Does anyone else fluctuate between being suicidal and not suicidal /hopeful very frequently

[Jake88]

I didn't read every reply, but many of you sound like you're rapid cycling bipolar like myself. It's a roller coaster almost every single day if not every single day. It's very draining. There's a very high suicide rate for that population. I can't remember the exact numbers but it being as high if not higher than 20 percent but they don't have exact figures for rapid cyclers to my knowledge. It's speculation.

I believe that once you reach rapid cycling, medication can be very ineffective. From what I've gathered during my research. I haven't tried any forms of treatment.

To the ones who would like to CTB but can't? If it's any consolation, our life expectancy is far lower due to the constant stress.

 

[firedragon135]

Paralyzing yup and physical suffering. Noone gets it. My husband thinks therapy will help but sadly no. I have 2 daighters who will be devastated but I cant change it

Well therapy is a part of it i think. People need the right help and need the feel to be understood. I think a lot of people would trade everything they've got to think normal again and don't be so overwhelmed by their own thoughts. I don't know your pain you had to suffer through but because you have daughters and a husband you owe them to try everything you can. Even if it means pulling through for them while you suffer. You need to find a way to cope with your head, get your head under controll again and not let yourself get controlled by it anymore. I will try to do the same and i don't even have a family, but even tho i don't have anyone i owe myself and my mom to fight with everything i got. Therapy and hard work on your own mind are the only 2 things that can save yourself from ctb i would guess

 

[firedragon135]

I didn't read every reply, but many of you sound like you're rapid cycling bipolar like myself. It's a roller coaster almost every single day if not every single day. It's very draining. There's a very high suicide rate for that population. I can't remember the exact numbers but it being as high if not higher than 20 percent but they don't have exact figures for rapid cyclers to my knowledge. It's speculation.

I believe that once you reach rapid cycling, medication can be very ineffective. From what I've gathered during my research. I haven't tried any forms of treatment.

To the ones who would like to CTB but can't? If it's any consolation, our life expectancy is far lower due to the constant stress.

Yeah i think stress is a big factor of how explosives this cycles can be. I had extreme stress from 4 sources till i just broke mentally and said fuck it. 2 Weeks i was extremly suicidal and if i had the method (decapitation by car and rope) which i have now with location and what i need to do and stuff, i'm almost certain i would have done it. It's scary to think that i was so extremly close to ending my life, but now i have this extreme feeling of hope inside me again. That i can change my life and i can live with my faults and just need to controll my head a bit more and everything could be fine again. I guess this will last till s**t hits the fan again... i am so tired of me being this way... i hate myself so much more than humanity...

 

[Northerngirl1965]

Well therapy is a part of it i think. People need the right help and need the feel to be understood. I think a lot of people would trade everything they've got to think normal again and don't be so overwhelmed by their own thoughts. I don't know your pain you had to suffer through but because you have daughters and a husband you owe them to try everything you can. Even if it means pulling through for them while you suffer. You need to find a way to cope with your head, get your head under controll again and not let yourself get controlled by it anymore. I will try to do the same and i don't even have a family, but even tho i don't have anyone i owe myself and my mom to fight with everything i got. Therapy and hard work on your own mind are the only 2 things that can save yourself from ctb i would guess

Thanks for trying. I dont think it would work. I feel hopeless right now

 

[Northerngirl1965]

Thanks for trying. I dont think it would work. I feel hopeless right now

Its physical and mental

 

[Jake88]

Yeah i think stress is a big factor of how explosives this cycles can be. I had extreme stress from 4 sources till i just broke mentally and said fuck it. 2 Weeks i was extremly suicidal and if i had the method (decapitation by car and rope) which i have now with location and what i need to do and stuff, i'm almost certain i would have done it. It's scary to think that i was so extremly close to ending my life, but now i have this extreme feeling of hope inside me again. That i can change my life and i can live with my faults and just need to controll my head a bit more and everything could be fine again. I guess this will last till s**t hits the fan again... i am so tired of me being this way... i hate myself so much more than humanity...

I've had that feeling many times over. That relieved even grateful feeling because I didn't do something permanent. I'm very impulsive.

And it will all go to shit again, but you can always try to remember that feeling of overwhelming relief in those moments. I do now. It's the impulsive nature of it that is so dangerous and often deadly.

 

[Jake88]

It's very guilt driven so I tend to beat myself up every single day. Still feel guilt for stupid shit I did as a kid even.

 

[firedragon135]

Thanks for trying. I dont think it would work. I feel hopeless right now

Well, never hurt to at least try to give someone else some hope back am i right? I'll still hope the best for you. And i'm sorry to hear you have to go through mental and physical pain as well.

 

[Final Escape]

Many months this past year I was constantly suicidal until about two months ago where I tried to go into recovery. I was seemingly ok again avd didn't think of it. Past few weeks I can change from hopeful etc to completely suicidal in a day. It's extremely tiring trying to live avd trying to die. Does anyone else suffer from this? What do you do?

Yes this is ruining my life. It's a main reason I'm trying to find a low survival chance and quick method. My life is pretty frightening, and a daily challenge. I know I'm responsible for creating this hellish life but I feel too damaged and tired to try to pull myself out at this point. There's no hope for me :(

 

[firedragon135]

I've had that feeling many times over. That relieved even grateful feeling because I didn't do something permanent. I'm very impulsive.

And it will all go to shit again, but you can always try to remember that feeling of overwhelming relief in those moments. I do now. It's the impulsive nature of it that is so dangerous and often deadly.

I can totally understand and relate to this feelings of you. I am afraid of my impulses as well... I even now that most of the time they are even wrong and completly batshit crazy from time to time but i still concede to them and give in. I guess it's just easiert to give in into your impulses and own failure instead of facing them and try to fight your bad side.

 

[Jake88]

I can totally understand and relate to this feelings of you. I am afraid of my impulses as well... I even now that most of the time they are even wrong and completly batshit crazy from time to time but i still concede to them and give in. I guess it's just easiert to give in into your impulses and own failure instead of facing them and try to fight your bad side.

Definitely easier. But sometimes I feel very out of control too. Like I'm watching myself as a helpless bystander. Totally conscious of it though. It's the worst.

 

[firedragon135]

Yes this is ruining my life. It's a main reason I'm trying to find a low survival chance and quick method. My life is pretty frightening, and a daily challenge. I know I'm responsible for creating this hellish life but I feel too damaged and tired to try to pull myself out at this point. There's no hope for me :(

No person is too damaged and no hell is too deep to come out of. You just have to search for help and invest a lot of work if you want a better life. A lot of people want to ctb bc their health is effed up. I can totally understand that but a lot of people just want to ctb bc they effed up their life and i think even tho it will be hard, it can be done. I have no friends, i lost my last friend and the love of my life 2 weeks ago but still i will jump back into the saddle and try to change my life for the better. I am a jobless, friendless, loveless 29yo, doesn't mean i have to be hopeless as well. If you wanna fight even tho it will be hard, then fight

 

[firedragon135]

Definitely easier. But sometimes I feel very out of control too. Like I'm watching myself as a helpless bystander. Totally conscious of it though. It's the worst.

Well we have many problems, that's why we have this disorderes and depressions, but that''s why we all need help for. We need professional people who know how to help people like us out of this but we need to want it too. You are never a helpless bystander, you are just used to being passive, even in your own life, that's why you need to take the controll back of your life and i need to take controll back of mine i guess.

 

[Final Escape]

No person is too damaged and no hell is too deep to come out of. You just have to search for help and invest a lot of work if you want a better life. A lot of people want to ctb bc their health is effed up. I can totally understand that but a lot of people just want to ctb bc they effed up their life and i think even tho it will be hard, it can be done. I have no friends, i lost at my last friend and the love of my life 2 weeks ago but still i will jump back into the saddle and try to change my life for the better. I am a jobless, friendless, loveless 29yo, doesn't mean i have to be hopeless as well. If you wanna fight even tho it will be hard, then fight

At 29 I still had hope but at 41 I don't anymore. I'm getting close to the highest risk age for ctb and I totally understand why people start to want to be done at this age. Especially if u have had no successes in major areas of life that give most people meaning ,established a decent foundation, with employment, family, friends, etc.

 

[firedragon135]

At 29 I still had hope but at 41 I don't anymore. I'm getting close to the highest risk age for ctb and I totally understand why people start to want to be done at this age. Especially if u have had no successes or established a decent foundation, with employment, family, friends, etc.

There is no too old to find peace and happyness in life. My crippled uncle thought the same. With age 52 he found some friends and a year later he met his wife. Now at 55 he is a father and has lots of good and loyal friends. He was depressed all his life and still happyness came him at the age of 52 so don't blame age. I think even in broken wrecks like me there might be something good. Something that could be worth living for and i can't do more than try to search for it. And even tho you don't see it, maybe there is something in you too

 

[couragetodie]

This is one of the best (if not the best) dialogues I have read on what it's like to experience life like this. This is how my life has been for the last few weeks. I hadn't experienced this to catch the bus or not catch the bus mental ping pong before. It's definitely stress. Stress without a doubt is higher for me now than it has ever been before. And that stress is causing this "rapid bipolar cycling." How to deal with this stress is the challenge of my lifetime. If the stressors are major — homelessness e.g. — then until one is in a much better place financially, the rapid cycling is rough. That said, I am seeking treatment soon and trying to finally get on the permanent path to healthy stress management. For those of us who did not have parents who taught us healthy stress coping skills, life is a real bitch. I wonder how anyone with bad parents became happy as adults. I think a lot of this whole bipolar stuff is just the result of bad parenting. We can't change the past though, so we medicate and meditate. Thanks to everyone for sharing on this one. Really poignant stuff.

 

[lookin4areason]

i wouldn't say hopeful or say that I've ever stopped thinking about it. but sure there are times when it gets put on the shelf (not a high shelf though, one that's right there in reach. lol) if I get busy with something else that I think about. like for example, right now i'm actually planning a big trip for my 40th birthday in april. which is funny because I had actually wanted to be gone by then. Still do really, I mean i'd prefer to die than anything. yet, for whatever reason I was looking at a trip and actually got excited about another new adventure (I've travelled a lot over the years). But, even though i'm doing that, i'm still here on this page right now. why? because suicide is still there. always has been and always will be until I finally get it done, which I know is going to have to be sooner than later. yet all these years and keep putting it off. not because i'm hopeful, i'm FAR from that. but i think more than anything it's fear. not so much fear of death but failure in getting it done. because i'm just not at all certain as to the HOW.

 

[TAW122]

I do have cycles of that, and as my current state now, I'm mostly just numb. I know I will die someday and while I'm not getting busy to die, I am sorta in the standby state, meaning that if something tips me over, I'll just go on a whim. It would be nice to never go over the edge, but given the way the world is, my circumstances, it is only a matter of circumstance before I step over to the other side (ctb).

For example, last summer I was getting busy dying, all while reddit was going to shit, my life becoming shitty and what not. I first found this site in the summer and it was like a small relief. I remembered Threads and his knowledge of firearms and what not. At the time, he was the most knowledgeable on that subject (unless someone came before him) and I lurked here before becoming a member. It was tormenting but when I read about firearms and suicide with them, I found relief. Things got a bit better temporarily in September, but then went to shit again until a brief reprieve in December when I obtained my method.

So in short, yes my life has cycles of getting busy to live and some reprieve, but consists mostly of numbness, hell, and then periods of intense suffering.

 

[1964dodge]

Many months this past year I was constantly suicidal until about two months ago where I tried to go into recovery. I was seemingly ok again avd didn't think of it. Past few weeks I can change from hopeful etc to completely suicidal in a day. It's extremely tiring trying to live avd trying to die. Does anyone else suffer from this? What do you do?

 

[1964dodge]

I suffer from chronic pain copd depression ptsd and other minor problems. I was saved by a pro life site a couple of times and my wife stopped me once. because of the pain I think of it daily mostly passive but sometimes seriously. it tears me apart because I want to live for family etc. but I want the pain to end.I hope my pain will win someday and I can go home.

 

[21Neberg]

This past week and a half, I am more than ready and its all I think about. No quality of life. Just done and so sad cuz I have family who loves me.

I'm in the same boat, but on some days I don't even care about their feelings anymore. I will CTB on one of those days.

 

[ForestLove]

This past week and a half, I am more than ready and its all I think about. No quality of life. Just done and so sad cuz I have family who loves me.

I have been feeling like this since last year. No point staying if there is less QOL and constant pain in me. To set myself free and my loved ones free.

 

[Final Escape]

There is no too old to find peace and happyness in life. My crippled uncle thought the same. With age 52 he found some friends and a year later he met his wife. Now at 55 he is a father and has lots of good and loyal friends. He was depressed all his life and still happyness came him at the age of 52 so don't blame age. I think even in broken wrecks like me there might be something good. Something that could be worth living for and i can't do more than try to search for it. And even tho you don't see it, maybe there is something in you too

That's a nice anicdotal story lol!

 

[Sanguinius]

Yes, I do. Sone days, hours, I'm really fine, doing great, some days I'm extremely suicidal and every breath is extremely painful, often for no obvious reason.
But I figured out some points which are important for my wellbeing:

• Food: enough, even if there is no appetite, but not too much. Enough vegetables and stuff. Some meat from time to time.
• Sleep: enough. Listening to childrens audio drama, if I can't sleep. Do some easy mathematics (i.e. 2000-17-17-17-17....) if there are too many thoughts. Good quality of sleep is inportant too, I need to make sure the room is completly dark (sleeping mask) and there are no noises (earplugs).
• Some sports: not too much. I.e. 10 situps, 15 minutes of walking.
• Enough water.
• Self-compassion: Be gentle with yourseself. Not too much to no stress.

These points won't make me sane, lifeloving or pro-life. But if I don't consider them, I'm very very moody and the switches between good mood and extremely pain are far more often comared with when I do these things.


But even if I consider every point, there are still mood swings, and I still want to ctb.
But it's way more comfortable.
They will give lithium to me... probably, this will help me.

 

[OhRoseThouArtSick]

I never realized exactly what was happening.. I also suffer from rapid cycling. Its totally overwhelming. I have also tried many meds but they didn't work out for me. I cope by being creative and I try thinking about all the other artists who suffer and create. Yet I also feel suicidal quite a lot. A part of me feels comforted knowing I have an out. Another part of me is terrified by my self destructiveness. That my childhood patterns hard wired me to selflessly give and deny my own needs to the point that I don't think my existence is important...

 

[Fenty(nal)]

Yup. Been feeling like that for 13 years. Guess that explains why I go MIA on here for a bit then come back.

 

[lshode55]

Once im in pain and it starts getting intense, I proceed with my plans and when the pain subsides it feels like all is well.