Discussion Does anyone else have any trouble accepting things like compliments?

[KuroiSH]

It feels like self sabotage to distrust others on things like these, but at the same time, why would anyone say anything good about me? It feels like they're just being nice but they don't really mean it...

It's not like I'm a bad person, but I don't stand out either... what could I have done to deserve praise? I don't get strangers on the internet who care about me, because they've never met me nor do they know me, but I still feel really happy when it happens, almost like I'm being validated now as a grown up, after so many years.

This might be yap as the younger people say, but I'd genuinely like to hear your guys' input, because I really would like to know if it's a me thing or not.

Is there something wrong with me (more so than what is already wrong?)

 

[godsseepiestsoldier]

Nothing wrong with you i relate completly. Even small compliments like thats a nice phone or even a simple thanks just makes me feel so disgusted and makes me shrink away. I get that feeling of theres nothing to complement about me but its also like kind words in general just make me recoil. Probably waffled a bit in the end but oh well lol

 

[LetMeBeSad]

You're not alone. Compliments to me seem suspicious. When people start complimenting me I get really paranoid. Like what is this person buttering me up for. It also just makes me really uncomfortable.

 

[Visitor_]

I understand you. Each time my gf calls me handsome or beautiful i say "no im not stop lying to me"

 

[TapeMachine]

Genuine compliments: I appreciate those. I love that someone has taken a moment out of their day to express a kindness toward me; and I love to express the same toward others.

But flattery for that other person's gain? Get outta my face with that crap. I'm highly suspicious of flattery from people who only seem to want something from me.

I can usually tell the difference these days; but I've undoubtedly been fooled before.

 

[puella]

what could I have done to deserve praise?

I don't think anyone needs to do anything to deserve praise. Kindness is just something everyone deserves unconditionally.

Depression can make me think I am a burden on others. I end up convincing myself that I deserve to be isolated and alone.

A thought experiment that helps me is imagining myself as someone else. I picture someone feeling all of the suffering I've felt, crying and hurting just like I have. I love this person, and I know I don't need a reason to. I want to give them a hug and make everything okay. Why was I ever being mean to them?

 

[LonelyPlanetBoy]

I don't think there is something wrong with you. A lot depends on the people who say the compliment and if it's meant seriously. Some might just say it because the want something in return. And others mean it because for them it's true and they want to say thank you for being this way, if that makes sense.

For me it was quite uncomfortable to receive them in the past but now it got better. I usually just thank the other person for it.

 

[Anonymoususer1234]

It feels like self sabotage to distrust others on things like these, but at the same time, why would anyone say anything good about me? It feels like they're just being nice but they don't really mean it...

It's not like I'm a bad person, but I don't stand out either... what could I have done to deserve praise? I don't get strangers on the internet who care about me, because they've never met me nor do they know me, but I still feel really happy when it happens, almost like I'm being validated now as a grown up, after so many years.

This might be yap as the younger people say, but I'd genuinely like to hear your guys' input, because I really would like to know if it's a me thing or not.

Is there something wrong with me (more so than what is already wrong?)

I feel this. I've gotten good at acting greatful and just accepting compliments when people do give them to me but they never actually stick. I never actually feel like the compliments I get are earned or true. I'm just not noteworthy.

 

[Is0lated]

It feels like self sabotage to distrust others on things like these, but at the same time, why would anyone say anything good about me? It feels like they're just being nice but they don't really mean it...

It's not like I'm a bad person, but I don't stand out either... what could I have done to deserve praise? I don't get strangers on the internet who care about me, because they've never met me nor do they know me, but I still feel really happy when it happens, almost like I'm being validated now as a grown up, after so many years.

This might be yap as the younger people say, but I'd genuinely like to hear your guys' input, because I really would like to know if it's a me thing or not.

Is there something wrong with me (more so than what is already wrong?)

I have BPD so I can't help but feel like whenever people are being nice they have ill intentions iykwim . It just doesn't sit right with me. Online or offline it just feels bitter sweet

 

[KuroiSH]

You're not alone. Compliments to me seem suspicious. When people start complimenting me I get really paranoid. Like what is this person buttering me up for. It also just makes me really uncomfortable.

Right? It makes no sense... do they want to use me for something or manipulate me somehow? It's all so confusing...

I understand you. Each time my gf calls me handsome or beautiful i say "no im not stop lying to me"

If I ever get a girlfriend (never) this is probably going to be one of my biggest issues . I hate my body but it doesn't necessarily mean other people do too.

Genuine compliments: I appreciate those. I love that someone has taken a moment out of their day to express a kindness toward me; and I love to express the same toward others.

But flattery for that other person's gain? Get outta my face with that crap. I'm highly suspicious of flattery from people who only seem to want something from me.

I can usually tell the difference these days; but I've undoubtedly been fooled before.

Excuse my ignorance, but how can you usually tell the difference? I like to trust others since they've done nothing wrong to me, but at the same time, I'm really paranoid about everything for that very reason.

I don't think anyone needs to do anything to deserve praise. Kindness is just something everyone deserves unconditionally.

Depression can make me think I am a burden on others. I end up convincing myself that I deserve to be isolated and alone.

A thought experiment that helps me is imagining myself as someone else. I picture someone feeling all of the suffering I've felt, crying and hurting just like I have. I love this person, and I know I don't need a reason to. I want to give them a hug and make everything okay. Why was I ever being mean to them?

I remember you... you left a nice comment on my last post, thanks for that; however, now that you're on this post too, don't feel personally attacked. I'm just talking about people in general, not just you.

I think one of the hardest things for us humans is doing unto yourself what you do to others, be it kindness or cruelty. Sometimes it's very hard to accept you "deserve good things", like in my case, but you don't hesitate to be kind to others; or cruel, as in the case of murderers. In that sense, I guess you could call me a murderer - I've taken the life of my self-love. It's almost poetic, ironically.

I have BPD so I can't help but feel like whenever people are being nice they have ill intentions iykwim . It just doesn't sit right with me. Online or offline it just feels bitter sweet

I am not medically diagnosed bpd, but I'm pretty sure I have it, so I feel this on a personal level. Compliments feel bittersweet and hollow, as if they're just formalities done to save face and keep a good image, but not because they actually mean it.

 

[icari]

Yes, it tends to relate specifically to a kind of paranoia I have that others secretly do not tell me the truth about how they view me. I've always considered this to potentially be a sign of some kind of personality disorder such as schizotypal, from what I've read online. It's always glossed over by NHS psychiatry though despite it seeming to me to be somewhat distinct from regular anxiety and bipolar 2 symptoms (my diagnoses), and additionally being a significant factor in precipitating those two issues.

 

[TapeMachine]

Excuse my ignorance, but how can you usually tell the difference? I like to trust others since they've done nothing wrong to me, but at the same time, I'm really paranoid about everything for that very reason.

I'm not great at explaining things, but I'll do my best.

Flattery vs Genuine Compliment:

-Flattery is defined as "excessive or insincere praise" and is often a tool of manipulation used to appeal to the ego of the person being complimented/praised, with the intent of gaining something from the person (such as: a job promotion, getting in the bed with the person, getting that person to do something for or give something to the manipulator).

-Whereas, a genuine compliment is more of..people just appreciating other people and lifting them up without seeking the gain of anything selfish from the interaction.

Does that make sense?

How to tell the difference: I'm not sure what to say here. I suppose you just learn to recognize the signs of insincerity over time?

There's no need to become excessively paranoid about it though. My advice to you is: Don't compromise your inherent trust and kindness by assuming everyone is out to get you, because there are good people out there who are worthy of your trust and kindness, and it'd he a shame to run them off with unwarranted distrust.

 

[Lostandlooking]

I have a hard time accepting compliments as well. In my mind I just dismiss it. And I guess it's a survival mechanism. If you don't think too highly of yourself you won't be as disappointed when people are unkind. Because it was always kinda expected. At the same time I think it's very important to give compliments. You never know what might stick. Maybe someone says just the right thing and you can start believing in yourself a bit more.

Strangers on the internet giving compliments is a weird thing. We don't really know each other. But it comes from a place where someone knows themselves how it feels to be critized. And then consciously deciding to put some positivity out into the world. Even if there's a lot of unknowns. Compliments from strangers are an expression of their wish to be kind. (can sometimes be a bit too much too. I'm fine with it as long as it is somewhat realistic)

There's nothing wrong with you. Criticism can have a huge impact on people. And it can lead to not being able to accept compliments. So even though we don't know each other I wish you well. Because I think that's an important thing to do. To be kind.

(threre will always be manipulative people, so it's inportant to stay vigilant. A litte bit of doubt isn't a bad thing and can protect you from bad things happening)

Edit: (spelling)

 

[quietly_gone]

I only accept a compliment if I have it as fact before the person even says anything. If I leave the house feeling like I look good on a specific pair of jeans and someone compliments me on it then I say "thanks" genuinely. But if I wear it and I feel horrible, or if I feel like I'm performing horribly on a task, I only say "thanks" out of politness. I guess in the end I only accept compliments from myself lmao

There's also this weird feeling of "am I fooling this person into thinking I look good/doing well?" which makes me unable to accept their compliments. I can only accept it when I've proven to myself that it is indeed true (and most of the time, I can't)

 

[flower_g1rl]

no, i enjoy them, its nice when someone has something good to say about me. grounding, in between of constant negative self talk. you might be suffering from very low self esteem. i do too, still, i try to enjoy the compliments i get

 

[Rack.-]

no, i enjoy them, its nice when someone has something good to say about me. grounding, in between of constant negative self talk. you might be suffering from very low self esteem. i do too, still, i try to enjoy the compliments i get

Yeah that's true but like sometimes it feels like I don't deserve to feel good about. Idunno it's difficult...

 

[KuroiSH]

There's also this weird feeling of "am I fooling this person into thinking I look good/doing well?" which makes me unable to accept their compliments. I can only accept it when I've proven to myself that it is indeed true (and most of the time, I can't)

This is honestly so relatable. It feels like I'm lying to them somehow, and it's really made me have such a low opinion of myself.

 

[madge1]

It feels like self sabotage to distrust others on things like these, but at the same time, why would anyone say anything good about me? It feels like they're just being nice but they don't really mean it...

It's not like I'm a bad person, but I don't stand out either... what could I have done to deserve praise? I don't get strangers on the internet who care about me, because they've never met me nor do they know me, but I still feel really happy when it happens, almost like I'm being validated now as a grown up, after so many years.

This might be yap as the younger people say, but I'd genuinely like to hear your guys' input, because I really would like to know if it's a me thing or not.

Is there something wrong with me (more so than what is already wrong?)

It not you nobody really takes the time to get to know people its a quick chat then back on technology if someone does praise you it's ok it's lovely when people do recognize that you have done or said something I don't take like being praised I always think that they want something in return

 

[ThanatopicFugue]

Compliments from strangers always feel awkward, but depending on the compliment it can be nice. I have trouble taking compliments myself, but it's nice when people notice when I put effort into things and compliment my work or something I put effort into.

 

[finalrequiem]

They always feel double-edged. Growing up people would "compliment" me or pretend to ask me out. I was never receptive to these externally but it still hurt to be a target for no reason. All these years later I still really dislike any kind of praise or even basic displays of kindness. I always feel so suspicious.

 

[W3akCr3atur3]

I don't really get suspicious, but I can't properly accept any compliments. I always reply with "no, thanks, but nah" et cetera. I can't accept the fact that someone is genuinely grateful to me or compliments me. It just feels like I don't deserve it every time

 

[KuroiSH]

They always feel double-edged. Growing up people would "compliment" me or pretend to ask me out. I was never receptive to these externally but it still hurt to be a target for no reason. All these years later I still really dislike any kind of praise or even basic displays of kindness. I always feel so suspicious.

That's a really sick joke... imagine you think someone's genuinely interested in you, for whatever reason, but it turns out they were just looking for a reaction from you. Every time I think humans are at their lowest point, they go lower, and it's crazy, honestly.

I don't really get suspicious, but I can't properly accept any compliments. I always reply with "no, thanks, but nah" et cetera. I can't accept the fact that someone is genuinely grateful to me or compliments me. It just feels like I don't deserve it every time

Right? Why would someone be grateful to me, of all people? What did I do to deserve lavish praise like that? It all feels so fake; but at the same time, it gets me kind of excited, since I feel like I'm actually worth something, for a split second.

 

[W3akCr3atur3]

Right? Why would someone be grateful to me, of all people? What did I do to deserve lavish praise like that? It all feels so fake; but at the same time, it gets me kind of excited, since I feel like I'm actually worth something, for a split second.

Same. I can't deny but feel somewhat excited when I get complimented.
Also I really like your PFP for what it's worth :D

 

[passivethought121]

Since I was 13, I have rolled with these beliefs: "I'm ugly. And annoying. And fat. With no style. They're lying to me. They just want to see me happy so they can snicker with their friends about it. Or they want something from me and they're complimenting me now so that I like them"

 

[Serial Experi Pain]

It feels like self sabotage to distrust others on things like these, but at the same time, why would anyone say anything good about me? It feels like they're just being nice but they don't really mean it...

It's not like I'm a bad person, but I don't stand out either... what could I have done to deserve praise? I don't get strangers on the internet who care about me, because they've never met me nor do they know me, but I still feel really happy when it happens, almost like I'm being validated now as a grown up, after so many years.

This might be yap as the younger people say, but I'd genuinely like to hear your guys' input, because I really would like to know if it's a me thing or not.

Is there something wrong with me (more so than what is already wrong?)

Ever since I remember, and I push people away because of it... Which only leads to more misery and then the realization that "I was right! No one could actually give a fuck about me at all", even if if it was a self actualized prophecy of sorts (AKA my own fucking fault).
I have lost so many people because I pull away as soon as they seem like they care, because then I care and get hurt.

I'm old af and it has never changed. The best I can do is sometimes resist the urge to argue with a compliment even though they feel fake, and say thank you to try to seem normal, but it never lasts.

But insult me, and I'm gonna be pissed off and hurt and believe that shit and dwell on it a while even if I disagree with it... lol. Makes perfect sense.

 

[KuroiSH]

Same. I can't deny but feel somewhat excited when I get complimented.
Also I really like your PFP for what it's worth :D

Thanks... :-)

Ever since I remember, and I push people away because of it... Which only leads to more misery and then the realization that "I was right! No one could actually give a fuck about me at all", even if if it was a self actualized prophecy of sorts (AKA my own fucking fault).
I have lost so many people because I pull away as soon as they seem like they care, because then I care and get hurt.

I'm old af and it has never changed. The best I can do is sometimes resist the urge to argue with a compliment even though they feel fake, and say thank you to try to seem normal, but it never lasts.

But insult me, and I'm gonna be pissed off and hurt and believe that shit and dwell on it a while even if I disagree with it... lol. Makes perfect sense.

Emotions make no sense at all... some people would say that's the beauty of it, but I find it pretty annoying, honestly.

 

[Kit1]

I can understand and empathise with a lot of what has been said. I struggle to accept compliments after having been put down during the years of growing up - also essentially I had no friends, was abandoned by my family as a baby, abused etc. Trauma, lack of confidence etc might make it difficult to accept that compliments are genuine or sometimes it even feels threatening (what does this person want from me) and most of the time, I just ignore complements.

However I have a habit of complementing people I meet and trying to be positive with every interaction I have with the human race and furry friends. There is a simple reason for this - our lives are extremely difficult and we all face different challenges (some more than others like moses of us on this site). Not only does some of us struggle to live in a world designed for people who are neurotypical (I might be autistic and have mental health challenges such as cPTSD, hence no friends as a child amd even struggle now as an adult) or people with other challenges who often find ourselves on the fringe of society, but we are also hard on ourselves. A smile, a simple Thank you (gratitude), taking a few minutes out to sit with someone and listen and acknowledge - I do this hoping that it might (might being the operative word) just make a positive difference for that person.

We all deserve to be loved and feel cared for. Sometimes it is easier to push that away (I know as I am guilty of this myself) - but I am trying to constantly tell myself that kindness to onrself and self acceptance is crucial and trying ro let people in a bit would help - work in progress.

 

[DeadHead]

The title of this thread reminds me of something that happened a few weeks ago.

I was buying something in a shop and the young lady serving me had the most flawless skin I'd ever seen. Chinese I think. I'm an older woman so I appreciate the beauty of youthfulness.

I told her "you have the most beautiful skin I've ever seen."

She looked utterly shocked, I mean the expression on her face was total shock and disbelief. I was worried she was going to faint. Then it looked like she was going to cry. She could barely utter "thank you...so much".

It was not the reaction I was expecting and I didn't know what to do so walked away quickly.

 

[Duality]

This is completely normal, nothing is wrong with you for thinking like this. I also feel like many of the compliments I get are superficial. Nothing like you and your work being praised, only to be first on the firing line.

I try not to be too negative about it though, if I do get a compliment I'll just smile and nod and say thanks. Better to be polite, especially at work.

 

[KuroiSH]

The title of this thread reminds me of something that happened a few weeks ago.

I was buying something in a shop and the young lady serving me had the most flawless skin I'd ever seen. Chinese I think. I'm an older woman so I appreciate the beauty of youthfulness.

I told her "you have the most beautiful skin I've ever seen."

She looked utterly shocked, I mean the expression on her face was total shock and disbelief. I was worried she was going to faint. Then it looked like she was going to cry. She could barely utter "thank you...so much".

It was not the reaction I was expecting and I didn't know what to do so walked away quickly.

Honestly, I'd be shocked too if anyone called any part of my body beautiful, seeing as it's a stain on my soul... but don't worry. What you did was really kind, and I wish I had the confidence to do something like that...

Nothing like you and your work being praised, only to be first on the firing line.

Ain't that the truth. I really resonate with what you said though, I usually just smile and nod even if I think it's superficial.