It describes me so thoroughly that it made me cry reading your message because every damn day I even wish I could be healed or die. I just want something to happen. I hate being in between. Every day is fucking misery and it's all because of my severe depression. My job literally makes me vomit from the stress these fucked up people put on me, even tho I eat less than 1 sandwich per day. My antidepressants make me feel like crap and the only "positive" thing they do is make it harder for me to think, which is very problematic because of the school I still attend. The worst part of all this is that apart from my illnesses, my life is "great", like I don't look bad, my family loves me, I was intelligent before I started taking antidepressants, I have a few hobbies and I just couldn't imagine a better therapist than I have now. It feels like taking my life away would be such a waste of time that could be spent well if I only could get better but I don't know if I'm strong enough to last that long. Time will show.
You seem overwhelmed. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? I'm 31. And I have 4 kids that I can't see them because of the combination of my mistakes involving her mom and her being a very toxic narcist. For a long time I was severely depressed with them, it was because I was a destitute and felt like I was just a placeholder for a real person. It took a long time for me to come to the understanding that child trauma and abuse arrested my emotional development and I never learned to love myself. And I know, that sounds so simple. Yeah, maybe it is for a "person". But I had never been a person. I never healed, I only made a protective casing over myself. And eventually it broke. And I have to say, although you're free to do whatever you chose to do in your situation... I truly believe that you're strong enough to make it through for the sole fact, that you're not afraid to face your emotions here, to a total stranger. I think that's really strong.
Being vulnerable is harder than being cruel.
And you feel like you should be happy, but really... the hard part is the realization that it all revolves around how you talk to YOUR self.
I remember my middle son being about 6 or 7 and he was looking at himself in the long vanity mirror I had, and he was talking to himself and I heard him say
"I look good, yeah I look great!" And I paused... I realized that I never ounce had a moment where I was "happy" with myself.
I think a lot of people chase "happiness" and happiness isn't what we're sold, at least in my opinions.
I think finding a passion is much more realistic, and well... full disclosure I let this disgusting little voice in my head talk down to me.
And I've googled it for years, and it's like depression's dirty little secret.
Every negative voice that you have internally was once an outside voice, and even if it wasn't directed at you when you first heard the things you carry around...
You assigned these attributes to yourself, but they're just labels, and I know that makes all this sound easy and that it makes healing sound simple but...
The hardest HARDEST thing you will ever have to do is change YOUR Perspective. And if you don't believe you can, than you won't. If you believe you can than you CAN. My current gf taught me thinking about doing something is two steps away from doing it.
I got out of prison last December and was living in a homeless shelter. I tried to contact my ex fiancée and she had a new guy and a baby.
This hurt deeply, I felt worthless and replaceable. I spent this year unable to trust another human being and planning to ctb. Two weeks ago this was going to be my last year. And well, I emailed my ex, and I broke down my how bad things hurt me and how I essentially was betrayed. And she replied and it started as a shouting match. And I didn't know how bad I had hurt her... See, I was blinded by my pain. I had lost custody of my kids and a wife of 12 years (17 to 28) and when I met her I was broken and yet she somehow got inside of my heart. And All the while I had prison looming over my head. I don't want to recap the full story but I really made huge mistakes and there was a huge situation that pulled us apart and we took it out on each other.
so I'm just going to where we are in this moment.
We've sent over 100 emails in the past 3 days, and we've talked the past 2 nights from 2 or 3am to 5 or 6 over the phone.
Today we talked about how I would tease her by calling her Ukume from the movie Jungle 2 Jungle.
Excuse my language, but it has to be said... I am FUCKING AMAZED at how fast things have improved.
And I am extremely thankful beyond words. The truth is she saved my life in 2020, and despite losing her before...
She has never stopped being my passion? And did I mention? She's a natural redhead??
I know full well that I don't deserve a miracle. But I am now faced with the choice of the security of "sleep" or spending a life with the love of my life.
I don't ever try to talk anyone out of ctb, however... I think it's often something we use as a final solution, and a be all and all.
I believe in quality of life. And honestly, your kids need their Dad. So, you do whatever you chose to.
But when you're passing out from a ctb attempt, it's too late to try "one" last thing.
If you ever want to talk, message me whenever, and if you cross over than I pray you find peace.
Whatever you chose;
You are enough.
You have everything you need already inside of you.
I can't say what's right for you.
But the words "I can't" are words that upset me when people are talking about ctb.
You can kill yourself... you can pretty much do ANYTHING else.
Sorry, I type a lot... hence all the emails I've mentioned lol.
One thing, I call it my unfinished business because I can't go without knowing what went wrong is at least acknowledged. The rest of what the world has is pointless I've done and seen all I care to now it's weird.
I get it. Dude, I have the male fantasy... and well, I partied until it became painful, like being stuck on a roller-coaster for decades. Anhedonia really seemed like the celling until recently for me as well.
I'm currently in recovery but I also have a bucket list. It started as things to do before I ctb but now it helps when I start spiralling badly back into intense SI again cos I'm able to use them to stop myself doing drastic in the moment when I know I will regret it cos it gives me more things to live for ig? I hope that might help any one here in recovery as another strategy, and for people not interested in recovery I hope your bucket lists bring you some peace and joy <3
I think you're going to leave this world behind, you might as well throw a going away party, and if you suddenly have the desire to leave...
what's the problem with that? It's your life to live or to end and you're not locked into a decision until you're actually dead.
