What I mean by this is that I'm afraid of what will happen after death, if it'll be worse than what I'm going through now. As well as how my family would react to me being gone.
But on the other hand, I really fucking hate it here. I hate how I can't do anything meaningful or productive during the day and waste all of it on social media and doing unimportant things. I do nothing I don't have hobbies, friends that actually give a shit about me, good grades. I'm just a fuck up. And I don't think anything is really going to change that.
Anyone else agree with me on this?
Just my two cents : I want to say I'm not afraid, but it appears unavoidable. A point where you see just how fragile life is, how even your most rigid, powerful beliefs, stability can be tested to the maximum, until its either broken beyond repair or changed into a state of dynamism unlike any other. I'm not afraid of death as an event either, because I know its gonna happen sooner or later and when it does, I embrace it. But it's like being at the edge of a cliff, or standing on shaky ground, never know what it's gonna give way to. Is it just endless freefall? Is it gonna be quick and painless or slow and agonizing? How is it gonna feel, what am I going to see? More questions than answers. Sometimes, all I want is to disappear, vanish into the hellishly comforting womb of darkness I come from, with the depths of my brain echoing "memento mori". Other times, I'm scared of its cold, unforgiving touch, when it gets close enough to make you feel just how heavy it really is. Everything blurs, becomes hazy, stops making sense, all I can think of instinctually is "NO". But then that's just it - it doesn't matter what I say or think about at that point because its happening and there's nothing I can do about it. Fear and calm become one, feelings merge and diverge, memories, ghosts, faces, scenes I never thought I'd see again. No amount of preparation can be enough to face it, yet that's all we're wired to do when we're alive, to be able to somehow give meaning to death through life, whereas its the opposite - our certain death gives meaning to our time here - that keeps us going. Maybe we'll never really figure it out, being human. Maybe we don't have to; we make of it as we choose.
