heheb27595
Member
- Nov 20, 2019
- 94
Sweet emotion
Enlightened
- Sep 14, 2019
- 1,325
I have 2 daughters (6&4) and they are what keep me hanging on through the mental and physical pain. My struggle is that I grew up with a mom that was basically bed ridden, depressed and addicted to opioids because of undiagnosed RA and other conditions. I harbored so much anger with her over the years, developing my own depression and disorders into adulthood that I now see in a new light and with tremendous guilt at 36 as my body has begun to show almost the exact signs and progression. My daughters are surprised if I'm feeling well enough to join them at the park or swimming, or I don't have a migraine. They are more used to me weighing them down than helping them soar; and the worst part is- they don't know how much I WANT to be out there doing everything with them. I can't hear them laugh, protect them, teach them or correct/punish bad behavior from bed or the dr office. They are too young to understand mommy isn't choosing "sleep" over them even though I try to explain it. I've gone to countless doctors, PT, therapists- it's impossible to juggle it all and attempt a successful career, friendships and marriage. 2 of my 3 siblings are diagnosed bi-polar which casts a stigma on every move I make or though I have; externally and internally. It's a constant feeling of fight or flight, knowing I'm dropping the ball and letting everyone down, holding them back and being selfish for thinking about my pain, my feelings.
I know the girls would be devastated. I think about big moments, or any moments in the future; where they ask themselves "why didn't she love me enough to stay? Why didn't she fight harder?" Where in my mind I'm seeing it as I love you too much to leave you with a life of "why can't she get out of bed" "why can't you be like the other moms?" Because I know what it's like and I can already see my future. They deserve SO much more. When I had them I was insanely healthy. I worked out and took care of myself in order to avoid becoming my mother because I thought a lot of it WAS self inflicted with some personal choices like smoking and diet. Turns out, life's a big ol' B and swatted me of my high horse as I probably deserved.
I want the cycle of depression and self loathing to end with me. My husband and his family are opposite and won't raise the girls with that mindset if I'm gone. But I am worried bc I've read kids of parents that die from ctb have a x3 higher risk of doing it themselves. I like the idea of them thinking it was an accident or natural cause until they are a little older to understand — if this was something I'd consider taking more seriously. I've tried unsuccessfully last year — after an emotional night/fight with a friend and then my husband who I'd both told about feeling suicidal. The "friend" told me only I could help myself (geee thanks) and my husband told me to figure things out-get myself checked in somewhere or he was going to divorce me. I swallowed 30 tabs of 5mg ambien and prayed that with the 4 glasses of wine I'd had that night I wouldn't wake up.
No dice.
Since that day I still think about it all the time. I try to find recovery too but I'd like to have the option available to me; and an effective one if the time comes. I'm really glad I found this site and Other people to talk to openly about this without being shamed or pushed in one direction or the other.
I know the girls would be devastated. I think about big moments, or any moments in the future; where they ask themselves "why didn't she love me enough to stay? Why didn't she fight harder?" Where in my mind I'm seeing it as I love you too much to leave you with a life of "why can't she get out of bed" "why can't you be like the other moms?" Because I know what it's like and I can already see my future. They deserve SO much more. When I had them I was insanely healthy. I worked out and took care of myself in order to avoid becoming my mother because I thought a lot of it WAS self inflicted with some personal choices like smoking and diet. Turns out, life's a big ol' B and swatted me of my high horse as I probably deserved.
I want the cycle of depression and self loathing to end with me. My husband and his family are opposite and won't raise the girls with that mindset if I'm gone. But I am worried bc I've read kids of parents that die from ctb have a x3 higher risk of doing it themselves. I like the idea of them thinking it was an accident or natural cause until they are a little older to understand — if this was something I'd consider taking more seriously. I've tried unsuccessfully last year — after an emotional night/fight with a friend and then my husband who I'd both told about feeling suicidal. The "friend" told me only I could help myself (geee thanks) and my husband told me to figure things out-get myself checked in somewhere or he was going to divorce me. I swallowed 30 tabs of 5mg ambien and prayed that with the 4 glasses of wine I'd had that night I wouldn't wake up.
No dice.
Since that day I still think about it all the time. I try to find recovery too but I'd like to have the option available to me; and an effective one if the time comes. I'm really glad I found this site and Other people to talk to openly about this without being shamed or pushed in one direction or the other.
Sunshine
Experienced
- Jan 11, 2019
- 204
I don't think people with an inclination for strong depression should ever have children. Really, I don't get why people who often struggled with this and had suicidal thoughts would go ahead and make babies. It's so selfish and thoughtless. Not only do you expose other innocent people to a forced life, but you also play with their whole future and mental health by making them experience a loved ones suicide. People are really.... special these days.
It's obviously different for people who developed their suicidal thoughts AFTER having the child through sudden illness or strokes of fate. But for a lot of them, they already knew or struggled with depression before. Like me, and that's why I would never have a child. I know I'm not well and don't want to pass on my genetics nor make a child potentially suffer through all of this mess called life.
It's obviously different for people who developed their suicidal thoughts AFTER having the child through sudden illness or strokes of fate. But for a lot of them, they already knew or struggled with depression before. Like me, and that's why I would never have a child. I know I'm not well and don't want to pass on my genetics nor make a child potentially suffer through all of this mess called life.
I don't have children. I remember having miscarriages and I don't think I would ever be able to carry past the 2nd trimester. I nipped all that in the bud when I fought for and won the right to have a complete hysterectomy w/oophorectomy. My periods were brutal and more than once a month and I couldn't imagine trying to raise a child while dealing with that, let alone form a stable relationship with another adult.
I do have a cat and I think she would be hurt if I were to kill myself. She gets herself into a lot of trouble when I'm at the line so I'll play with her. She knows.
However, there's a big difference between a cat that will be loved and cared for by my roommate and a child.
I have no idea how anyone could go about setting up a good support system for the kid. I guess it's one thing if the child knows the parent is dying from a disease like cancer, but Western society doesn't make exceptions for people suffering from mental illness or "hidden" disorders or diseases.
I do not envy you parents. I'm holding all of you in my heart.
I do have a cat and I think she would be hurt if I were to kill myself. She gets herself into a lot of trouble when I'm at the line so I'll play with her. She knows.
However, there's a big difference between a cat that will be loved and cared for by my roommate and a child.
I have no idea how anyone could go about setting up a good support system for the kid. I guess it's one thing if the child knows the parent is dying from a disease like cancer, but Western society doesn't make exceptions for people suffering from mental illness or "hidden" disorders or diseases.
I do not envy you parents. I'm holding all of you in my heart.
You realize we already feel horrible and awful and selfish for thinking of even putting our children in this position don't you? Unfortunately some of us didn't have the crystal ball you did or maybe we were too caught up thinking about ourselves or that our lives were worth living at the time, or that having children would give us the chance to do things differently and discover unconditional love and belonging. Whatever our reasons were to have kids and yours were not to seem similar to the choices we are talking about here. Not right or wrong, just specific to each person and their story and situation.
JohnUK
Student
- Feb 15, 2019
- 147
Yes. Basically she said in a note that if I can't have my son then no one will. So she basically jumped with him by her side to their deaths
Sweet emotion
Enlightened
- Sep 14, 2019
- 1,325
Sunshine
Experienced
- Jan 11, 2019
- 204
Putting children into this world is probably one (if not THE) most serious thing one can do. Sorry, but I have not a lot of compassion for people who thoughtlessly had babies without putting some very serious thought into it for many years. The fact that you do a gamble with a child's life and think "well maybe the child will give me meaning and make me less depressed!" is so irresponsible from my perspective. Not only do you pass on your genetics to your child (and there's a high connection for depression or other mental illnesses for the child then) but also condemn them to experience some level of trauma. Even if you try your hardest, if you're not happy children can pick up on it on some level. If they witness suicide or suicide attempts, even worse.
I don't want to kick you when you're down and I don't know your specific circumstances, but I still stand by this opinion in a general sense. Parents should not have children if they have a history of depression and suicidal ideation. They will only perpetuate the cycle of depression to the next generation. I will never have children because of that reason.
