Does anyone secretly want to be 'saved?'

[BadRNG]

Hi, this is my first post after lurking for a while. I wanted to start by thanking this community for existing. It's really reassuring to have such an open and friendly forum to browse and seek advice and guidance on. For context, I'm a thirty-something year old secondary school teacher living in the UK. I have been diagnosed with BPD and 'aspergers' for around five years. I've taken all the anti-depressants and other meds the doctors offer me and attend my mental health appointments like a good soldier, but I'm really hitting a brick wall and finding the circular nature of BPD increasingly difficult to navigate. Every time I find myself in a downwards spiral it feels inevitable that I'll hit rock bottom, and when I get there the total despair is all-encompassing.

I worry about suicide a lot and have thoughts about it every day. I appreciate that I have some good things in my life, but they don't outweigh the constant mental pain I feel anymore, as well as the overwhelming fatigue. I worry about it because I appreciate that my BPD symptoms mean that what seems like a good idea one minute is a terrible idea the next which doesn't work with the permanency suicide has to offer. But the thing I most worry about is the title of my thread: it's like, I crave someone to acknowledge how much it hurts to be alive; I want someone to notice and help. I've told the mental health team that I've considered suicide, I've planned my exit and I've even started following through with plans on more than one occasion and they're not interested. I even told them once that it's like they want me to attempt it before I can get the 'proper help.'

I don't think I'm a manipulative person and I try really hard not to come across as 'attention seeking,' but what I feel like I really want is to be rescued. I believe that if I try to go and someone rescues me, that having someone care like that about me would make my life worth living. Is there anyone out there who feels similar, or am I just some sort of massive hypocrite on this forum?

Sorry for the rambling and thank you, anonymous people of the internet, for hearing me out.

Yes!! I DONT want to die!! I WANT TO LIVE! But it seems like I can't get out of this prison.

 

[LittleJem]

I just want my life over and am isolating myself. I am so done. I prefer it this way.

 

[bpdteacher]

Thank you for all your responses so far, it's made me feel so valued. I'll write a proper reply tonight when I'm alone.

 

[DaFloof]

Heck yes, I'd love to be 'saved'! The problem lies in what, exactly, it would take to 'save' me. My health is shot; I live in anguish with a multitude of back problems and a digestive system that can barely function anymore; I'm in debt up to my eyeballs from hospital stays and surgeries that I couldn't afford; my credit is, thus, shot to heck to the point that I can't even get a home to rent anymore; and in a week, without intervention, I'll be warming a bench on a street somewhere.

'Saving' me would be such a massive and wasted effort that it's just not feasible anymore, and, frankly, I gave up hope long, long ago. Sure, being able to somehow live a normal happpy life would be great, but these mountains of problems with a healthy dose of unmanaged depression just doesn't leave room in the equation for that.

 

[MaybeSoon]

If someone could cure my mind completely so I could live my life in peace then sure I'd like to be saved that way. Unfortunately I don't think that's possible. I've tried almost everything.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

Hey! I'm also autistic so if you need to rant at all, feel free to message me. I sometimes want to be saved, for me it's more about the acknowledgement, I want someone to say they understand my pain. I don't know if I want to be save though as I'm just putting off the inevitable. Weirdly enough no one has even asked me if I have a plan and I'm a part of therapy but my therapist has never once asked me! Killing oneself is more complex if you are autistic as you have to deal with the carers, the needing everything to be perfect, being terrible at lying and needing stability and predictableness.

 

[Final Escape]

I used to but then I realized nobody can save me, and nobody is goin to come along and do it for me. Only I can. The problem is remaining consistent in pursuing this goal and taking action daily to progress in this endeavor lol!

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering and in limbo on what to do. To answer your question, no I don't wish to be saved. I do everything I can to hide my CTB intentions, both online and IRL. If anything, I'm hiding up until the moment that I am going to CTB because I don't want interference nor failure.

 

[bpdteacher]

I think it's so frustrating because it feels like mental illness has robbed me of what could have been a great life. I've always wanted to teach, and I know I'm good at it (based on actual statistics in terms of kids' progress as well as feedback from kids, parents and senior staff) so my BPD doesn't get much of a say in my effectiveness at my job. But what it does do is jeopardise my ability to do it well in the first place, with the daily struggle to get up, the overwhelming emotions which means I'm often having a 2min cry between classes, the imposter syndrome and the inevitable feeling of hopelessness knowing that I will one day, as I have had to many times already, have to leave my job due to a breakdown and start over again. I'm so fed up, because I have done everything I can to fight this. My school knows that I have BPD and are generally supportive of me (though a bit slow on the uptake with things like reasonable adjustments) and the people I work with directly know about my condition and do their best to support me. Being open and honest has helped in some ways, but in others it's added to the frustration because I'm still not 'better' and I don't think I ever will be.

I would absolutely love to support young people with their mental health, and to be honest with my students about who I am, however the stigma associated with mental health and BPD especially is still very much there. I've had to leave jobs previously due to bullying from colleagues, for example, comments about how 'all self-harmers are attention seekers.' I can also imagine too, the response from some parents- 'I'm not having some psycho teaching my kids.' etcetc. I hope that one day in the future there's an ability for people like me to be open with the kids because I've seen how much it's helped, for example LGBT+ kids in school having an openly gay member of staff running a club at lunchtime about LGBT+ issues. Plus it's becoming a much more pressing issue in youth, the irony being that everyone recognises early intervention as the best support yet CAMHS referrals are basically impossible and adult mental services in my experience have at least a six month waiting list before even an assessment takes place.

Yes, I do want to be saved. But equally I'm not afraid to die if I'm not. It almost feels fatalistic in a way, like a flip of the coin about how much value my life holds. I imagine it stems from childhood emotional abuse where the message I was given was that I wasn't good enough, in all the ways, coupled with being a 'highly sensitive person.' I think I just need someone to go 'I see you, I recognise how much effort it's taking you, thank you, I want you here because you're valuable.' It would really help.

Like how if you find me crying hysterically over a bottle of SN I've found in the chem store, I do actually really need a hug despite not wanting to be touched. That sort of thing.

Thank you guys for being here.

 

[gnomeboy17]

I think it's so frustrating because it feels like mental illness has robbed me of what could have been a great life.

I totally understand you with this. It's so difficult to have to keep living on. But from the sounds of it I think you can do it. You sound like such a kind hearted, genuine person. You sound like a great teacher and a great colleague. I really hope you find something that helps you manage your mental health more. Best wishes x

 

[Shinbu]

No.

 

[flower]

I used to feel that way, I think when I was younger I maybe found the idea of being "saved" romantic. but now I've just had enough, and I don't want anything/anyone to get in the way of my plan.

it sounds like you have some hope left. I really hope things turn around for you whether that be with help from someone else, or healing by yourself

 

[Nem]

Sorry to hear your situation!
When I think of being saved, I think along the lines of dr assisted suicide, that to me is being saved
Peace/hugs

 

[Anon2662]

I think it's so frustrating because it feels like mental illness has robbed me of what could have been a great life. I've always wanted to teach, and I know I'm good at it (based on actual statistics in terms of kids' progress as well as feedback from kids, parents and senior staff) so my BPD doesn't get much of a say in my effectiveness at my job. But what it does do is jeopardise my ability to do it well in the first place, with the daily struggle to get up, the overwhelming emotions which means I'm often having a 2min cry between classes, the imposter syndrome and the inevitable feeling of hopelessness knowing that I will one day, as I have had to many times already, have to leave my job due to a breakdown and start over again.

I feel this so much! I was a great teacher (without blowing my own trumpet) based on kids progress, how the kids and parents reacted to me and I was always good with the 'problem' children because I could really understand them and I'm always one to back the underdog. I even managed to help a selectively mute child finally feel comfortable to talk out loud in class within a term after 5 years in school not talking. I loved my job but my MH really got in the way and eventually I was forced to quit due to being ill. And now I will never be able to teach again because who would employ someone who hears voices and is 'emotionally unstable' to work with children.. to be honest I wouldn't trust myself. MH has robbed me of everything.
so I know where you are coming from.If you ever want to talk, I'm here :)

 

[Isittimetogonola]

Even though this is how I always felt I would leave, I keep hoping the world will show me some type of sign that it still wants me. So far it has not.

 

[sadgirl2002]

You're not manipulative or attention seeking at all. At the moment, I don't know if I want to be saved because I'm still in a state where I feel conflicted. I'm stuck between living and dying and I've been in this state since my true love left, so I'm unable to make any decisions in regards to ending it. I do want to be saved in the sense, I want him to come back, then I'll actually consider to stay. I just want him to be with me, I don't even need comfort or reassurance, I just want him to be with me, to hold me. I don't even ask for much but the world isn't giving it to me. I hope that someone saves you, how you want them to.

 

[faust]

Hello, honestly, to be saved is a bad thing, because when you are saved, maybe it is already too late (body, brain damage, etc.)
It is always better to seek help before trying to CTB. There is no need in drinking N and then calling 911.

If you are looking for help, then check who can help several miles around you.
Wish you a good luck in whatever you do

 

[TVtrays]

Wow, I really thought I was alone in feeling this way. There's a part of me that does want to be saved for some odd reason. I have BPD and I wonder if it's a common thing for those with BPD to feel this way. I know due to my upbringing, I crave having someone rescue me or love me/ take care of me which is a weird way to feel, I think.
Just know you're not alone in this and you're welcome to send me a pm to vent if you'd like

 

[cazwiz]

At the risk of being unpopular, I'm having a bit of a hard time reading peoples' experiences of the NHS mental health provision in the UK. I too spent several years trying and failing to get help, and deteriorating, rallying, deteriorating again in a cycle for years. My cycle broke when I got massively triggered and found myself getting pulled away from the ledge of a tall building by the police. I was temporarily sectioned and got a tertiary services review a few days later. Luckily I was able to present coherently there with good insight into my issues. This got me a review with the psychotherapies service service and 3 months later (a long time to wait in crisis, but its well-known resources are stretched, and many wait for years) and I got granted 2 years' worth of specialist therapy. I may have got lucky, and there's no doubt my mental health trust is one of the better run ones and I live in a city where the access is good, but what was made really clear to me during my 3 assessments when they were deciding whether to give me therapy or not, was that they have to assess a really fine line. The risk must be serious and no other interventions have worked, yet (and this is the super crucial bit) they have to be able to gauge that they can make a successful intervention with you. This means 2 things. Are you stable enough and safe enough to do difficult work that might take you to the edge of what you can cope with and; are you likely to succeed and make progress, and frankly give a good return on the funding/budget allocation and tick the KPIs. It's a tricky one, and I remember very clearly the feeling of 'this is my one chance' and the amount of anxiety and pressure that added to an already tense situation. I guess I did get lucky, I had done my research on my condition and presented my determination to make this work, but I also really do not envy the folks who have to make those decisions with an increasing need from the public, and a lack of resources with a high level of burnout in their ranks. Let's not forget how often mental health professionals and the emergency services succumb to trauma or depression or suicide too. Despair and overwhelm are very real and very cruel.
I wish you all the best and hope you find the help you need x

 

[LonelySoul]

I fish for sympathy from my friends/boyfriend all the time I feel like. I'm a terrible person, but I want them to care, and I wish that if they cared maybe I'd want to live.

I understand. I have an uncaring family (siblings, nieces/nephews). I thought to myself earlier, "if I got Coronavirus, they would not give a shit about me pegging it" - I was the black sheep for many years, then someone else took over that title. I have been labelled, "awkward, trouble-maker, attention-seeking" over the years. Add unloved to that list. My Dad died 30 years ago when I was just 20. He never saw me mature into an adult. I miss him, would love to chat to him. Part of me wants to end it so that I can see him again. He cared, but my Mum didn't want me.

 

[BabyYoda]

Hi, sorry to hear what you're going through.

To answer your question, yes I want to be saved by someone, though I am aware that many people categorize this attitude as being "toxic behavior" which I don't think would be the case if the person was given the PROPER attention they need. Social media hurts the mentally ill more than it should. Some people have experienced abandonment issues with family/friends and pushing that person to go through it on their own is wrong, especially if they are unable to access the proper psychological health care that they need. Truth is humans need other humans. We have our own limitations, and we need to work together as a team.

 

[slushy]

I want to be saved but I don't think any human on this earth has the ability to really save me.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I want to be saved but I don't think any human on this earth has the ability to really save me.

Anything non-human or some "thing", like a material thing of some sort?