Does anyone else feel they would rather ctb when in a good happy calm mood rather than depressed and stressed mood?

[HermitLonerGuy]

I suffer with depression and suicidal thoughts everyday, on rare occasions i experience some content , calmness and in a good mood.

So at those times i think to myself " now would be a good time to kill myself"

Idk about you, but to me it would seem better going out in a happy mood.

I know its very difficult for us who suffer depressions and struggles and its an oxymoron to want to die happy.

I just feel it would be a better way to go out and more pleasant ?

rather than crying and drowned in bleak morbidness even when dying.

 

[tyasma]

I'm the same. I doubt I'll ever have a "happy mood" last long enough for me to CTB with (more than a couple minutes), but an "okay, more or less content with things and not seething at everything my reality has to offer" could be ok.

Certainly better than dying while in any kind of episode... I've gone through enough for my last seconds (memories? afterlife question) alive to be unhinged. At the very least, I want to CTB while no crazy and freaking out. I may be asking for more than what's available for me but... Well, it'll be whatever fate has in store.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've never ever felt in a positive way towards existing. There is no relief in this life, every waking moment of mine is spent despising existence and wishing to not be aware of anything. But I would like to spend my last moments feeling calm and relieved that everything is finally coming to an end, that would be ideal. If I had N I know that I would feel that way and I would ctb as soon as possible.

But unfortunately this world makes it so we have to struggle in finding ways to die and maybe even resort to risky methods so I believe that at least to me it would be impossible to feel some kind of peace as I leave this world as the doubts and the worries will still remain. I believe that only those who are lucky die some kind of peaceful, pleasant death. The unfortunate reality is that death can certainly be unpleasant and involve suffering but if one succeeds at least they finally achieve freedom from the burden that is existence.

 

[nifii]

If i would end up killing myself i think i would do some fun things before to have somewhat of a happy ending and to die as the positive version of myself. It would be a nice last experience of life. However for me its kinda hard to feel actively suicidal outside of being in some sort of a depressive episode or while being filled with guilt and anxiety.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

I'm the same. I doubt I'll ever have a "happy mood" last long enough for me to CTB with (more than a couple minutes), but an "okay, more or less content with things and not seething at everything my reality has to offer" could be ok.

Certainly better than dying while in any kind of episode... I've gone through enough for my last seconds (memories? afterlife question) alive to be unhinged. At the very least, I want to CTB while no crazy and freaking out. I may be asking for more than what's available for me but... Well, it'll be whatever fate has in store.

yes thats true, it would not be good to die during a depressive episode imo its just bad vibes.

I've never ever felt in a positive way towards existing. There is no relief in this life, every waking moment of mine is spent despising existence and wishing to not be aware of anything. But I would like to spend my last moments feeling calm and relieved that everything is finally coming to an end, that would be ideal. If I had N I know that I would feel that way and I would ctb as soon as possible.

But unfortunately this world makes it so we have to struggle in finding ways to die and maybe even resort to risky methods so I believe that at least to me it would be impossible to feel some kind of peace as I leave this world as the doubts and the worries will still remain. I believe that only those who are lucky die some kind of peaceful, pleasant death. The unfortunate reality is that death can certainly be unpleasant and involve suffering but if one succeeds at least they finally achieve freedom from the burden that is existence.

im sorry you struggle, i do wish you feel calm and relieved and get the N you so desire, id love N as well.
i hope you find peace.

If i would end up killing myself i think i would do some fun things before to have somewhat of a happy ending and to die as the positive version of myself. It would be a nice last experience of life. However for me its kinda hard to feel actively suicidal outside of being in some sort of a depressive episode or while being filled with guilt and anxiety.

yeah sort of a bucket list would be fun.

 

[home]

Yeah, I get it. It sounds strange but for me it's like "I'm so happy I could just die!" and not in the good way.

But seriously though, I'd much rather go when I'm calm, than when I'm out of my mind. If I can't be content in life, I'd at least like to be at peace during death.

 

[Exact Change]

If I ctb while in a calm, happy state, it would confirm for me that I am making the right decision. Ending it all when I am feeling desperate could mean I am just reacting to something (that was the case when I made my attempt). It might also be a sign I'll have a strong SI and fail.

 

[feels_like_rain]

Absolutely. I would evaluate my overall quality of life first of course, but if i do make the decision to do it, i would want my last day to be a good one. I would want to be in a good mood, i would want the weather to be nice, and i would want my mind to be at peace. I don't want to suffer mentally or physically at the very end.

 

[Anon1337]

Yes. I want to CTB while in a good mood. Though I may only be able to ctb if I'm in a very depressed state to be able to overcome the SI.

 

[Walilamdzii]

I'm always in a volatile mood.

 

[Jadzia]

I am constantly suffering from severe physical and neurological symptoms from severe ME and I'm always depressed.

 

[Shivali]

... All my life I have not been very gentle with myself. On my last day I want to be calm and relaxed to return home joyfully (:

 

[Escape Artist]

This would be ideal. I think it would work out best for me, personally. I've been planning and planning and even when I feel well and in a pretty good mood I still know that I will have to CTB, so I'd rather do it then. It's tricky, of course, because I just want to enjoy the rare good days. I'm working on it, though. It may not work out this way but, after all, many people are only able to CTB on good days because that's when they have the energy and ability to think clearly.

 

[WaitingForMyRide]

I think I'm going to take a massive dose of painkillers before my exit. (SN) Make the ride a bit more comfy.
That's a tough question and thought about it myself. Should I get lit and feel good one last time, or be at my absolute lowest to kill SI? Decisions, decisions.

 

[whatevs]

This is something that's commonly in my mind in the rare days I feel refreshed and energetic. I definitely believe we should go out in a day like that, and not wait for the lowest point. But you have to be sure that there's no hope left to do that, and most of us are not there.

 

[spixs_macaw]

I also want to go when I'm calm and not when I am completely out of mind. But I know that I will be nervous and anxious that it may fail or someone - for some reason - could find me too early.

 

[Wannagonow]

I will not ctb during one of the very rare happy moments I have. It will most definitely happen when I'm at my lowest. I will be nervous and afraid (I don't want to fail) , but I do believe I'll be calm.

 

[Blahhh]

Yes, definitely! I sometimes feel rather calm and cozy even. This often late at night when I'm tired, sometimes not.
And it's in those times that I feel that now would be the time to do it.

 

[whileIstillmatter]

Yes to this. I almost consider it a precondition. I want to know that I'm coming from a place of agency and wonder not from desperation and anger. I'm really glad you brought this up as I've been thinking about this for a while and that makes the whole thing feel more empowering.

 

[DetachedDreamer97]

It's not oxymoron... I kinda have the same mindset. In fact, I'll go a step further and say I refuse to die until I'm satisfied, and when that day comes, I'll use my perfect method.

To die out of sadness and as an escape won't be very fulfilling.