Does anyone feel like this ?

[Coffeandamug]

(Changed the description for clarity purposes)

I feel this "internal pain". It is emotional pain, but it is so overwhelming and so strong that I could almost say it is physical. I'll describe it further. There's the pain and there's also the thoughts that come with it. The thoughts of failure, of worthlessness, of having no possible good futures. And the pain... I feel like my body is gripping my neck and my heart from the inside. There's overwhelming sadness, overwhelming dread, despair, hopelessness... and pain... pure pain. The thoughts intensify to a state of "Just die please", "Just die please" and I usually start crying if I'm not around other people. My breath is short, it seems like my adrenaline is high and the suffering continues. I can't talk to my family in this state, I avoid them like the plague. In intense pain, I also fantasize about very aggressive behaviors like beating up anyone, literally anyone that is in front of me. Something that the "normal" me would never do. If it goes like this for more than one day then I start to feel very depressed and down. I can still feel the pain, but it is as if nothing matters anymore. Eventually, this insanely painful state goes away but only for a brief period. Then the cycle starts again. It is very difficult to get anything done in that state. I usually call it "Hell" because I haven't found a better word to describe it.

 

[partymonster]

I feel exactly like this from the moment I wake up in the morning, sorry that you feel like this. It's unbearable and agonizing. Hope things get better somehow for you.

 

[oddetoad]

If you're real it was all a setup from when you were born

 

[Coffeandamug]

I feel exactly like this from the moment I wake up in the morning, sorry that you feel like this. It's unbearable and agonizing. Hope things get better somehow for you.

I'm sorry that you feel like this as well, nobody should ever have to go through something like this. I changed the first description so It could describe it more clearly. So I don't know if you'd still identify exactly with all of it. But, again, I'm really sorry that you feel like this.

If you're real it was all a setup from when you were born

How so ?

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I feel an emotional pain regarding my failure in the past, the lack of possibilities in my future

This sentence is so perfect. I started my reply before you edited your post. I myself feel this way and I think millions of others do. I'm thinking it's mostly Gen X and millennials that feel like this. We are young enough to be haunted by mistakes and lost oppotunities that today's vastly improved internet would have likely prevented for us, but too old to be making stupid money for doing useless shit like social media influencing or livestream gaming.

 

[Tower]

hey there, i feel like this as well, and i also call it hell. i'm on the borderline spectrum, and i think what you're describing really sounds like the stuff we experience with personality disorders, especially as they intersect with complex trauma. i'm really fucking sorry you feel this way, i know how absolutely unbearable it is.

"gripping my neck and my heart from the inside" this feeling in particular, i know it really well. there's also this terrible aching and a sense of absolute emptiness, just this completely hollowed out chamber filled with pain where your soul is supposed to be. it feels like suffocating in a way. my fantasies during these cycles often relate more to self harm and suicide but i've certainly fantasized about external displays of aggression as well. sometimes i actually do self harm by cutting or burning, or do a very soft suicide attempt, like getting everything set up for a hanging and then backing out at the last second.

i hate the way it makes me dependent on people, because when i'm alone i'm trapped in this absolute vortex of suffering. it's made me attach to people in the past that weren't very good for me, but i was too terrified to separate.