Does anyone else think they will never summon the courage to actually do it?

[Anonymoussn]

I constantly think about it, but it just feels so final. I know that the second I do it my families lives will be irreparably damaged forever, and that feels like something i can't just ignore yet. And once it's done I can't take it back, whereas if I don't do anything I can wait until tomorrow. I keep waiting and waiting and I've now had my SN for a year. I feel like in another year I will still be here, not happy with my life, but having not actually done it and just being stuck in this limbo where I'm thinking about CTB all the time and am not really living. Anyone else feel the same way?

 

[Tegan_sky]

All I can say for myself right now, two things got me to pull back from going through with CTB...one was, what if, in that split second after I jump, or pull the trigger, I change my mind and it's too late? It can happen in a nano second. Someone I was talking to knew a man who jumped from a bridge, he survived. He told her that the thought that went through his head upon jumping, his thought was "what the fuck did I just do?"

Other thing that is keeping me from CTB, is the fear of failing and ending up with real, physical disabilities, like ending up in a wheelchair for life, brain damage, loss of the use of my hands, or losing my hands altogether if I try to slash my wrists and screw it up.

 

[Anonymoussn]

Someone I was talking to knew a man who jumped from a bridge, he survived. He told her that the thought that went through his head upon jumping, his thought was "what the fuck did I just do?"

There's a really good documentary about the jumpers on the Golden Gate Bridge. Can't remember what it's called but I watched it on YouTube, and those that survived all seemed to say this.

I think you've got to remember that any rational human being is going to want to live the second they find themselves falling to their imminent death. That's just survival instinct though, and isn't necessarily an indication that it's what you actually want. But I think it's enough to put me off jumping, since I think it would be unpleasant to spend my last moments in such intense fear.

 

[boc]

It's tough. I think the immediate regret after taking SN or pulling a trigger is more SI, than a clear decision. I've you've been thinking through the decision for a long time, and it is a rational conclusion, I don't think you should let the SI stop you.

In regards to damaging your family, I get that it's really a struggle. We all have that as a main item holding us at the bus stop. There really are no good answers, other than time heals all wounds. I think my family would have two really shitty weeks, but then life would more or less go back to normal. If you are truly unhappy, your life, your choice. There is no point living for others while you are suffering.

 

[Bedrock48]

Definitely, and it's something I worry about a lot. I also hate the finality of it too. Wish there was a way to have a free trial of death. Like I could just go to someone and ask for a year's trial but come back completely mentally/physically intact. Feel like that would make the decision much clearer.

SI is a big part obviously but especially in methods that aren't instant it can be so so hard not to back out or call someone in that momentary feeling. I've even had mental health professionals assume my attempts weren't "legit" (that I didn't want to die) because I got help. Like no, SI is just awful telling me I want to spend another 60 years suffering.

No right or wrong answers, I guess it comes down to things aligning perfectly and being able to push past doubts if you know you were 100% sure.

 

[deepinlimbo]

I don't even have my Method so I am even more stranded than yourself. I find myself feeling rather saddened I don't, perhaps even envious of others having a way out, if it ever comes to it. The fact you have something in place I think gives you strength. I think it does anyway.

It's like having an emergency exit in case of a fire. Hopefully you won't need it but thank god it's there. Hopefully you can find a way to enjoy/cope with your life knowing you have a backup plan, ctb (your sn) can be that emergency back up and only as last resort.

Maybe don't look at your time as waiting but perhaps recovering and improving? Or even just as time to do something you still enjoy?

Who knows that next year may be a lot better, off course we don't know but again you have your way out so you shouldn't feel like you can't at least maybe see if it is a better year. As you said you can't take it back so you could see what happens in the meantime and hopefully you can feel better.

I wish I had SN or N but both are a pain to get hold off and even though I did get SN once it got confiscated and having caught a glimpse of it in this shoddy sandwich bag and not exactly airtight I probably dodged a bullet so to speak (odd term considering a bullet would be preferable at this point)

I'm as my username suggests very much in a limbo state so I know how thinking about ctb can be. Especially as it is like a daily routine, almost a ritual for me at this point.


Sorry If I seem to preachy. Just hope you can work things out.

I think one day though I probably will If I get my method sorted. Ideally this year or next. I don't want to live for much longer really. Unfortunately.

 

[motel rooms]

if I try to slash my wrists and screw it up.

Please don't do that, it has never killed anyone

 

[All Things Must Pass]

I'm pretty hopeful about my CTB. It doesn't have to be a tragedy and it will not be. Maybe you could talk to your family or write notes explaining your decision to alleviate some of your worries.

Either way, you and your familiy will die eventually and your sadness will be gone forever. All things must pass, after all.

 

[Bullit]

Please don't do that, it has never killed anyone

What about Frankie "Five Angels" Pentangeli?

 

[Zzzzz]

Yes I'm concerned I won't be able to even if I'm suffering horribly. One reason I don't believe in the religious god is because if there was a higher power who had any love for me, then I would have died in my sleep years ago. A tragic life of suffering and misery is not "kind and loving."

 

[ClownMe]

I think ill eventually get the courage to try the exit bag method, i just need to gather all the materials. As for other methods like jumping from heights, jumping in front of a train, hanging etc etc. probably not, im too scared of being in excruciating pain.

 

[EOL4ME]

Yes, if a couple of things don't change this year it's a certainty. Method already in hand .......

 

[goat]

Yes, I'm doing it tonight.

 

[Deleted_9cKnXB34QG]

Yeah, l bought a rope in 2018 and it's been laying in the closet ever since. Good thing it doesn't have an expiry date, lol.

I think for me it's a mix of overthinking, paranoia, strong SI and using suicide as a cope. I wish I had access to some better method like N and wasn't left all alone with planning and executing this whole thing, it's a bit too much.
I know it has to be done tho, my mom can barely support me financially, I can't be a NEET forever.

 

[ihnaus419]

I've had SN and meto for the past year or so sitting in a deep corner of my cabinet. My main fear is not failing, but being found and forced to go to the hospital then forced to stay in a "psych ward/prison", and potentially being forced to live with my parents again under supervision (which would make my depression 1000x worse). As an autistic person that sounds like my worst nightmare and that has kept me from ever actually trying.

That and leaving my family behind, but I recently discovered how much I hate and resent them for how they raised me. Now I'd just rather not see them again. I have a hard time believing that the pain of losing me can ever compare to the pain of being alive for the past 20 years. No one in my life, not even my family understands what I'm going through, and yet they still have the audacity to blame me for the problems that led me to this point (Even though they deny it lol).

I would only do it if I had conditions under which I could ensure I would NOT be found if I failed, since if I fail SN I can just clean up and try another time. I think about suicide every day and at this point, it takes up more of my brain's bandwidth than anything else anymore. I just want to be released from my bodily prison and released into the cosmic void.

 

[Mixo]

I've had my method for about a year now (SN). After going through a whole lot of abuse over the last couple of years and my health declining pretty sharply, I'm really confident that I'm going to be able to do the deed when it's time. I won't be leaving anyone or anything behind that really wants me and that helps drive down SI a lot. I can see objectively now that my life really isn't a big deal, especially when it's such low quality living.

The only thing that makes me worried is just getting away from someone I live with so I can finally have time alone to do it. I'm probably going to cry a little before I do it, but I will probably also feel tremendous relief that the suffering is finally going to end and I won't have to be disappointed in this world or people anymore. I just hope that I don't get found. That to me is way scarier than dying - being trapped in a world that won't let you have the right to die.

 

[Elysium Searcher]

Yes, I'm doing it tonight.

I wish you a peaceful departure from our world, I hope that you will successfully do what you find the best for yourself

While I feel like I'm ready to CTB, I'm not 100% sure If I manage overcome my SI to drink SN, and later on to not call for help. Even If I'm feeling way worse than usual (and for a long time, which is quite surprising for me, that suicidal thoughts, or any actions to CTB in my case used to stay for like, few hours to 2-3 days at most). I'm in such state where I have less and less other choices, and I believe that might help me with my suicide.
The fact that I have no reason to stay alive is even more helping. I finally managed to start gathering resources (SN + rest of the stuff), I hope I will be as sure about my end in a few days/weeks as I am now, which this time isn't unlikely to last, comparing to most of my previous attempts.
My SI seems to be weaker and weaker, that's good.

 

[FuneralCry]

It just depends how desperate I get. If I reach a certain level of desperation I am convinced that I will be able to do it. Whatever happens there is always ways to leave this world and it is always a possibility. I do feel trapped a lot of the time as we have no right to die, and the easily accessible methods can easily go wrong and they require secrecy and overcoming the SI. It just depends how the future goes personally.

 

[EraseRewind]

When desperation builds again and my failures are large enough then I'll go again, I'm making sure I have the correct equipment on hand so I don't fail yet again.

 

[Lost Magic]

Yes I do. When life gets to the point were I can't enjoy some of the things I still do, and I have nothing left to comfort me, I will go ahead and end it all. I am pretty much a dead man walking anyway.

 

[Seiba]

I think eventually it's a matter of time, but with my circumstances at the moment with being a neet and my mother possibly having neck surgery will delay it. Not helped by the fact I'm largely used to doing next to nothing due to being a neet. I already had the courage to try once suicide once when I was younger and to practice partial a while ago so my main obstacles would be getting a better method like SN. I did end up getting some cheap scalpels a while ago -- ten dollars for I believe one hundred of them but I don't have the lidocaine because my amazon account is shared with my mother and therefore anything bought off of there is easily seen. I don't think really I'd have the pain tolerance for slitting my throat, but I suppose just having it available is somewhat nice. My first attempt I was pretty scared and ended up aborting so it's possible I'm simply so removed from attempting that my mental perception of it will be different than my actual experience trying to kill myself -- though I think drinking something like SN with proper setting like a clean hotel room would help with that. Sorry to hear about your struggles with thinking you'll be stuck in the limbo of ideation and not experiencing happiness.

 

[meetapple]

I fear that I will never get the courage. I lie down all day resolute about ctb and then I sort of just default back to existing.

 

[xkonstantinexx]

I haven't decided on a method yet purely out of the fear that I will not succeed.

 

[Neowise]

I think I am too used to the thought of ctbing to a point I have gotten somewhat immune to it. The first time I was talking about killing myself was at the age of 8 or 9 so I grew up with suicidal thoughts. To me, having suicidal thoughts is part of normal life and nothing I should worry about so I'm not sure if I can ever follow through.

 

[ClairyFairy]

I've damaged my body so much trying. It takes a lot to muster the strength to go through with it I don't think I can any more. I've got some serious issues atm. Probably from failing partial. I feel like I've been in an rta I have whiplash symptoms depending on how I move my head I may get a numb face or I feel a cloud decending. Its fucking awful. I can't bear to do it again. To fail again. I can't drink anything or do anything that takes planning or effort.

 

[blessed]

after the last person i have in my life inevitably leaves, i'll finally be able to ctb with no regrets. i already have my method and letters prepared. it's just a matter of time.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I have no idea what it can take for me to be able to finally do it. Maybe i will never be but what comes to mind as something that will be strong catalyst for me to do it is if both my parents are gone. I feel those days though that I am reaching the end of my rope so it is possible that something will throw me over the edge and make me do it

 

[BlankUser]

I thought I could do drowning, but now I'm not so sure. I mean, in the past month, I visited the spot where I'm planning to do it (I visited it several times) It was a night time, because I'm doing it at night, so no one sees me. And it was so scary... The water looked so uninviting, there was a fog, the wind was chilly... It was beautiful, but not comforting. I dreaded it. I thought to myself that I can't do it. Maybe it's because I didn't have benzos and wasn't drunk then, benzos + alcohol reduce my SI a lot and numb physical pain. But it's tough... I'm thinking of trying to obtain SN again. It's very hard where I live, idiotic customs seized my preworkout pills for the gym, those pills are available in supplement stores in most countries, then they seized over the counter sleeping pills with antihistamine. It's ridiculous. I can't afford to lose any more money... :( But I don't know what to do

 

[noname223]

My future is extremely horrible. So much horrible stuff will most likely inevitable happen. Just not sure how much torture it will take to finally do it. But I see no other way round tbh.

 

[seabed]

Wish there was a way to have a free trial of death. Like I could just go to someone and ask for a year's trial but come back completely mentally/physically intact. Feel like that would make the decision much clearer.

Isn't that what sleeping basically is?