Does anyone else have this specific type of anxious episode?

[blacktrain98]

I wouldn't describe it as general overload, but it's in that vein. Basically it feel like everything I see triggers a negative association in my head. It's a very rapid type of episode too. One time it happened in public. I was walking down the street with my then-partner and staring at the sidewalk, half-covering my eyes. Whenever I saw a dog, a street sign, a person, a tree, a bug, a piece of garbage, or anything, my mind would relate it to a painful memory or thought within a millisecond. My eye would dart to the next object, and the cycle would repeat. I would look up for two seconds and have ten bad thoughts go through my head.

These moments coincide with my worst moments battling with suicide. I basically have to sh for any chance of snapping out of it. When I'm with another person it results in a really embarrassing, rapid-fire type meltdown, where I can't be talked to at all. Only sh (obviously in private) pulls me out.

Does anyone else have similar moments? I got ADHD so maybe it's just a weird cocktail of mental issues. It would be nice if some people could relate, though. Again, it's really embarrassing, and I hate being this way. Nothing really even "starts" it... I just feel a physical switch in my brain turn on and I can't turn it off without attacking my body.

 

[iDieUDie80]

Sometimes, when participating in a conversation, or watching a TV show or movie, my OCD can make an unwanted thought out of any of that content. That's the closest thing I can think of. Sorry you have to go through that and hope you figure it out.

 

[Stick]

I wouldn't describe it as general overload, but it's in that vein. Basically it feel like everything I see triggers a negative association in my head. It's a very rapid type of episode too. One time it happened in public. I was walking down the street with my then-partner and staring at the sidewalk, half-covering my eyes. Whenever I saw a dog, a street sign, a person, a tree, a bug, a piece of garbage, or anything, my mind would relate it to a painful memory or thought within a millisecond. My eye would dart to the next object, and the cycle would repeat. I would look up for two seconds and have ten bad thoughts go through my head.

These moments coincide with my worst moments battling with suicide. I basically have to sh for any chance of snapping out of it. When I'm with another person it results in a really embarrassing, rapid-fire type meltdown, where I can't be talked to at all. Only sh (obviously in private) pulls me out.

Does anyone else have similar moments? I got ADHD so maybe it's just a weird cocktail of mental issues. It would be nice if some people could relate, though. Again, it's really embarrassing, and I hate being this way. Nothing really even "starts" it... I just feel a physical switch in my brain turn on and I can't turn it off without attacking my body.

I had this exactly! Although I had some happy memories too, but the process of remembering them were so awful and overstimulating. The first time I experienced I had a panic attack. I don't self harm anymore but when they were happening it was too much for me and I would have to leave where I was to be alone. They started on my last birthday and didn't stop for about a month. For me, my therapist told me they were flashbacks.

I'm not a psychologist or anything, so take this with a grain of salt, but my therapist told me that my flashbacks were essentially trying to tell me something. When I experienced those memories, there was something my brain couldn't process at the time that I am now able to. I figured it out pretty quickly what it was for me, and a while after that they grew less intense, and now I haven't had one like that for a few weeks. Maybe, if you figure out what these thoughts are trying to tell you, and it may be multiple things, it can help you get through them. But please talk to a therapist about this if you are able and willing to, because I am not you and it may be due to something else.

 

[Captive of Mind]

I wouldn't describe it as general overload, but it's in that vein. Basically it feel like everything I see triggers a negative association in my head. It's a very rapid type of episode too. One time it happened in public. I was walking down the street with my then-partner and staring at the sidewalk, half-covering my eyes. Whenever I saw a dog, a street sign, a person, a tree, a bug, a piece of garbage, or anything, my mind would relate it to a painful memory or thought within a millisecond. My eye would dart to the next object, and the cycle would repeat. I would look up for two seconds and have ten bad thoughts go through my head.

These moments coincide with my worst moments battling with suicide. I basically have to sh for any chance of snapping out of it. When I'm with another person it results in a really embarrassing, rapid-fire type meltdown, where I can't be talked to at all. Only sh (obviously in private) pulls me out.

Does anyone else have similar moments? I got ADHD so maybe it's just a weird cocktail of mental issues. It would be nice if some people could relate, though. Again, it's really embarrassing, and I hate being this way. Nothing really even "starts" it... I just feel a physical switch in my brain turn on and I can't turn it off without attacking my body.

Jeeze, this disorder is quite the doozy. My heart goes out to you, this shit is painful

I don't think I've seen anyone else talking about this, but what you described is something that happens to me too. Only I don't self harm. I just wait it out. It also gives me a sense that everyone I interact with irl is malevolent or is at least not having good intentions. All of this is pretty consistent for me throughout every day on a mild level and sometimes it ramps up into an intense attack. I've been describing it as paranoia and panic attacks, but I have no clue what is actually happening.

Tell me if you get this part too, I've been having trouble trying to explain this side of it. When the most intense attacks come on, an energy starts building up inside of me and if feels like I'm going to explode, like my body will burst. It's like there is a train running through me and it is almost paralyzing. It seizes up my mind. If I'm alone I will scream, cry, and repeat things like "get me out of here". It especially effects my head at times and it feels like my brain is in a blender or has been beaten and is exposed. It is REALLY difficult to get across to someone what it is like and any description of it seems to not capture it quite right, this is just the closest description I could think of.

 

[Stick]

Tell me if you get this part too, I've been having trouble trying to explain this side of it. When the most intense attacks come on, an energy starts building up inside of me and if feels like I'm going to explode, like my body will burst. It's like there is a train running through me and it is almost paralyzing. It seizes up my mind. If I'm alone I will scream, cry, and repeat things like "get me out of here". It especially effects my head at times and it feels like my brain is in a blender or has been beaten and is exposed. It is REALLY difficult to get across to someone what it is like and any description of it seems to not capture it quite right, this is just the closest description I could think of.

I think I feel this too. For me, it's a bit more like something in me is expanding and moving? As if there was too much blood inside me and it's trying to escape

 

[Captive of Mind]

I think I feel this too. For me, it's a bit more like something in me is expanding and moving? As if there was too much blood inside me and it's trying to escape

Yes! The "too much blood inside trying to escape" is when I feel like I'm going to explode. And the train running through me is like the overflow of blood rushing through my veins. That actually is a better way of describing it, but it doesn't get across the paralyzing, seizing nature of the event as much.

 

[blacktrain98]

I had this exactly! Although I had some happy memories too, but the process of remembering them were so awful and overstimulating. The first time I experienced I had a panic attack. I don't self harm anymore but when they were happening it was too much for me and I would have to leave where I was to be alone. They started on my last birthday and didn't stop for about a month. For me, my therapist told me they were flashbacks.

I'm not a psychologist or anything, so take this with a grain of salt, but my therapist told me that my flashbacks were essentially trying to tell me something. When I experienced those memories, there was something my brain couldn't process at the time that I am now able to. I figured it out pretty quickly what it was for me, and a while after that they grew less intense, and now I haven't had one like that for a few weeks. Maybe, if you figure out what these thoughts are trying to tell you, and it may be multiple things, it can help you get through them. But please talk to a therapist about this if you are able and willing to, because I am not you and it may be due to something else.

Give me that free therapist advice loool. I've talked to a couple people in the past, but one was generally off and the other sounded like she was recruiting me for a cult by the end of the first sesh. So both busts there.

If I had to guess what I was "telling" myself, it would be something along the lines of "there is too much happening and it feels like everything/object in the world is evil". Like if I saw a happy person I would say "how dare they", if I saw a honeybee I would think "it's dying". I guess it's more specifically just a general distrust and doubt for everything? I'm not a nihilist or anything, but I definitely have trust issues. So that might be the true root of what causes these episodes. Thank you! It's nice to hear that someone can relate.

Jeeze, this disorder is quite the doozy. My heart goes out to you, this shit is painful

I don't think I've seen anyone else talking about this, but what you described is something that happens to me too. Only I don't self harm. I just wait it out. It also gives me a sense that everyone I interact with irl is malevolent or is at least not having good intentions. All of this is pretty consistent for me throughout every day on a mild level and sometimes it ramps up into an intense attack. I've been describing it as paranoia and panic attacks, but I have no clue what is actually happening.

Tell me if you get this part too, I've been having trouble trying to explain this side of it. When the most intense attacks come on, an energy starts building up inside of me and if feels like I'm going to explode, like my body will burst. It's like there is a train running through me and it is almost paralyzing. It seizes up my mind. If I'm alone I will scream, cry, and repeat things like "get me out of here". It especially effects my head at times and it feels like my brain is in a blender or has been beaten and is exposed. It is REALLY difficult to get across to someone what it is like and any description of it seems to not capture it quite right, this is just the closest description I could think of.

yes! I can relate. It's like my brain just physically turns off, and I lose control of my body. Sort of like fight or flight, but not really. It's just a totally different mode. It climbs like a rollercoaster. If I do say words they are "stop" or "I don't want this". I know what's about to happen as I'm climbing, but I'm never able to actually stop it. I've tried sticking ice cubes in my mouth, microdosing, or distractions, but that just puts off the inevitable drop. It's like I need to get it out of my body sooner or later, like I need to puke but I'm holding it in. I realized with Stick's comment that it IS definitely a type of distrust and malevolence surrounding the entire experience. Paranoia is a great word and I feel like a dumbass for not remembering it exists haha. It's a very intimate, trap-like experience. It's totally within your body, but your brain has no control over it, it's totally physical.

 

[Captive of Mind]

Give me that free therapist advice loool. I've talked to a couple people in the past, but one was generally off and the other sounded like she was recruiting me for a cult by the end of the first sesh. So both busts there.

If I had to guess what I was "telling" myself, it would be something along the lines of "there is too much happening and it feels like everything/object in the world is evil". Like if I saw a happy person I would say "how dare they", if I saw a honeybee I would think "it's dying". I guess it's more specifically just a general distrust and doubt for everything? I'm not a nihilist or anything, but I definitely have trust issues. So that might be the true root of what causes these episodes. Thank you! It's nice to hear that someone can relate.


yes! I can relate. It's like my brain just physically turns off, and I lose control of my body. Sort of like fight or flight, but not really. It's just a totally different mode. It climbs like a rollercoaster. If I do say words they are "stop" or "I don't want this". I know what's about to happen as I'm climbing, but I'm never able to actually stop it. I've tried sticking ice cubes in my mouth, microdosing, or distractions, but that just puts off the inevitable drop. It's like I need to get it out of my body sooner or later, like I need to puke but I'm holding it in. I realized with Stick's comment that it IS definitely a type of distrust and malevolence surrounding the entire experience. Paranoia is a great word and I feel like a dumbass for not remembering it exists haha. It's a very intimate, trap-like experience. It's totally within your body, but your brain has no control over it, it's totally physical.

Wow man, you word this so well. So often I feel like there isn't anyone that could relate and seeing this post was a sigh of relief. I think you both are accurate in saying it is distrust of others, but I also think this is for good reason. Sure, I acknowledge that I have mental disorders that amplify this and make blow it out of proportion, but people in general do and say things to mess with others. Even if they are slight, it is the consistency of it. And not to say that we should react to other people who are fucking with me because I wish I could just be like everyone else and ignore it. What's weird is that it has spilled over from just coming from interactions with other people and now comes in the form of anything and everything I take in with the senses.

 

[Brokensaddle]

I wouldn't describe it as general overload, but it's in that vein. Basically it feel like everything I see triggers a negative association in my head. It's a very rapid type of episode too. One time it happened in public. I was walking down the street with my then-partner and staring at the sidewalk, half-covering my eyes. Whenever I saw a dog, a street sign, a person, a tree, a bug, a piece of garbage, or anything, my mind would relate it to a painful memory or thought within a millisecond. My eye would dart to the next object, and the cycle would repeat. I would look up for two seconds and have ten bad thoughts go through my head.

These moments coincide with my worst moments battling with suicide. I basically have to sh for any chance of snapping out of it. When I'm with another person it results in a really embarrassing, rapid-fire type meltdown, where I can't be talked to at all. Only sh (obviously in private) pulls me out.

Does anyone else have similar moments? I got ADHD so maybe it's just a weird cocktail of mental issues. It would be nice if some people could relate, though. Again, it's really embarrassing, and I hate being this way. Nothing really even "starts" it... I just feel a physical switch in my brain turn on and I can't turn it off without attacking my body.

I just end up pacing around, if I'm really bad I shake and my hands flap because of my autism. I also keeping playing out the bad situation out in my mind again constantly.