out of high school, and with that, my future as an adult was mostly fucked forever.
Some stuff happened, went somewhere else for a few years.
At that point, and while I was in that country, most of the time I actually magically forgot about my age, as if it never changed.
I know that I peaked in life when I was 23.
Now I'm 25 and a complete NEET, and no longer live in the place where I most of the time magically forgot about my age, as if it never changed.
Mentally I basically turned into an age-regressed child, but *I'm* 25 and left behind a history of failure.
My age fears are back full-force.
Being socially isolated and not moving forward in life makes it so much harder, because the solidarity of ageing alongside peers could have softened this experience.
You can't really maintain or make new connections when you stand still entirely.
My god, do I not want to see how much worse it gets from here over time.
What keeps me a tiny bit socially connected is the gains I made during my peak - but as we age, so does our stuff.
Once this technology breaks or becomes outdated, I can connect even less.
Add to that inflation I can't keep up with.
If I'm still a means-less NEET by like, 32?
All my connections will be long lost.
I'll be ten times more miserable, and probably just straight up insane from the loneliness at that point.
tl;dr, I am TERRIFIED of the loneliness ageing in bad circumstances brings with itself.
Dying now while I am slightly less alone sounds better in the long run, as unintuitive as it has kept feeling thanks to SI.
