Does anyone else flip flop often?

[DF90]

This is how I am most of the time lately. I have days where I want to live and see what I can do with my life. I want to try and be happy, succeed, just be okay.

Then I have days, like today, where I am so low that I want nothing but death. The only thing on my mind is dying and what I need to prepare and plan, so I can do it.

It's exhausting.

 

[RoloTomasi]

If you're still able to move forward and you have more better days than the crappy ones, I guess there's still hope for you yet. Lately, I am very uncertain about my future, not sure if I can still get it together. I get a lot more miserable and stagnant days than good ones.

 

[Tiburcio]

Then I have days, like today, where I am so low that I want nothing but death. The only thing on my mind is dying and what I need to prepare and plan, so I can do it.

It's exhausting.

It is.

I'm permanently in this state. I don't want other thing that death, but when it's the time I'm too afraid of doing it. Then I planificate it again knowing how much I despuce being alive, escaping but I have fear again. Fuck.

 

[MEoDP]

Definitely. Its part of the reason I hesitate to CTB.

Objectively speak,as of now,my happy days do indeed outnumber my bad days,and I still have curiosities I want to experience/explore in this world,but I'm completely uncertain of my future,where I'll end up in. That's the big question. If I end up in a permanently fucked up situation and there truly is no other way out,I suppose that will be the time to CTB.

 

[No Future]

I flip-flop often.

Improvement and recovery are always uphill struggles, so it's my competitive tendencies that keep me alive more than anything. I'm in a constant competition with two sides of myself: one side wants to die, the other wants to fight.

Sometimes the 'competition' gets tiring, and I relapse. There's an awkward comfort in giving up, but I feel like I can't stop yet. I will eventually and inevitably so, but acknowledging the slim degree of purpose I've bestowed on myself keeps me moving forward, even if it's a crawling pace. It's always a push; always has been.

 

[Smilla]

No flip flopping here; I am 100 percent committed to leaving ASAP.

The only think I waver on are dates and such.

 

[Ashpac]

I used to flip flop but after giving life enough chances to get happier and try to improve my situation it never happened. Now everyday is a bad day. Thats when you know its time to check out.

Edited*

 

[Marystevenson1001]

I am 100% certain that I want to ctb, no flip flopping on that but always flip flopping on when is the right time, where is the right place and what is the right method. I am deathly afraid (pun intended) of a failure and ending up hospitalized or with medical disabilities and being unable to try again.

 

[Roulette]

Definitely flip flop. I used to be an optimistic person, but that mindset has been beaten to shit. It's a constant war to deal with.

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

Ive beaten my brains out over and over gaining and losing everything, im blacklisted only thing i can do is the hardest manual labor job that will take anyone, and there isnt too many of even those anymore. Im not even depressed ,just cant take any more, being a mule for a society that hates and despises, i used to think i would wait untill my mom died because i cant stand to cause people pain but i just cant wait that long, things are bad and only getting worse im really just jail fodder at this point, a few more things to do then i will probably go.

 

[PeakyBlinder]

Yes definitely flip flopping.

Went to the woods yesterday with a 34kg (2000 liters) cilinder of argon gas. Put the exitbag over my head but couldn't do it unfortunately. Even had a last meal, that tasted better then ever, gave the waiter a decent tip.

Something sparked in me when I was about to end it. A flash of hope, dreams yet to achieve and people that rely on me.

How do people turn off the survival instinct that is so strong within some people?

 

[C11H18N2O3]

I am 100% certain that I want to ctb, no flip flopping on that but always flip flopping on when is the right time, where is the right place and what is the right method. I am deathly afraid (pun intended) of a failure and ending up hospitalized or with medical disabilities and being unable to try again.

I agree with you, I have just taken the poll on preferred method and I am quite surprised Nembutal is NOT the winner. So, I think I need to read more about other methods.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

Not really. The future is nothing but decline.

When I was a kid, I used to say I wanted to hurry and make it quick before I got too old to enjoy it. I knew I'd be exhausted and old fast. I'm 35 and feel like I'm 85. I have good days and bad days, but they're all just varying levels of being old and tired.

The troubling thing is people can still live so long this way. I really hope I'm not one of them.

 

[Laggy]

Yep. I know I'm never going to be happy or successful, but I flip-flop between wanting to stick it out for my kids, and being sure that living isn't an option. I agree that it's exhausting. One moment I may feel actually hopeful, and a few hours later, (for no reason that I can tell) I'm deep in the pit of hopelessness. It's kind of a scary thing.

 

[throwaway123]

Sometimes I daydream but after a while I remember what my life really looks like. I want to die. I'm certain about that. I've had so much bad stuff happen in my life it changed my perspective. I don't see the appeal of life. I don't know what is so special about it. Why there would be any reason for me to participate in a rigged game. I don't want happiness. I don't want success. For every winner in life there has to be a loser. I guess you could say that I've become a nihilist but that is only because I grew up without rosey-tinted glasses. I saw the cruelty of this world firsthand. And there is nothing that will make me forget what I learned.
Life is an endless fight and I am tired of fighting.

 

[deflagrat]

It is.

I'm permanently in this state. I don't want other thing that death, but when it's the time I'm too afraid of doing it. Then I planificate it again knowing how much I despuce being alive, escaping but I have fear again. Fuck.

I think it's because of your method. Some methods scare me away, but not all. Do your research and you will find one. If you are in Spain you could try getting amitryptiline and Diazepam. You don't really need courage to take a few pills.

 

[Tiburcio]

I think it's because of your method. Some methods scare me away, but not all. Do your research and you will find one. If you are in Spain you could try getting amitryptiline and Diazepam. You don't really need courage to take a few pills.

I think it too. This method is too scary.

I'm not informed about amitryptiline, is there some thread talking about it or explaining it?

 

[deflagrat]

I think it too. This method is too scary.

I'm not informed about amitryptiline, is there some thread talking about it or explaining it?

I tried to send you a private message but I can't. This is for you:

Ve al psiquiatra y pídele la dosis recomendada para la depresión de amitriptilina que son unos 75 mg, comunícaselo a tu psiquiatra, yo empecé el primer día diciéndole que tomaba 100 mg / día y de ahí que me dijera de ir aumentando hasta 75 mg (le dije que ya me la habían recetado anteriormente). Las de FROST IBERICA S.A, llamado tryptizol. Esas no se pueden disolver correctamente en agua asi que olvídate de hacerlo como dice en PPeH.

Después dile que tienes ansiedad que has tratado anteriormente con Valium satisfactoriamente, dile que vas a tomar 2 o 3 veces a la semana una pastilla de 5 mg.

Luego ve a tu médico de cabecera para que te las ponga en tratamiento crónico. Valen muy poco dinero ambas.

Son 30 comprimidos de 75 mg de amitriptilina lo que estoy cogiendo en la farmacia, mas luego el Diazepam de 5 mg con otros 30 comprimidos que ni siquiera me planteo en tocar por la posible adicción. Eso significa que tienes para 1 intento de suicidio cada 4 meses en el caso de la amitriptilina, por lo tanto necesitas 1 año para 3 intentos. En el caso del Diazepam son 5 meses por intento.

Consigue las cápsulas de tamaño 000 vegetarianas en Amazon (hay de las dos). Necesitas unas 25 cápsulas para 5 mg de Valium y 54 cápsulas para 75 mg de Tryptizol considerando que metes 3 de 50 mg por cápsula. Lo único que falta ahí es el antiemético Primperán, que son 60 mg 40 minutos antes.

Las pastillas para no vomitar las cogeré el último año antes de suicidarme, supongo que una receta será suficiente sino iré a pedir una segunda o tercera vez.

Acumula para 3 o 4 intentos de suicidio seguidos, por si el primero falla. Al final la preparación es lo que acaba aumentando o disminuyendo la probabilidad de que funcione o no. La dosis adecuada son 8 g tal y como dice el PPeH, podrías argumentar de que necesitas sólo 6 g pero eso hace el método más fácil de llevar a cabo en caso de que no puedas tomártelo todo entero.

La cimetidina no creo que sea absolutamente necesaria, con esas cantidades tan grandes de amitriptilina probablemente sea opcional. Ten en cuenta que ha habido miles de muertes por TCAs en estos últimos 30 años asi que la muerte está bastante asegurada.

Lo único es buscar un sitio donde no te vayan a encontrar en 3 días para dejar que el veneno siga su curso.

Modo de empleo: Primperán 60 mg 40 minutos antes, 8 g de amitriptilina en cápsulas y después 500 mg de Diazepam en cápsulas.

Sobre el daño en caso de intento fallido no lo sé, pero no creo que sea tanto psiquicamente como físicamente. Básicamente después de 1 mes en el hospital o menos estarás como antes excepto con algunas enfermedades físicas nuevas que antes no tenías. No creo que el daño al cerebro sea tan grande como para incapacitarte para intentarlo una segunda vez.

Tengo ésta info guardada de las conversaciones con Ana.

Si tienes dudas pregúntame.

 

[midastic]

This is how I am most of the time lately. I have days where I want to live and see what I can do with my life. I want to try and be happy, succeed, just be okay.

Then I have days, like today, where I am so low that I want nothing but death. The only thing on my mind is dying and what I need to prepare and plan, so I can do it.

It's exhausting.

Are you bipolar by any chance?

What you described sounds like you might be bipolar. I know someone who is bipolar and has these same issues.

 

[I want to end it]

This is how I am most of the time lately. I have days where I want to live and see what I can do with my life. I want to try and be happy, succeed, just be okay.

Then I have days, like today, where I am so low that I want nothing but death. The only thing on my mind is dying and what I need to prepare and plan, so I can do it.

It's exhausting.

Been like that my whole life. Horrible mood swings. One day I want to do/be something, the next day I'm not bothered. Sometimes these mood swings happen on an hourly basis. I swear I have some form of bipolar but doctors and family always fob me off and say "you'd know if you had it".

 

[Jon86]

I've dealt with skin problems for 20 years. Having your skin change from day to day, even minute to minute is a total mindfuck. So, in the past I used to flip flop from feeling ok to shitty CONSTANTLY.

Nowadays, I never feel ok. My suicidal ideation never goes away, once I saw it as a genuine possibility it has had a consistent place in my mind.

 

[PatKat]

This is how I am most of the time lately. I have days where I want to live and see what I can do with my life. I want to try and be happy, succeed, just be okay.

Then I have days, like today, where I am so low that I want nothing but death. The only thing on my mind is dying and what I need to prepare and plan, so I can do it.

It's exhausting.

I wouldnt say often, but I do feel better sometimes. I know it will not last though and will be gone soon.

 

[RacilyDank]

I flip flop between wanting to die but not wanting to do anything about it and absolutely adamant I'm going to.

I did have moments of thinking I don't want to die I just want to get better, but as time goes on hope of that gets slimmer and slimmer.

 

[FailedWoman]

Constantly.
I just keep going back and forth between wanting to salvage my life and making suicide plans.
Lately, I've been thinking that it's too late to salvage anything. I'm getting older, and the regret of wasted years is just really weighing down on me.

 

[RacilyDank]

It's reassuring that others flip-flop. Being on this site I assumed everyone was already dead set (no pun intended) on ctb

 

[Final Escape]

Yes, I hate it. This botches my plans, especially if I feel better for a bit it's very deceptive. I want to be able to trust in myself that I'm ready and can do it successfully.

 

[DF90]

It's reassuring that others flip-flop. Being on this site I assumed everyone was already dead set (no pun intended) on ctb

Nah, I know a handful of people that are trying to get better. Myself included. I have my method ready, but ctb is basically last resort for me. As dumb as it sounds, I still have hope that I can turn shit around.

 

[DF90]

Are you bipolar by any chance?

What you described sounds like you might be bipolar. I know someone who is bipolar and has these same issues.

I was actually going to ask my doctor about bi polar. Haven't had a chance to make an appointment. I am diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and panic disorder.

 

[FadedMemory]

I was like this when I still had hope. Now I'm low all the time.