Does anyone feel excited knowing they will be ctb soon?

[Nagito]

I'm so excited that nothing else matters to me that much. I'm planning on leaving everything in order and I have one last big event planned with my friend where they usually make a lot of money, but then that's it.

It's hard to try and care about day to day things when you know you're going soon, but knowing it's coming is the most exciting thing. I've given myself permission to rest and I don't want to be here any longer.

Just wondering if anyone else has this excitement towards it? It outweighs any negative feelings or fear I have.

 

[αmber]

I would describe it more like numbness what I've been feeling these past days. I am not worried about not finishing what I was once supposed to finish. I feel sad, tired and not really caring much about my surroundings. If death was easier, I would probably be feeling a lot more relaxed though.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Yes. I cant wait until i power through guilt and SI.

 

[thelocalmoon]

Not exactly excited but I am relieved. Even more so now since my SN order just arrived.

 

[wanttodie]

I'm so excited knowing i well end my life and die

 

[ornitier199]

Excited? No.
Relieved? Yes.

 

[Wormfood]

Living is like insomnia and I view death as sleep. I'm exhausted.

 

[Lost Magic]

Yeah, I am not excited in a gleeful sense but I am glad that I am nearing the end. Death is just so final, isn't it? Oh, well, we all got to go sometimes. It is better to have control over it, than not. My mother and my uncle died of long terminal illnesses. That was enough for me to realise, that's not the way I want to go. It's so painful to watch the people you love deteriorate so slowly like that. Euthanasia should be legal in all countries. Nobody should have to go through an undignified death when the don't have to.

 

[NobodyKnowsMe]

I'm not excited. I'm sadden that this is where life has brought me. After all the decades of trying to be happy, inside I am no better off than I was when I was young. I was raised to not ever give in to the true depths of the depression, the despair, but I've gained little in following that road.

 

[MsMaudlin]

I'm sad about going, but it's for the best.

I feel bad for my family but I don't think they will be surprised.

I'm swinging between feeling numb and feeling despondent.


❤

 

[Nlis2244]

I sadly can't manage to not worry about daily things, but I'm trying to. Anytime something bad happens I feel bad, but then just repeat to myself that soon it won't be my problem anymore. That gives me the strength to just press on.

 

[FuneralCry]

If I had a peaceful and reliable way to exit this world, I would certainly be looking forward to ctb. Non existence is all I want. However I feel so trapped in this world as ctb is so difficult for me. I wish that it was easier for me to leave all the pain behind and be at peace more than anything.

The thought of dying will always be comforting for me, and at least death will come one day, no matter what. In comparison to death, my life seems so temporary, insignificant and meaningless. It is just so horrifying, the fact that this life could potentially go on for many more decades. Existence will only ever be suffering, after all.

 

[Lost Magic]

If I had a peaceful and reliable way to exit this world, I would certainly be looking forward to ctb. Non existence is all I want. However I feel so trapped in this world as ctb is so difficult for me. I wish that it was easier for me to leave all the pain behind and be at peace more than anything.

The thought of dying will always be comforting for me, and at least death will come one day, no matter what. In comparison to death, my life seems so temporary, insignificant and meaningless. It is just so horrifying, the fact that this life could potentially go on for many more decades. Existence will only ever be suffering, after all.

I understand that feeling of just not wanting to exist. I have never wanted to be in this world either. It's just so painful being trapped in these walking brains with eyes. Kratom tea does help though and I would suggest you look into it. Red Borneo and Green Malay are nice strains.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

When you are determined to kill yourself you are extremely free, self-determined and unassailable. Yes, I am excited too.

 

[lessonlearned]

i feel relieved about it i guess

 

[sod]

knowing that I can end all this suffering whenever I want, help me sleep at night

 

[Obliviate]

So excited to leave. When you literally have nothing to live for, you look forward to it.

 

[makethepainstop]

I am delighted! I have had enough! I am ecstatic! Just scared of failure! The count down has already begun. Love and hugs to all here.

 

[Hope:-)]

A little atm.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I wish I knew how to get into this mindset. The only thing close to this is the callous thought that my CTB will be a massive middle finger to the messed up society I am leaving behind and a desire to leave long bitchy messages (without mentioning that I'm about to CTB) all over social media just before I do it, so if anyone wonders why - they'd know. But then I remember that there is way too much toxic shit going on around me already, and that I will not get to feel smug or see whether I forced someone to think for a second when I'm dead anyway.

 

[StolenLife]

Not sure how soon I'll do it but yes, that's the only thing in this life I'm looking foward to anymore. I don't know what waits for me on the other side but it can't get much worse than this. I don't have the strength in me to wait 50 more years until I'm too old and worn to be able to do it while I only accumulate more years of loneliness and regret. Maybe I'll be given a chance to redo it all over again from a certain point. And even if it's just nothingness it's fine by me, at least I'll no longer be able to feel this pain anymore. I'm only 22 but it feels like I've been here for way too long and I know it in my heart that I was supposed to die ten years ago. Now I'm finally sure and ready.

 

[HerculePoirot]

Not going to ctb in the very short term yet, but actively preparing, just in case. The strange thing is my excitement (kind of sexual) every time I accomplish a step forward (registering to SaSu, for example). A real surprise to me, as sexual excitement is 'pro-life' (reproduction instinct), where suicide preparation is absolutely not.

 

[ojinzo]

I thought I would be the closer the date gets the more anxious and nervous I become to be honest

 

[HerculePoirot]

I have no date yet. Just preparing for the time I must go because my brain and my body become nonfunctional.

 

[ManicPanic2018]

I'm doing great in all honesty. I just had a week off work (I was supposed to be departing on Saturday but that's a whole other story).

So now I've applied for official sick leave so likely won't be going back to work before I go.

I'm going to be spending my final weeks chilling the fuck out, watching my favourite TV shows one last time, playing any game i can get on my switch, eating my favourite foods, surrounded by my family who offered to take me in instead of hospitalise me.

Once my housemate fucks off out of my flat and I can go home, I'll set my room up be as cosy as possible, take my SN and be unconscious in about 15 minutes.

And then ill be home. Free from my body. Free for all eternity.

If that doesn't sound like a good death, I don't know what is. My life here can never be good, it's too late. But I cant wait to be home, so hell fucking yea I'm excited.

As long as my housemate fucks off in time, cause I'm gonna be pissed if she tried to stay around and stop me again.

The only thing that makes me sad is that when I go home, I'm going to have to look my father in the eye and promise him ill be safe, knowing it will be the last time he sees me. But at least he understands why I want to go now. So my delayed departure from Saturday was really a blessing.

 

[spectraltease]

In some way, yes, but on the other side very numb. I talk with some nice ppl of mine about the future and stuff and I always think that I will be gone then, but I know its the right choice for me. I don't feel much, sometimes excitement when im sad or angry, then I say everytime to me "chill out, it will end soon andway." My final anwser is yes.