Discussion Does anyone else find relief in ctb'ing in the future?

[TAW122]

I have found to have some relief when I decided that if things get too hard then I'll just check out. I've gone as far as to plan my own demise, dreamed it, fantasized how I'd go to every detail and even imagined it. Thus, I've decided to give myself one chance to turn things around next month. If things goes well and according to my expectations as well as meeting my objectives, then I won't ctb in May, but if things sour or turn out badly, then I'll just spend a few months tying lose ends, mustering the courage, living up the last days of my life, and then finally, ctb.

Of course, people wonder why the long wait? Well it is to build courage, live out the remainder of my days, and also partly due to the fact that during that time I will pet and house sitting for my parents as they will be out of town. I would avoid ctb'ing in the house (will be very messy and wouldn't want to ruin their property value if at all possible).

Another thing people are wondering is why am I putting everything on the line for next month? Well, to me this trial that I've set for myself will be a litmus test for my life. Mind you, my suicide will not be impulsive as I've always had suicide ideation ever since my teenage years, and had at times planned suicide over the last decade. Therefore, this one decisive test will determine whether I am going to live longer or die in the coming months. I am nervous, but yet at the same time I feel some sense of relief. I may be over-simplifying my life at this point, but I've suffered enough and if I pass my litmus test, then it will give me a small reason to continue life. However, if I fail it, then I see no reason to prolong my suffering.

Anyone else relate or feel the same way?

 

[Chlo]

Yes! Definitely. The thought of having the option to end my own life has always been a source of comfort for me, even if I'm not ready to do it at this moment. I am also working on building up the courage, and I might even hold out a little bit of hope for a better life, but yeah, I can relate to everything you've said.

 

[Gina]

yes

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Absolutley. I've had the suicide escape clause in place for a long time.

 

[Redt2go]

It's very interesting the way you choose to live your life when you no longer care about surviving

 

[TAW122]

It's very interesting the way you choose to live your life when you no longer care about surviving

I like this statement. Yes, it does really change how I live my life, it's sorta like a care-free feeling, like idgaf whatever happens, I'll just let things happen and if it's good, I'll continue living but if it sucks, I'll just kill myself after mustering the courage and overriding my survival instinct while waiting for the right moment.

 

[sleepless]

This is how I have been feeling for a while. I find absolute relief and comfort in the fact that I have the power to CTB anytime. Believe it or not, it does make things a little better during these last moments, until my time comes.

 

[Jolene40]

I had relief when I thought about it as an option to end my physical suffering but then I joined this site and did research and realised it is no easy thing to top yourself!
Now I feel awful again. It's difficult because I don't want to die. I want my progressive physical decline to stop.but it isn't and I fear i will be at mercy of ass wipers patting my head before long.
There is no guarantee N from A is actually that. It's a huge risk not knowing what on earth you are taking.
I am too scared to hang and can't leave my little boy with that image etched in his mind. I'd end up ballsing it up.
I'm too scared to do all other options bar overdose but it looks so unreliable. Failing it is a fate worse than death.
Assisted suicide is also illegal in this dump
If I had a little tablet in a bottle that would send me to sleep then kill me and i could leave it there until I could suffer no more then I would feel huge immense relief.

 

[DreamsofDeath]

I do, though it would be greater if I had a firm plan in place which was guaranteed and also when I reach a place within my own mindset at which I know I'm able to go through with it. When I have that and am certain I'm going to go through with it I will feel complete relief - the bliss of release will be close.

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

For me thinking about the day I finally CTB is like looking forward to a holiday you want to plan.

 

[Memento Mori]

imagined it for 12 years, I wanted to but never did lol. didn't really help to know that there's an exit, wanting to live is normal...but now it's good to know since I'm contemplating to ctb without any more regrets. time will proof again that I don't belong here

 

[deflagrat]

I am not in a rush to ctb because I don't have to work (I have my parents), and I have some money now. That being said, ctb is an inevitability. Eventually, I will be alone and I will be poor for the first time, and when that time comes I don't plan on living.

 

[Socrates Augustus]

Yes, when I think of all my problems it gives me solace there is a way out of this mess.

 

[wanttodie]

having the option to end my own life has always been a source of comfort for me

 

[Lifetimepunishment]

But I can't find a easy way,I can't take any violent ones.

 

[NoOneKnows]

For me thinking about the day I finally CTB is like looking forward to a holiday you want to plan.

its the same for me

 

[Jolene40]

Yes, when I think of all my problems it gives me solace there is a way out of this mess.

Are you 100% set on a method and confident in reliability? I only ask as I feel no comfort at all now I know how difficult it is going to be. I couldn't begin to feel solace unless I had a magic little sleeper pill that would make it painless and quick

 

[SeekingSolace]

Yes, I have a long term ctb plan...but as of right now I'm giving life another go. SS and the community here has helped provide me with some comfort, and ultimately has helped ease my feelings of depression and isolation a bit.

 

[Buddyluv19]

It would be nice to have that luxury.

 

[JJ-NOHOPE]

I have my N and anti-emetics so can go anytime. That is extremely comforting to me.

Some days I think I might be getting just a tiny bit better. I am drinking less and slicing my arm less.

But I still can't get out of bed most days or do even the basic life functions.

I still have no real hope that my life can be better. So the ever-present N calls to me, from the closet. Someday I will listen to it's siren song.....

 

[TAW122]

I have my N and anti-emetics so can go anytime. That is extremely comforting to me.

Some days I think I might be getting just a tiny bit better. I am drinking less and slicing my arm less.

But I still can't get out of bed most days or do even the basic life functions.

I still have no real hope that my life can be better. So the ever-present N calls to me, from the closet. Someday I will listen to it's siren song.....

I'm glad you also have your method ready. If I find some recovery in the coming week, then I'll live longer, but if not, then I won't live past the end of May.

 

[Redt2go]

I'm glad you also have your method ready. If I find some recovery in the coming week, then I'll live longer, but if not, then I won't live past the end of May.

Recovery is slow and very difficult. Best of luck

 

[sólstafir]

Actually I don't, maybe when I first got suicidal, I felt some relief but now I've been living with suicidal ideation for so long and still haven't gone through with it, it feels horrible that I even have to go through with it because I can't see other ways. It's sad for me. It's sad there are millions of ways of living, and I basically choose to be weak. That's my opinion about my own 'possible' suicide. I show everyone else I was bad at living, so bad that I had to kill myself. If I imagine I could judge myself after death somehow, I would despise myself. But I don't have these feelings towards other people... I can't live inside others. I just know I feel like I'm forced to end my life and I don't feel no relief or happiness about it.

 

[CTB-London]

I know what you mean. I have had the meds to CTB for the past year but not quite brought myself to do it.

Knowing that I can end it all at will if everything gets too much is a great comfort to me.

 

[Misanthrope]

I am so torn. There is a comfort for me in that I know how to die relatively peacefully minimising risks of failure. It makes bare existence somewhat tolerable because I have my exit strategy available for when it all gets too bad which makes surviving in the moment easier. In bad moments I certainly think about it as a sort of comfort. But it provokes mixed feelings. There is relief in being mostly certain the dead no longer feel pain that sickness can't rob me of more of my dignity or leave me further isolated while surrounded by people... The fear of homelessness and the callousness and sadism of strangers ceases to exist as a threat. The absurdity of society busy making fresh victims dies with it. There is such peace in that thought of no longer witnessing or feeling anything. I almost long for it like the starved.

But it also provokes a deep sadness that it has come down to this. It is not that I want to die at all. On some level, it feels like a bitter defeat, that my enemies won over me after all. I think like many I want something better. A better option to present itself. But that better thing does not exist for me. I have exhausted the avenues of help in regards to mental health and physical issues, circumstance denies me other options. No amount of positive spin will alter reality as it is. Quality of life evaporated at some point and there is nothing left but a suffering husk pretending at life more out of habit than true want. I can't live vicariously through screens for however many years. That is just not enough, that is not life to me. I can't do this anymore and if I can't have better then I would rather nothing at all.

The relief of suicide as a gateway to nothing gives way to fear though because I have done this before back in 2004 and remember how hard it was to cross the line. How much mental will it took to fight down the feeling like I was going to throw up all my internal organs and shit out my intestines. My body knew what I intended. It was self-delusion that took me over the edge though. I wrongly believed at the time I was a burden and that people would be better off. That was not the case and I got to see the ripples of damage and what it did to my father and how I moved from being a man to being fragile porcelain. I still remember him telling me tearfully how he did not want to have to bury his own son and how intensely that statement was made at the time. There was also all the pain of the recovery. So when I think about suicide I also think about back then and it all comes back. Awfully though I am aware I don't have the same delusions and am filled with the anxiety I won't be able to cross the line and have to endure till the pain robs me of everything. If I do die I am going to inflict my father's worst fear on him that has gnawed at the back of his mind ever since then. It is worse than that because I did salvage a life and exist meaningfully for many people some who depend on me in various ways. The future awareness of the scale of hurt and damage fills me with dread, shame and an awful sense of defeat.

It does not matter how I dress up my decision as rational, to them it will feel like a two finger salute that their love and friendship was ultimately just not good enough in the end. A feeling I understand because of my own loss and my own nagging feelings. The relief of suicide is more that I won't get to bear witness to the fallout, that the struggle becomes moot and the world will keep turning without me. I just wish so desperately there was a better way...

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Oh gawd yes! I would be catatonic if for some reason I were forced to abandon my plans to ctb in the future. That alone is the greatest source of fleeting peace in my existence.

 

[Crimsonskye]

It's the one constant in my life.

 

[Partial-Elf]

I am so torn. There is a comfort for me in that I know how to die relatively peacefully minimising risks of failure. It makes bare existence somewhat tolerable because I have my exit strategy available for when it all gets too bad which makes surviving in the moment easier. In bad moments I certainly think about it as a sort of comfort. But it provokes mixed feelings. There is relief in being mostly certain the dead no longer feel pain that sickness can't rob me of more of my dignity or leave me further isolated while surrounded by people... The fear of homelessness and the callousness and sadism of strangers ceases to exist as a threat. The absurdity of society busy making fresh victims dies with it. There is such peace in that thought of no longer witnessing or feeling anything. I almost long for it like the starved.

But it also provokes a deep sadness that it has come down to this. It is not that I want to die at all. On some level, it feels like a bitter defeat, that my enemies won over me after all. I think like many I want something better. A better option to present itself. But that better thing does not exist for me. I have exhausted the avenues of help in regards to mental health and physical issues, circumstance denies me other options. No amount of positive spin will alter reality as it is. Quality of life evaporated at some point and there is nothing left but a suffering husk pretending at life more out of habit than true want. I can't live vicariously through screens for however many years. That is just not enough, that is not life to me. I can't do this anymore and if I can't have better then I would rather nothing at all.

The relief of suicide as a gateway to nothing gives way to fear though because I have done this before back in 2004 and remember how hard it was to cross the line. How much mental will it took to fight down the feeling like I was going to throw up all my internal organs and shit out my intestines. My body knew what I intended. It was self-delusion that took me over the edge though. I wrongly believed at the time I was a burden and that people would be better off. That was not the case and I got to see the ripples of damage and what it did to my father and how I moved from being a man to being fragile porcelain. I still remember him telling me tearfully how he did not want to have to bury his own son and how intensely that statement was made at the time. There was also all the pain of the recovery. So when I think about suicide I also think about back then and it all comes back. Awfully though I am aware I don't have the same delusions and am filled with the anxiety I won't be able to cross the line and have to endure till the pain robs me of everything. If I do die I am going to inflict my father's worst fear on him that has gnawed at the back of his mind ever since then. It is worse than that because I did salvage a life and exist meaningfully for many people some who depend on me in various ways. The future awareness of the scale of hurt and damage fills me with dread, shame and an awful sense of defeat.

It does not matter how I dress up my decision as rational, to them it will feel like a two finger salute that their love and friendship was ultimately just not good enough in the end. A feeling I understand because of my own loss and my own nagging feelings. The relief of suicide is more that I won't get to bear witness to the fallout, that the struggle becomes moot and the world will keep turning without me. I just wish so desperately there was a better way...

This was amazingly well said. We suicidal people really find ourselves between a rock and a hard place in this pro-life, highly social world

 

[Pulpit2018]

Not just relief,basically a whole coping mechanism.

 

[Redt2go]

Not just relief,basically a whole coping mechanism.

retweet. Got me through the hardest of times