Does anyone feel permanently in between passive and actively thinking of it?

[thisplaceisaprison]

I don't mean back and forth. I've never really considered an attempt a "crisis" because I don't see myself becoming "actively suicidal", it's always in the back of my head that I'm really not carrying any intentions of being here past 30..40..50..60..etc. I don't feel sad about it. It just isn't really something I've never felt like OH MY GOD I AM SO HAPPY, I've always just felt indifferent until I turned 25 and then after 26 I was just really positive that as much as I don't want to inflict pain on my loved ones, if I can't motivate myself to make a living and plan for a retirement and everything else in life that hanging around involves and I don't have any familial support otherwise besides saying checking out is wrong to do.. what are my options? Have my family think, "well! He's on the street, but he's not dead." It may be childish to think this way or how it may sound to you, but I'm not looking for a free pass. I'm also not trying to have my body just slowly break down more so than it has from not caring for it as well as I should have by abusing alcohol cigarettes and other shit over the years. Does anyone have the same thing where it's never something sets me into a crisis it's almost more like a conclusion?

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I used to say to my docs that I specialized in passive death thoughts. I was walking off every curb thinking it would be perfectly fine if I got run over by a city bus.

It did change for me, though, and it might change for you. I became actively suicidal in my late 40s.

I would say that lung cancer and/or cirrhosis are pretty crappy ways to go out, though, so you might want to stop abusing your body that way.

 

[opeth98]

I spent most of my early 20s being passively suicidal, envying people who died of natural causes or thinking about death but not acting on it.
I kept thinking: perhaps at some point I will die of natural causes too and that would make me happy.
Unfortunately, I have never had the stamina to go for the most gruesome suicide methods even when I really wanted to die. Killing oneself is not easy as one might think.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

I feel the same way. I've never attempted to ctb but have oscillated between being more or less suicidal over the years. I don't have any immediate plans but it just feels inevitable. I have everything I need for my method too. I think having a partner is the only thing that could motivate me to live past 30

 

[thisplaceisaprison]

I used to say to my docs that I specialized in passive death thoughts. I was walking off every curb thinking it would be perfectly fine if I got run over by a city bus.

It did change for me, though, and it might change for you. I became actively suicidal in my late 40s.

I would say that lung cancer and/or cirrhosis are pretty crappy ways to go out, though, so you might want to stop abusing your body that way.

I appreciate that, I started smoking when I was 13 so it's really kind of difficult and while cancer and cirrhosis are awful ways to go out, I'm sure I'd rather leave whether or not they develop either way I can still leave and while they're shitty things to enjoy I don't have really any friends, the ones I keep up with from a homeless shelter since we got housing are the same or worse as I am, but when I say I'm not actively or passively suicidal I mean I'm passively active if that makes sense? Some nights I'm like alright let's have 4 liters of wine that could kill me and then other days I can't be drinking, I mean hell if I had 2 bottles of N and whoever D or whatever didn't use the Bitcoin shit and just took a check, I'd be out when I got my tax return. I don't mean I've never attempted when I say not actively, I just don't go into a crisis where it's impulsive and it's not passive enough to think once a week I want to die. It's every day, all day, but I don't have a sure fire way. I've tried about 7 times I think.