I can count on a single hand how many "friends" I have. 2/5 are old friends, but we haven't talked in a while, we made plans to hangout in the summer but it never happened. 1 friend, we went to the gym together a few times in the past year, good guy, not someone I talk to much and it's a bit of a drive to hang with him. The other 1, I have hung out with a good bit this year, he's a really funny dude but we hardly hang out that often, we'll be doing our own thing for several months or 1 year and then hangout and catch up. Then the last 1, I talk to more often on facetime but we haven't hung out in person in years. Although we do plan on hanging out and working out together sometimes. So that's 5 I guess, but yeah on a daily basis in my personal life I don't currently have any friends. When I was in college and on a sports team, it was inevitable, I had a few friends. 2 out of those 5 I mentioned are from that same team. The other 3 are from my high school / middle school. After college it's pretty hard to make friends. I mean I love catching up with buddies online, networking with others with similar interests online, but it's nice to connect with others in person too. I wouldn't say it's impossible, but yeah MOST people I've met in my life have turned out to be fake as hell. They'll just sacrifice your emotions for the entertainment of others, then act like you're all cool when it's just the two of you. Or just make you look bad whenever girls come around to make themselves look better. I've only had 1 friend in my whole life who hasn't done me wrong in those ways. So I don't think it's impossible I just think 99% of people are dickheads and I've learned to be more selective with who I allow into my life. With toxic family members they can be quite hard to avoid, but at least I'm mentally in a better position where I no longer feel the need for validation. Aside from that, finding friends in general is hard. But if we want to build connections, we must place ourselves in positions to do so. And the good thing about putting yourself in situations where you meet more people is that, you are allowed to be yourself. When you're only in a town with people you've always known, but you eventually change (as all people do), they may criticize and mock you. When you meet new people, they no longer carry a lifetime of judgement about you. You no longer feel the need to match someone else's version of you, in their head. People you've always known look at you through a lense that shows the past version of you and doesn't like the new version of you. Because most humans hate change (terrible survival mechanism). So if you're not in an environment that encourages change and growth, you will likely never change, nor will you grow. I suppose online you can put yourself in certain environments which can be incredibly impactful, but let's all be honest.. I mean we all say we enjoy solitude, but that's only because basically everyone we've met has been a dickhead. If we had the option to snap our fingers and have friends we could actually do things with in person, friends who actually cared about us, I think we all would. The truth is, even if most people are dickheads, not everyone is a dickhead. Out of the 7 billion people around this world there's gotta be at least 1 other person you vibe with. Maybe they're not in your home town, maybe they're not in your country, or maybe they are, maybe there's a lot of them. The only way we can find out and connect with others is to put ourselves in those situations. That means being vulnerable, open to judgement & critique, but this time we should be okay with that and not take it so seriously. We've isolated ourselves, pushed others away, and stopped putting ourselves in positions to meet new people, we've been doing all of these things as a survival mechanism. And while it may have worked in the short term, in the long term, that same survival mechanism is the very thing that harms us. Humans are social animals. While we can find peace in certain degrees of isolation, complete isolation will literally drive you mad. As much as I hate this to be the truth, being lonely literally decreases your life expectancy. "While being alone and feeling alone are not the same thing, the effect on longevity is similar. The BYU study found that social isolation and living alone were even more harmful to a person's health than feelings of loneliness, increasing mortality risk by 29% and 32%, respectively." A 30% higher mortality rate due to being alone / feeling lonely is insane. Our emotions, our thoughts, our mind... it all plays a role in the health of our body, and same vise versa, it's all connected. And look, I enjoy solitude more than anyone. I can sit in my room alone and feel a great sense of peace in my own presence. I've also felt more lonely than ever in a room filled with people. I've felt alienated, bullied, & outcasted while surrounded by my own blood. How could I not learn to enjoy my own presence? How could I not prefer to be a lone wolf?
Well, I took a trip into the woods, all by myself. It was at the most beautiful, peaceful, & remote AirBNB you could even imagine. There was not another human being around for miles and miles. It was really nice. I enjoyed the fire pit, made some dinner, looked up at all the stars, woke up, made some breakfast, enjoyed the incredible view, caught up on some reading... But despite ALL of that, despite how amazing it was, I couldn't help but think to myself, "This would be so much more fun with another friend to enjoy this experience with." Despite everything I just said about being a long wolf, enjoying my own presence, etc. (I mean that's all great and can allow us to get back to a baseline of happiness and self love). After that, in order to truly live a full and rich life, I believe connecting with others is the way to do so. And you don't need 1000 friends or anything, maybe just a few or even just 1 really good friend. I believe the periods in my life when I could share these memories with others is when my life was the best. So, while isolation can be peaceful, that is only up to a certain degree. The solution isn't to build a list of fake friends, but to connect with just a few and build meaningful relationships. I'm not trying to act like an expert though, I have been pretty socially awkward at many times in my life, but I'd say first you gotta stop consciously attaching your identify to someone who's "socially awkward" because if you do then subconsciously your body and mind will do things to fulfill that belief. And after that, you gotta stop trying so hard. It's odd, because I am so competitive and with sports or games, the more you try the better you do. But with socializing it's like the Backwards Law, the less you try & the less you care, the easier and more natural it all becomes.
