I don't really want to kill my only living parent, i just want to inflict serious harm to them. A serious, permanent injury, something that forces them to hate me as much as i hate them for the rest of their lives. That would be glorious, the perfect catharsis. This awful, soul-consuming rage inside me that pops up every now and then would get a justified target. When i feel like this, and think about doing it, there is this feeling of peace that always follows the thought.
I would of course have to CTB immediately afterwards. This is the only problem in my plan, doing something of this magnitude with several conscious and unconscious effects to my mental health could cause me to momentarily totally flip the switch. I could get a sudden rush of will to live for example, and that would land me in jail for a long time. Or what if i failed to CTB, and still ended up in jail, possibly with serious injuries of my own? I kind of want to avoid that, life has been boring and uncomfortable enough as it is. So it's safer to me just to CTB without any violence when the time comes. It's still something i think about a lot.
It bothers me that i can't talk to anyone about this, that's why i posted this here. I can't just go to some therapist and tell him/her that i would want to do something like this. That could land me in trouble. I mean, I'm sure that many people have similar thoughts. But i've envisioned it, had dreams about it, planned it, i have the means to do it, ive done just about everything except actually done it. I want to be crystal clear here. I would do it if it wouldn't land me in jail. It is the only way for me to get my catharsis. Over the years, I've known a few assholes i would probably enjoy hurting up to some extent. There is this one shitbag i know who i could probably kill without feeling almost any remorse. But there would be no passion in it, he didn't really manage to take anything that important from me. I just happen to know that he is a such shitty person that killing him would very likely be doing a service to the whole world. But there would be nothing in it for me, really. I'm not generally a sadistic person, on the contrary.
There is no justice in the world. Its pretty rare that people actually deserve violence like this to be directed towards them. But these people put me in here. They flipped the coin, and the result was me. Oops. Better luck next time. And they get away with it. In fact, I should be thankful to them, for existing. Thankful that I got to witness this burning shitpile that is the human world. Thankful that I get to look in the mirror to my sick, ugly face every day. I'm sure my parents never meant any harm to me. Based on what i know about people and parenting, they were actually at least average parents all things considered. But so what? If they didn't know what they was doing was stupid and wrong when they had me, then someone needs to teach them.
I would of course have to CTB immediately afterwards. This is the only problem in my plan, doing something of this magnitude with several conscious and unconscious effects to my mental health could cause me to momentarily totally flip the switch. I could get a sudden rush of will to live for example, and that would land me in jail for a long time. Or what if i failed to CTB, and still ended up in jail, possibly with serious injuries of my own? I kind of want to avoid that, life has been boring and uncomfortable enough as it is. So it's safer to me just to CTB without any violence when the time comes. It's still something i think about a lot.
It bothers me that i can't talk to anyone about this, that's why i posted this here. I can't just go to some therapist and tell him/her that i would want to do something like this. That could land me in trouble. I mean, I'm sure that many people have similar thoughts. But i've envisioned it, had dreams about it, planned it, i have the means to do it, ive done just about everything except actually done it. I want to be crystal clear here. I would do it if it wouldn't land me in jail. It is the only way for me to get my catharsis. Over the years, I've known a few assholes i would probably enjoy hurting up to some extent. There is this one shitbag i know who i could probably kill without feeling almost any remorse. But there would be no passion in it, he didn't really manage to take anything that important from me. I just happen to know that he is a such shitty person that killing him would very likely be doing a service to the whole world. But there would be nothing in it for me, really. I'm not generally a sadistic person, on the contrary.
There is no justice in the world. Its pretty rare that people actually deserve violence like this to be directed towards them. But these people put me in here. They flipped the coin, and the result was me. Oops. Better luck next time. And they get away with it. In fact, I should be thankful to them, for existing. Thankful that I got to witness this burning shitpile that is the human world. Thankful that I get to look in the mirror to my sick, ugly face every day. I'm sure my parents never meant any harm to me. Based on what i know about people and parenting, they were actually at least average parents all things considered. But so what? If they didn't know what they was doing was stupid and wrong when they had me, then someone needs to teach them.
