Does anyone else find comfort in their suicidal thoughts?

[wanttodie]

I do find comfort in knowing my life well be over I so sick of life and need to end my life soon be glad when my life is over

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

Only comfort i can find is in the fact that i will really die one day. Hopefully sooner then later.

 

[TakeYourHappyPills]

Yes, all the time. I use it as a way to cope as well. Since I'm planning on dying soon nothing I do matters anyways

 

[brainpain2]

Absolutely! They remind me that there IS a way to end my chronic pain and that I don't HAVE to be here.

 

[WitheringAway]

For me that means that when things feel really bad or something bad happens I just think "I'm gonna ctb soon so who even cares" and then I kinda feel better after. Like none of this matters since I'm content with dying and nothing truly matters after death but I guess that goes into the good things too but normally its for the bad stuff. It's a weird feeling of being really unhappy and then feeling a little better knowing I'm gonna die anyway or at least hope so. I'm usually pessimistic but optimistic that when I try to ctb it'll go well and I'll die on the first try.

Yes. It's a relaxing thought that I day dream about all day and think about in bed so I feel relaxed enough to sleep

 

[Danny(UK)]

Yep definitely

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Honestly ctb thoughts are the only thing that calms me down.. It's sad but it's the truth.

 

[HappyMstake]

Yes of course, just knowing that if things happen to go south, I have a way out, makes me feel like I'm not hopeless.

 

[ItsAllTooLate]

A friend of mine compared it to alcoholism. Suicidality never truly goes away for some (if not all) people, like me. Every time I think of it there's a sense of comfort that I have a possible escape if things go awry. Like a spy conditioned to take a cyanide pill if things go horribly wrong.

 

[red_pen]

i used to, but now i wish it'd just stop. i mean after ten or so years of not having a single day without wanting to die it just gets exhausting
which is weird, since just last year i did take solace in these thoughts. either that or they'd bump off of me (i was so used to imagining my own destruction that it was entirely similar to simply thinking about the weather, or what to eat. just basic lol)

 

[HeadPressure]

Yes, once my mind is set to trying to ctb, I feel peaceful. Like there's no more stress, sadness or anything like that for a small period of time and it's absolutely great

 

[EraseRewind]

I've used my suicidal thoughts as a coping mechanism but they don't work so well now. Oddly those who assist with my mental wellbeing seem to get it, but I'm convinced that because of who I was they wouldn't be too concerned if I was successful in ctb.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

A friend of mine compared it to alcoholism. Suicidality never truly goes away for some (if not all) people, like me. Every time I think of it there's a sense of comfort that I have a possible escape if things go awry. Like a spy conditioned to take a cyanide pill if things go horribly wrong.

This really resonates with me. I have had these thoughts for most of my life, since a very young age. For a period I genuinely thought I had beaten them. That I would never feel like that again, but I think now that they were always just waiting for me. Forgotten maybe, but never gone.

On topic, as much as the thought of ending it all makes me feel many things, it does bring a strange kind of comfort. Control I guess. So many things happen to you in life that you can't control, but this is one thing you can? Something like that.

 

[draw a circle]

Oh word I do feel like that sometimes. Before I found this forum I usually went to read some fanfics in which the characters attempted suicide and it's like cathartic I guess? Like I'm projecting my problems to them lol. And then I will feel better. It's not the only way to make myself feel better, but when it's bad, it helps.

 

[Elbarado]

no not really

 

[Lost1804]

Certainly having most of my method sorted out brings some relief, but missing a vital necessity stresses me out a bit. I'd be much more content if I could get it all together.

 

[Incorrigible77777]

I used to care very much about my performance at work e.g. whether I'll be promoted. But thinking that I'm CTBing soon, I'm not caring so much about it. Even if I'm promoted to SDE II and then I CTBed, this is gonna cause even more loss to my company. So, whatever happens wouldn't matter so much to me.

 

[Ybother]

I definitely do. When I'm maximum depressed and suicidal it makes me feel a lot better because at least then I know I'm going to do something. Right now I've got some overdue work that I haven't done for months. Professors have been super lenient to me and I still haven't done anything. I know I need to. But I don't. At least when I'm suicidal I know that I'm going to do something, instead of dragging out my life whilst doing nothing to better it, you feel?

When shit happens and I'm not suicidal it's not great. Yeah I know I'm a coward. But better to be a coward and then CTB than be a coward and live, right? At least that's how I feel. Wish my antidepressants didn't work as well during these times. But then I feel like a fake when I'm doing alright because if I was committed to suicide then I should do it. Lol I hate myself even when it comes to this

Wow, I kind of relate to many of the posts on this thread! Except I'm a 3 times college dropout with no goals.
Whenever I find myself comparing myself to successful people my age or younger, the only thing that brings me comfort is the fact that it will all be over soon. I'm constantly being told how lazy and inconsistent I am. Well I often think about CTB, so there's a little consistency there. My grandmother tells me to take charge of my life; does ending it count?
I'm passively suicidal. Why not?

And this is how I deal with my feelings of inadequacy, I think about the liberation that death brings. Nothing else has worked for me so far ‍
I know I'm pathetic.

 

[the-eternal]

the most comforting safety net of all.

 

[BRAINWORMS]

Yes. I didn't start recovering from my last OCD episode until I started planning to CTB. Now I feel more empowered to live longer knowing that I have the ability and knowledge needed to gracefully bow out.

 

[Pan]

It gives me some degree of comfort to know that I can opt out Whenever I wish to.