Discussion Does anyone else want to ctb while they're still young?

[Squiddy]

I can't imagine myself growing old and seeing the ones I love die and I don't really want to die in my sleep because that sounds scary. I would never get to say goodbye to the ones I love. A big part of me wants to die on my own terms, but I'm afraid that if I do that I'll go to a potential hell

 

[Nymph]

Yep, can't stop thinking about it

 

[madbananas]

I feel similar. I already have one parent gone, my grandparents will be going soon, and my other parent is older for being a parent so I'll still be young when I lose them.
I also have BPD and major abandonment and attachment issues so it literally almost kills me on the rare occasion I connect with someone and love them too much (I only idealise and then grieve, I don't personally switch to devaluing) and then they abandon me. People say it "hurts" when someone they love leaves them. For me I end up basically purging my whole soul and regressing into my childhood abandonment trauma.
And then there's the guilt I feel about leaving my family behind because I'm young (well, I'm 25, some people may not say that is young lol but I do) and I get images of them crying and devastated. But in reality I can't live the way I am. I don't fit in with this world. I've completely become intolerant to distress, which I would say is understandable because I've experienced enough distress for a lifetime, so I can appreciate how people become intolerant to distress, and it makes me cringe when professionals focus on "distress tolerance" with people. I believe our souls basically become exhausted after so much of it.
Anyway, sorry for rambling.
And I'm sorry you're in this position Squiddy.

 

[Ghost2211]

Yes, I prefer to die young as well. I don't see any benefit to getting old. It seems like a lonely, helpless, poor health, and dependent state to be in. Most old people I know are not happy to be old.

 

[Squiddy]

I feel similar. I already have one parent gone, my grandparents will be going soon, and my other parent is older for being a parent so I'll still be young when I lose them.
I also have BPD and major abandonment and attachment issues so it literally almost kills me on the rare occasion I connect with someone and love them too much (I only idealise and then grieve, I don't personally switch to devaluing) and then they abandon me. People say it "hurts" when someone they love leaves them. For me I end up basically purging my whole soul and regressing into my childhood abandonment trauma.
And then there's the guilt I feel about leaving my family behind because I'm young (well, I'm 25, some people may not say that is young lol but I do) and I get images of them crying and devastated. But in reality I can't live the way I am. I don't fit in with this world. I've completely become intolerant to distress, which I would say is understandable because I've experienced enough distress for a lifetime, so I can appreciate how people become intolerant to distress, and it makes me cringe when professionals focus on "distress tolerance" with people. I believe our souls basically become exhausted after so much of it.
Anyway, sorry for rambling.
And I'm sorry you're in this position Squiddy.

I relate to this post so much. I also have BPD and have abandonment issues so I don't know how I'll take my family deaths. I don't want to be around for it. I also don't want to leave my family behind, but can't take this pain

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I can't imagine myself growing old and seeing the ones I love die and I don't really want to die in my sleep because that sounds scary. I would never get to say goodbye to the ones I love. A big part of me wants to die on my own terms, but I'm afraid that if I do that I'll go to a potential hell

Yes, I'd much rather go young. Ideally I would do it this year... I really hope I will.

 

[madbananas]

I relate to this post so much. I also have BPD and have abandonment issues so I don't know how I'll take my family deaths. I don't want to be around for it. I also don't want to leave my family behind, but can't take this pain

Abandonment issues and BPD can be hell to live with. They definitely are for me. I'm sorry you have those as well.
I'll be quite honest and say the death of my parent wasn't as torturing for me as my abandonment experiences. And I hope anybody reading this doesn't take that as I found it 'not bad' when my parent died. It's more of the case that that's how bad my abandonment issues are, and that my parent didn't choose to leave and it wasn't personal. It was horrible and I absolutely still grieved though.
Hugs. It's kind of strange that you post this because it's also been going through my mind today, more so than other days.

 

[Squiddy]

Abandonment issues and BPD can be hell to live with. They definitely are for me. I'm sorry you have those as well.
I'll be quite honest and say the death of my parent wasn't as torturing for me as my abandonment experiences. And I hope anybody reading this doesn't take that as I found it 'not bad' when my parent died. It's more of the case that that's how bad my abandonment issues are, and that my parent didn't choose to leave and it wasn't personal. It was horrible and I absolutely still grieved though.
Hugs. It's kind of strange that you post this because it's also been going through my mind today, more so than other days.

This topic is something that randomly popped into my head again and I was like, let me see what others think. I'm just terrified of going through a death of a parent even though it probably won't be for a long time

 

[madbananas]

This topic is something that randomly popped into my head again and I was like, let me see what others think. I'm just terrified of going through a death of a parent even though it probably won't be for a long time

When this happens to me I just have to distract myself, which is easier said than done. Just know you're not alone with this though :)

 

[Deathbydemo]

Yep, I'm 29, still relatively young and I will never see my 30th birthday in November. This is the way I want it, and always have. The thought of turning 30 alone absolutely breaks me.

 

[AnotherBrick]

Almost 25 now, if it matters. Ideally, I'd be strong enough to wait out my parents before I caught the bus - especially since I'm sure their passing will be the boost I need to follow through.

But yes, I would prefer to die young for many reasons.
1. I fear the effects on my body, both for physical and aesthetic reasons (I'm a vain bitch, what of it)
2. Despite my education I'll never have a decent job and I don't want to continue to be a wage slave all my life
3. Retirement funds? Lol.
4. I don't believe I'll ever find an effective treatment for my mental health issues.

Basically, it can all be chalked up to the fact I have nothing to live for except protecting my family from dealing with a suicide. No hopes, no pleasures or hobbies or goals. I used to think I wanted a partner, but I found that even with the near-perfect partner I was still hopelessly depressed. The sooner I CBT the less drudgery I'll have to endure.

 

[TAW122]

I have always wanted to CTB young and I couldn't imagine living until old age even in the best of circumstances (financial security, living stability, goals met, etc.). This is because age and infirmity will catch up and I would not wish to live to the day where I even lack the physical capacity to carry out my own death. Also, life as an adult just sucks and given my current life now and likely the future, I'd rather CTB sooner than live many years on.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I relate to this post so much. I also have BPD and have abandonment issues so I don't know how I'll take my family deaths. I don't want to be around for it. I also don't want to leave my family behind, but can't take this pain

I can 100% relate. I feel like I may as well just give up and die if my parents or sibling die before me. I feel completely helpless in this world, despite people and actual evidence showing me I'm not.

 

[death137]

I doubt I will be here for a week let alone years and grief over the further aging of me and ppl I know. I hate aging because of both physical change and becoming less innocent (becoming more adult). I'm currently suicidal over other problem but if I didn't have this problem I may have became suicidal over what aging brings. I first started to grief over aging when I was 13. So for me concern over aging doesn't only mean going beyond 30. I consider it bad to age from 23 to 24.

 

[lostangel]

I can't imagine myself growing old and seeing the ones I love die and I don't really want to die in my sleep because that sounds scary. I would never get to say goodbye to the ones I love. A big part of me wants to die on my own terms, but I'm afraid that if I do that I'll go to a potential hell

Even if you go to a potential hell you won't be there for ever.

 

[dec132013]

Already feel too old (19) Definitely leaving before I'm 25, no idea how or why people want to live so long. Existing is so exhausting, the idea that I'll never be able to live the way I was during the lockdown again only makes me more depressed

 

[Meaninglesslife50]

I don't have of your problem like BPD or any diagnosed mentsl disorder but I still feel I need to CTB as even in the best case scenario isn't something that I like to live.Living as a job slave and getting old doing things you don't like and in the end none of it matters amyway.

 

[Ready2GoNow]

Yes but not for the same reasons you describe. I simply have no reason to continue to suffer here, it's just masochism at this point. I have no loved ones. I am a recluse and the only human interaction I have is when I go to the supermarket. Even that is more limited now with coronavirus...

As for you, I'd say your loved ones would much rather you say goodbye to them than the other way round. But if it's any comfort, I doubt any hell could be worse than this place. As for the fiery place where you're tortured for eternity by a horned creature with a pitch fork, that's no more real than Santa or the tooth fairy. And even if it WERE real, no loving god would send you there.

 

[Deleted member 20852]

I'm not close to anyone so there's no one to die before me that I care deeply for but I want die young too, I hate the concept of aging. I've only been here for 24 years but I feel like I have lived for an eternity I can't comprehend another 20, 40 or even 60 years here.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Does 30 count as young? I certainly dont want to be here in another decade or so. Even a couple of years seems a long time. The idea of aging and having nobody around to help and take care of me is just terrifying.

 

[Aeathelina]

I'm only 25 yet I feel like I've long since passed the age where being a " hot mess" isn't acceptable. I'm honestly just tried. My mole hill has turned into a mountain the size of Everest and I'm not strong enough and too tire to overcome. I shouldn't have lived this long to begin with.

 

[TJuk]

I first attempted suicide at 14, I'm now 27 (28 in Nov if I make it that long) I'm hoping to ctb before November I'm having to be careful though as I was unfortunately nearly sectioned in August so I'm still having check-ins to see if I'm still alive, they no longer are doing it on specific days so I need to figure out there routine, make sure that by time they close then reopen it's enough time to kill myself.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Yeeees.
But according to the "18-year-olds" around the forum I'm already old in my 30s, soo...

 

[elphieindecay]

I have always expected that I would die before turning 30. Even as a small child(5yrs old or so), I managed to cause family members notable discomfort when asserting I'd never live longer than 30. The reality is, I have no interest in aging physically, no interest in watching others die, and no interest in prolonged suffering, just for the sake of arbitrary handfuls of "good moments".
I will say that now that I'm 26, I could theoretically see myself living longer than 30 (if I don't voluntarily end things before then), but certainly not past 40. Perhaps that number will change if I survive that long.

 

[Incorrigible77777]

I recommend reading the novel Lake Akan. The main character Junko has the kind of thought of dying at a young age and retain her youth forever.

 

[2nd Zed]

Aging to me is so horrifying that I don't even want to think about it at all

I recommend reading the novel Lake Akan. The main character Junko has the kind of thought of dying at a young age and retain her youth forever.

Can't find it. My search engine gives 0 relevant results. Can you name the author?

 

[Deleted member 17949]

If I live to 19 I am gonna be kinda pissed

 

[HappyMstake]

Well I'm 25 so I'm not really that young. But yes ideally I'd like to ctb before I turn 26, for no particular reason other than the fact that I don't really want to get any older.

 

[lost.ghost]

yes. each year of my life my mental health has deteriorated even more

 

[Birdie]

I wish I died back when I was a child... in an accident or something, after having fun with friends and dolls for the last time. Now, I hope to leave this world before I'm 30 years old.