Does anyone else not care if others love them?

[lostmilo]

I know it sounds selfish. I've been suicidal multiple times in my life before but it's never been this bad. Before people telling me that they loved me would temporarily numb the thoughts of suicide. But now I feel like I've gotten to the point that it doesn't mean anything to me. I know that I have friends that love me and they tell me that at random times mostly because they know how depressed I am and they are constantly worried when I don't reply to messages. I love then too and they are probably the best friends I've ever had but I can't help still wanting to cbt despite how many people 'love' me. My issue is with the world and my fucked up circumstances, not my relationships with others. I could literally be the most loved and famous and cherished and I would still wake up and research cbt methods everyday.

 

[orpheus_]

I felt this way at my worst and it made me feel guilty. Like, "all those people love you, why won't you just try to live for them?" - that thought appeared in my head all the time, and I felt like such a terrible person because I couldn't be grateful for the love they were giving me.
I guess when someone is suffering, there is a point when someone's love isn't enough to make them feel better.

Still, I feel like knowing that you are not alone helps a bit on a subconscious level. Now my life got a bit better in general, but I was kinda left alone by everyone and it hurts. It's just, when you have it it doesn't do much, but when you lose it - it hurts. For me, that is.

So like I said, sometimes being loved just isn't enough. You're not selfish for feeling this way. It's very hard to only live for others when life is difficult, in the long run it's even impossible, I'd say.

 

[daley]

Thanks for bringing up this topic!

I feel my situation has some similarities to yours. I don't really have friends, but I do have a brother and a sister,
and we have good relationships. I am sure they love me, but I don't feel that love "reaches" me somehow.
I guess I love them too. I wish them well. I bring cake when I come to eat at their house.
I try to have good relationships with their kids.

When my parents were alive, and I was about 10, I remember that I told them once that they don't
love me, and they laughed. I was perplexed. I though that I had said out loud some deep
truth about them and our relationship, and they would be shaken by outing it. But they
took it as a joke or manipulation. I didn't know what to make of it. After a very long time
I had come to the conclusion that they indeed loved me, but I didn't love them, and
I was projecting that on to them. Their love didn't "reach" me.

I don't know what to make of this. I hope that others, or @lostmilo can expand on it,
although I am not sure what @lostmilo described is similar to my experience.

Still, I feel like knowing that you are not alone helps a bit on a subconscious level. Now my life got a bit better in general, but I was kinda left alone by everyone and it hurts. It's just, when you have it it doesn't do much, but when you lose it - it hurts. For me, that is.

That resonates with me as well. For me, I feel that if I didn't have my brother and sister, I would be terribly alone.
That might stress me out, but I can feel comfortable not having contact with anybody for a month.
The feeling for human connection is weak, but it isn't completely gone.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't really care if people love me. I'm incapable of feeling love anyway

 

[daley]

I don't really care if people love me. I'm incapable of feeling love anyway

I was wondering whether we could figure out why is this so. Do we have any common traits that cause
us not to be able to feel love?

My mother had post-partum depression. Did that have anything to do with it?

The only times I really felt love is when I loved my younger brother, or when I loved the son of my ex.
I felt fulfilled by playing with them. Making them laugh and helping them grow. One theory I have
is the reason that I was able to feel love in these relationships was because I was not
subject to criticism. Being the "adult" in these relationships meant that I avoided being
criticized.

My father was critical of me, and I avoided contact with him altogether. Perhaps I
carried that behavior on to all adults.

Do you think any similar reasoning could be applied to you?
Do you have different theories of why you are unable to feel love?

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I was wondering whether we could figure out why is this so. Do we have any common traits that cause
us not to be able to feel love?

My mother had post-partum depression. Did that have anything to do with it?

The only times I really felt love is when I loved my younger brother, or when I loved the son of my ex.
I felt fulfilled by playing with them. Making them laugh and helping them grow. One theory I have
is the reason that I was able to feel love in these relationships was because I was not
subject to criticism. Being the "adult" in these relationships meant that I avoided being
criticized.

My father was critical of me, and I avoided contact with him altogether. Perhaps I
carried that behavior on to all adults.

Do you think any similar reasoning could be applied to you?
Do you have different theories of why you are unable to feel love?

In my case, I'm unable to feel love because of my neurotype since I'm autistic. We're both different and haven't approached love in the same way. I'm just incapable of feeling love due to my brain structure

 

[AmIForReal]

I am somewhat struggling with this too. Why don't I really care about the people I will undoubtedly hurt. I think because I never can be my true self around anybody (low self esteem with constant feeling of shame, also some degree of social anxiety ...). I wear a mask all the time.
Also except from one friend, nobody really shows me love. Meaning nobody goes out of their way. They like me sure, but everybody is busy etc.
My parents must love but we are a family that can't communicate. I don't think we have ever risen above small talk.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Conflicted... I care, but only to a small extent.

A longer answer: I used to have a small number of people (close friends) who I cared about greatly. One by one these friendships faded; some naturally, and others on more worse terms. I have heard others express their own similar experiences of losing those who they care about, and in over half of these discussions the responses usually involve the rejectee being given a lecture on how they cannot force other people to stay in their life, or how they must learn to deal with rejection; in other words: nobody is required to love us, even if we have strong feelings for them in the first place. If we are arguing by this same principle: it is not wrong to end our own lives without considering our loved ones, because otherwise this would imply that we must reciprocate the measure of care that our loved ones give to us.

A shorter answer: I used to have a constant feeling of guilt about those who might be upset by my passing, but then I remembered all of the people who I used to have a strong bond with, and they still moved on. This same feeling of guilt has since dimmed over time with each relationship that has vanished; there is hardly anyone left in my life to stay alive for anyway, and almost all of them are not close - barely even acquaintances.

People are temporary. Families die, and friends leave. Why should I care enough to stay for others, if they can leave at any time and without any care at all?

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah, I know what you mean. It's not that it means nothing. It's not that I don't appreciate it. It's not like I don't realise things would be even worse if no one said they loved me or cared.

For me, it's my Dad. He'll often tell me how much he loves me or, that I must take care of myself because I'm precious to him. Quite honestly though, it's more of a tether than anything else. He mostly loves me for who I was I think. I don't think people realise that, when we're struggling this much in life, that person is gone and what replaces it is just a whole bunch of pain that feels obligated to stay here because of them.

They may desperately hope that we get back to who they think we were but I think in many cases, people just don't.

 

[ngmi]

I WISH. Life would be so much easier if being unloved didn't hurt me so badly.

 

[babouflo201223]

I am somewhat struggling with this too. Why don't I really care about the people I will undoubtedly hurt. I think because I never can be my true self around anybody (low self esteem with constant feeling of shame, also some degree of social anxiety ...). I wear a mask all the time.
Also except from one friend, nobody really shows me love. Meaning nobody goes out of their way. They like me sure, but everybody is busy etc.
My parents must love but we are a family that can't communicate. I don't think we have ever risen above small talk.

And I'm a bit the same about these other points too : low self esteem, social anxiety and yes, the feeling is to wear a mask most of the time. Same situation with my parents. They must love but they don't know how to tell me, the few times they told me "we love you" it came from me in fact, not from them really. We can't communicate in fact, and it's like that since I was a child. I remember how much painful it was because I needed a lot an wanted a lot to communicate with them.

Et je suis un peu pareil sur ces autres points aussi : faible estime de soi, anxiété sociale et oui, le sentiment de porter un masque la plupart du temps. Même situation avec mes parents. Ils doivent aimer mais ils ne savent pas me le dire, les quelques fois où ils m'ont dit "on t'aime" ça venait de moi en fait, pas d'eux en fait. On ne peut pas communiquer en fait, et c'est comme ça depuis que je suis enfant. Je me souviens à quel point c'était douloureux parce que j'avais beaucoup besoin et envie de communiquer avec eux.

Now, my parents are aware that I think to CTB and they told me "it's selfish ! Do you think about us ?" I answered : "are you sure that you wouldn't feel relieved once I would be dead ? Are you able to tell me "we love you, son " ? " And indeed, it's impossible for them to give clearly an answer except saying again "CTB is selfish ! If you do that, you're selfish". Another time, they told me : "if you do that, just not tell us before, we don't want to know." So, is it absolutely important that I don't go to CTB just because of them ? I don't know.

 

[depthss]

yeah i used to care a lot more about being liked, having friends, etc, but now i dont really care at all. i kind of just dont give a shit what people think of me now, i have no interest in making friends. i dont think ill feel guilty in the slightest if my suicide ends up bothering some people, though i doubt people will really care at all lol