If the question is if I love the idea of suicide, my answer is no. I honestly hate it.
At the beginning to have these kind of thoughts scared me very much, I have fought them and refuse them for long time.
Now I am at a diffrerent stage, I try to understand them and maybe accept them as a part of who I am. I am also trying to get to know more about it - this forum is helping me a lot with it. Since I have them, and they are still painful, the best I can do is trying to get to know more about the topic.
Still I would rather not having them, because they are a source of pain for me.
I feel I cannot committ to life, and this is pushing me back from trying to live.
It is a weird feeling.