Many months this past year I was constantly suicidal until about two months ago where I tried to go into recovery. I was seemingly ok again avd didn't think of it. Past few weeks I can change from hopeful etc to completely suicidal in a day. It's extremely tiring trying to live avd trying to die. Does anyone else suffer from this? What do you do?
lost.ghost
dissolving mind
- Jan 25, 2019
- 110
Yes I do. I have good days and then suddenly something small will happen and I start to seriously consider suicide. before I know it I'm fine again. It's part of my bipolar, but usually I just wait for the sad times to pass, there's not much I can seem to do about it. It's EXHAUSTING having your emotions fluctuate so suddenly and intensely.
SelfishMom
Born To Die
- Jan 13, 2019
- 50
3 days ago I was fine, yesterday I came closer to attempting than I ever have. They say I'm bipolar so maybe that has something to do with it.
Maybe that are signs of being bipolar. Where you have extreme ups and downs in moods. There is medicine against that and maybe you guys should consider getting some help against it.
lost.ghost
dissolving mind
- Jan 25, 2019
- 110
I am on medication and have been for a long time, not really looking to get help
I've been suicidal on and off for the last couple years. Tiring isn't exactly the word I'd use for how it makes me feel. When I feel good, I feel like I can get better. When I feel bad, I wanna die. Bit of an oversimplification but in a way it's like having split personalities, almost :D.
I just take everything as it comes. I try to do the things that will help me recover and improve my life the best I can, except for those times when I hit rock bottom; then I start just freaking out and whining and moaning to myself under the covers in my bed, or come on here and talk about how much I wanna die.
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NoEasyWayOut
Member
- Jan 20, 2019
- 24
Wow, I guess that completely describes a big part of how I feel. It's crazy how your mind can play such tricks on you... From totally convinced you'd be better off by CTB to somewhat hopeful and willing to make some changes in your life in order to get better... Never been diagnosed but I guess I've identified myself as bipolar as well for a long time now... So I feel you!!
Hugs
Hugs
Whatiwantiswhatiwas
A little less lonley together
- Dec 4, 2018
- 97
Yes I can we even wake up feeling positive, later that day all I can think of is CTB then a few hours later feel good. It's a constant roller coaster
Partial-Elf
Eternal Oblivion
- Dec 26, 2018
- 461
This is me too. Recently diagnosed with bipolar II rather than unipolar depression. Only a week and a half or so ago I had a new lease on life and had everything figured out... was signing up for new things, etc. Then it feels like the floor falls right out and I'm back in no mans land. Like I wanna cry all the time but the cruel part is I literally can't cry unless something extreme happens so I never get that release
Whatiwantiswhatiwas
A little less lonley together
- Dec 4, 2018
- 97
I actually believe I have bipolar 2 but undiagnosed. The Dr said because I'm not hyper for more than a week and then depressed for 2 weeks, I'm not bipolar but from what I hear that doesn't seem to the case with everyone with type 2. I understand rapid cycling you can be up and down. My usual response to antidepressants is hypomania and I also haven't slept very well since I was 7 now in my 30s. How long did it take you to the get the diagnosis? Also which meds are you on?
mattwitt
# 978
- Jun 28, 2018
- 2,307
Every time I feel really good and start thinking about getting a job and trying to go on and push past this phase in my life (At least for a little while) I come crashing down real hard and real quick with unfriendly reminders of why I can't and shouldn't even try to go on even if it was just for a few more years. It sucks and it adds to the torture in my life.
LastDay
Soon, my dear big sister
- Dec 29, 2018
- 103
The only reason I get hopeful again is because CTB is so freaking hard. If only it were easier and more accessible I could stop fighting myself. God I'm fucking tired.
I wish suicide never entered my mind in the first place, now being suicidal is suffering on it's own. It's a heavy thought and feeling that stops me from living. Even just being sad is better than being suicidal. And there are so many hours in day, minutes, my mind absolutely tortures me now. I wanted to live today and wanted to die today. I was ready for hanging, I was ready for going through the hassle of getting N. Every day I am like that.
Titania
Ultimate Despair
- Dec 31, 2018
- 46
Yeah, I do this on an every day basis. I have bad and good days, but stress is a major trigger to all of it. Sometimes it isn't even stress and I'm just sick of it all. I always have to keep myself in check otherwise I find myself on the edge on attempting to CTB. It's even worse since I don't have anyone to vent to. It's much easier to be able to vent or it just builds inside you quick and you can't take anymore pain. I did that just recently and decided to keep it in without telling anyone. I almost tempted to partial hang myself again in my room. If you find a way to manage it, would like to know because as it stands, I'm a living time bomb.
Yeah i had pretty bad 2 weeks as well. My mind was so out of controll that i had to hear loud music or watch series all day long so that i couldn't hear a single thought, bc all they did were torturing me to ctb. I had the feeling i was going insane bc i slept only a few hours a day and every silent second my head would just torture me to think about ctb and which way and how it will feel and what it will be afterwards and so on. But today i felt a lot more relieved and my mind seems to be a lot more quiet. I kinda just want my head to be fucking silent from times to times so that i can get down from stressfull moments but i have the feeling my head only makes matter far worse...
anthomaniac
Member
- Oct 10, 2018
- 40
this always happens to me too. i get days in which i believe i can get over my mistakes and forgive myself but then anything else reminds me of all the other reasons that i have for not doing so and i crumble under the same thought that all i deserve is to die. i've been like this for over a year
Yeah i can totally relate to this feelings. I wonder if it's a little sign of bipolarity as well or if there's an actual way of fixing this shit so i can actually keep this confidence in myself that i can change my life and turn it around into something better and something that's worth living for
OhRoseThouArtSick
Member
- Jan 13, 2019
- 10
I relate to all of this and it fucks me up. I almost died once and then resented that I had to keep living as a broken person with no support. Some days I am full of life and can't believe I was ever depressed. Other days I am planning my death. Most people think I have my shit together. They tell me all their problems and look up to me. But I'm so fucked up inside..
anthomaniac
Member
- Oct 10, 2018
- 40
Perhaps it's a matter of silencing those demons and just keep pushing forward until you don't hear their voices again, in the best case, in the bad one we might all have some kind of bipolar disorder xd
Kyrok
Paragon
- Nov 6, 2018
- 970
I can have good years and then something happens and I want to ctb. Sometimes when in these states, I do things which makes my life worse and sink deeper into misery. At this point, I've destroyed my hopes of a better job or any upside in life other than surviving to retirement.
Partial-Elf
Eternal Oblivion
- Dec 26, 2018
- 461
I got a very good psychologist after having a few mediocre ones and the good one picked it up with in a few visits. No meds right now, I've never taken meds for mental illness and would prefer not to for as a long as that's a viable choice. Can't really explain why
21Neberg
Enlightened
- Dec 17, 2018
- 1,624
Yes I do, like many others. I am still planning my method though, so that when I do feel like absolute shit again I have my method ready and hopefully I'll pull through.
This past week and a half, I am more than ready and its all I think about. No quality of life. Just done and so sad cuz I have family who loves me.
Good dont. I am a good reason not to. Its horrific
yeah i would love to have a good psych as well but it's extremly hard where i live atm. I would also prefer not to be drugged to feel good, bc i wouldn't want to take antidepressants for life. I would rather have my brain function on it's own but there are so many problems ahead of me, i don't even know where to start and im already fucking 29yo
Yeah i'm the same. I know that if i already had a method this time i wanted to kill myself i know i would have done it and ended my life. Luckily or unluckily, however you wanna see it, i had to read a lot and made a plan first and write farewell letters and so on. But i'm ready for next time
Well life is a fight and we have to try to pull through as much as we can for the people we like and love right? You have a family you can't just give up easily, you should try to better your life as much as possible, till you don't want to ctb anymore, even tho it might sound impossible at times. I guess this is what life is all about, just making it through.
I got fucked up by antidepressants as well. Since i took them i can't seem to concentrate anymore at all. Every time i try i just can't, it feels either like i'm surrounded by clouds or like i'm in a storm of thoughts and i just can't take a break of them at all. How did your antidepressants fuck you up? Do you feel the same or did they have different effects?
I am at the bottom with no way out. I took AD and benzos. Long story but I cant deal with physical effects of anxiety right now and zero motivationm. Sucks
yeah i know... i kinda want to fight for my life rn and want it to be better but i just can't. I just won't do it and i don't even know why. I know i could change it and in a year or 2 i could have the life i always wanted but i am getting paralyzed by my own brain and i don't really know how to stop it and just do stuff...
Paralyzing yup and physical suffering. Noone gets it. My husband thinks therapy will help but sadly no. I have 2 daighters who will be devastated but I cant change it
