Venting Does anyone else feel like they have to ctb?

[bpdme]

I feel so guilty because I should not have to be like this. I had potential and optimism but it's all dampened by my poor mental health leading me to be destructive and impulsive. I gave up on my dreams because of anxiety and now I am unemployed and can't get a job because I can't drive (live in an area where there isn't much public transport) and employers have said I am too nervous. I ruined so much for a boy I had attachment issues with due to my bpd and now we don't even speak and he is doing fine while I gave up everything.

And all of this is my fault. I feel like I'm two people trapped in one body who are opposite to each other. I want to be loving and kind but I lash out at everyone and push them away. I feel like I'm not truly me and can't achieve being free unless I CTB. I often ask God to give me a sign to carry on even though I am not religious and things just get worse. I feel like I'm meant to do this.

I am going to be using the SN method and it feels so strange that I know that everything is going to end when I always thought things were going to get better but I ruined everything for myself. My younger self would be so disappointed in what I've become and did not achieve. I love life and people in my heart and soul but my brain is such a dark place I am not able to experience it and no one knows who I truly am. I was so dumb to think things would get better and I could turn my life around.

 

[Mr2005]

Could have written a lot of that myself. I've ruined my life only the person I am now is mighty disappointed in the younger one. What keeps me going is trying to help others not make the same mistakes. Passing on what I've learned while I'm still here. In a way I'm trying to forgive myself and find some reason to live

 

[Stan]

I think that self realisation that it is the only option is something that is never discussed. Something or things have brought you to this point, sometimes self analysis of that reason can be painful as it just keeps opening old wounds. I desperately try not to think about the reasons now and just keep to my plan ahead. I may be avoiding the issue but at the same time it makes my day better by driving those thoughts out. I don't think you were dumb to try and turn things around, better to try and fail than to not try at all. I hope you find yourself at peaceful times during the day as to be able to rest from the onslaught.

 

[Mr2005]

You've got ten years on me but I know it was 23 when I first started panicking.

 

[Mr2005]

I don't know if I should say

 

[Nem]

Sorry to hear! I have to ctb, my dr nearly fuckin killed me and I have brain, muscle, kidney and nerve damage...that's a fuckin lot! My life got sodomized after I met my ex who was a sociopath/control freak. When a dr fucks you up...it's over!!!
Peace/hugs

 

[Reyki6667]

Yes..... I m becoming more and more spiteful about everything... So yeah, to save myself from becoming insane once I will lose my self control.

 

[schopenh]

Yes. I have an untreatable neuropathic pain syndrome that makes life unbearable. Any time between now and death, however long, is just torture.

 

[Nem]

That's okay, I was just curious!

Oh my goodness, you've really been put through it. Is there any chance of recovery at all? It sounds awful and hope things pick up for you soon. Peace/hugs back to you!

Thanks!
Unfortunately no, nothing damaged has recovered and everything is permanent. When I was brought to the hospital the paramedics fucked off and left me to die in a wheelchair, hospital refused to treat me and I should've gone psycho but I didn't. If I saw a paramedic or dr or nurse lying on the side of the road bleeding to death..they would not receive help from me
Peace/hugs

 

[MaybeSoon]

Yes I feel forced by circumstances and mental health.. It makes me feel very bitter but I know it's the best for everyone.

 

[Imlostwithouthim]

I feel so guilty because I should not have to be like this. I had potential and optimism but it's all dampened by my poor mental health leading me to be destructive and impulsive. I gave up on my dreams because of anxiety and now I am unemployed and can't get a job because I can't drive (live in an area where there isn't much public transport) and employers have said I am too nervous. I ruined so much for a boy I had attachment issues with due to my bpd and now we don't even speak and he is doing fine while I gave up everything.

And all of this is my fault. I feel like I'm two people trapped in one body who are opposite to each other. I want to be loving and kind but I lash out at everyone and push them away. I feel like I'm not truly me and can't achieve being free unless I CBT. I often ask God to give me a sign to carry on even though I am not religious and things just get worse. I feel like I'm meant to do this.

I am going to be using the SN method and it feels so strange that I know that everything is going to end when I always thought things were going to get better but I ruined everything for myself. My younger self would be so disappointed in what I've become and did not achieve. I love life and people in my heart and soul but my brain is such a dark place I am not able to experience it and no one knows who I truly am. I was so dumb to think things would get better and I could turn my life around.

Exactly how I am feeling. I just lost the love of my life because my mental health caused him a year of hell. I drove him away just as I got better and achieved this new lease of life, he left me. He won't give me the chance to show him how different everything will be, I have nothing left now. As soon as I get the right method that gives me enough time to text him goodbye before he gets to the house to stop me I am outta this pathetic life of mine.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Yes. I have an untreatable neuropathic pain syndrome that makes life unbearable. Any time between now and death, however long, is just torture.

You know I understand because I have the same condition you have. I just urge you to say Complex Regional Pain Syndrome instead of neuropathic pain so this disease gets some light she'd on it because no one but those who have it know about it. If you say cancer people gasp but if you say CRPS people look at you like you have three heads. So if you could call it that it would be great for all people who have it.
I don't have to but if I want to put an end to this excruciating pain that I experience ever day of my life than I have to. Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.

 

[schopenh]

You know I understand because I have the same condition you have. I just urge you to say Complex Regional Pain Syndrome instead of neuropathic pain so this disease gets some light she'd on it because no one but those who have it know about it. If you say cancer people gasp but if you say CRPS people look at you like you have three heads. So if you could call it that it would be great for all people who have it.
I don't have to but if I want to put an end to this excruciating pain that I experience ever day of my life than I have to. Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.

I do agree with you that to use CRPS consistently would be good for CRPS awareness. But I only use CRPS myself to simplify when needed, as really I only tick maybe 2 / 4 of the diagnostic criteria. My primary complaint is pain and it is radicular pain. But like CRPS, that pain is unreasonably overwhelming and has existed long beyond the inciting trauma. I don't have any edema or swelling or other symptoms though. I've been diagnosed with Failed Back Surgery Syndrome, CRPS even Arachnoiditis. But none of these are quite acurate and FBSS is pretty much meaningless. Exactly what I have is: non-diabetic lumbosacral radiculoplexus neuropathic pain syndrome.

 

[Kingkelly]

Yes i have severe chronic pain and i destroyed my face with plastic surgery i did not need. I want to die everyday. I cant live like this anymore. Society doesnt accept me looking like this. I cant take it anymore. I wish i never fucking sat in that chair and let him destroy my beauty. WHy why why why why.

 

[Final Escape]

I'm a prostitute and I don't feel capable of getting out of it so yea I feel it's the only way out for me. I'm too broken to recover at this point. It's not just the job it's many things compounded. There's no energy, desire, or hope.

 

[Sha70]

You seem like a lovely and caring person. I wish I could use this negativity as a away to help others! I feel like I kept thinking at 18 it'll be better, then when I am 21, but now I am almost 23 with no prospects and I am no use to society. Everyone thinks I am not trying too. I always talked about what I could achieve and I have achieved nothing and done nothing. I have spent most of my life in bed due to mental health problems being unbearable.

I hope you find peace with yourself and learn to forgive yourself, the fact that you are trying is a reason to live. Life is very beautiful, I believe in you!

Been there and done that..... in time it may get better for you. I am much older at this point in my life that I know for a fact it will not get better for me.

 

[Passersby]

Hello y'all, yes I am unfortunately determined to ctb. Like some others have stated sometimes things are permenant. I've been fighting my issues that have caused me to ctb now for 5 yrs. it would take too long for me to go into detail about my health issues and people would be like wow that sounds really messed up. Never even heard of things like this before. Some doctors refused to listen to me and believe me. You get to a point where you have chased something to death and you know that there is no other way to avoid a long life of suffering. It's like beating a dead horse. I can continue to lie to myself and say maybe magic will fall from the sky and my situation will change but I know that's not true. I just haven't decide on what method yet. I would prefer n but I don't think I have a very good chance at making that happen. Due to my physical limitation and mental sufffering I cannot travel around the world to chase it down. I also don't want to risk trying though the mail and possible having the cops get it and bust me fir it. So I don't know. I might go with nitrogen or I might just hang myself in a hotel room soon. The main thing is I am done and I don't know how much longer I can take this. I might do it sometime soon on impulse but it really wouldn't be on impulse because I have been dealing with it for yrs like I said. I just need to figure out where and when and how. One day the symptoms might be killing me so much though that I just go with hanging like I said. Many people have had to do this .

 

[ladolcemorte]

I get it. "Wasted Potential" could be the title of my memoires. (If anyone wanted to read my memoires which they wont). And people keep telling me "oh you have so much potential". And it is devastating because I keep trying to access that potential, but I cannot. And even if I could, there is too much damage done already.

 

[Kodama]

I get it. "Wasted Potential" could be the title of my memoires. (If anyone wanted to read my memoires which they wont). And people keep telling me "oh you have so much potential". And it is devastating because I keep trying to access that potential, but I cannot. And even if I could, there is too much damage done already.

So am I ...
I guess a lot of people will be surprised when i'll CTB :/

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Hey there,'

Welcome-- i could have written your post word for word. I am certain that I have bpd, but I refuse to get officially diagnosed. I am going to CTB for sure, and it breaks my heart because like so many here, if there had been proper intervention long before now, I would not have gotten to this point. Unlike others. however, I had gone though systems- No one f all the institutions in my childhood got me help- This is a horrific condition- and if the wrong crisis arises, sometimes one simply cannot recover- like my boy from last summer- but he was pathological too--- Of course though- I took all the damage- I decided I am done with all this shit, this life is a shithole- well, at least for us who got really crappy cosmic lottery tickets.

Let me tell you something, people love to idolize people who overcome thier circumstaces---- Like the dude with no arms or legs who travels the world, is a public speaker and has a beautiful wife and kids----- They say one thing-- ITS WAS MY MIND THAT MADE ME OVER COME--- But what do you do when the faculty one needs to make decisions, motivation, emotions is compromised? Some of us, where abused in the just the right way and just the right time that the very thing we need to survive is the very thing that is broken. Its not as simple as "making a decision not not feel sorry for myself" -- Well guess what? In order to make a decsion like that, something in your mind had to be working properly, even if you had trauma or suffering. SOMETHING MANAGED TO STAY INTACT, WHERE WITH US the "bpd/PTSD/personality disorder" group---- is not intact. Deep is the wounding. We are missing pieces, the relational program never got installed. thats why we feel like bottomless pits, empty shells--- ITS HORRIFIC.

No one should have to live like this- doomed to endlessly search for a life preserver which usually is another human being which either never comes or shows up in abusive form.

to be broken in the area of being able to relate to self and others is the ultimate curse, because we are buy nature social beings, we need community, closeness, bonding, connection, love, affirmation------ If a person is deprived of these things- or has them but cannot experince them- IMO is perfectly justified in suicide. Why live if we can't normally love self and other?

But guess what? For me, when I die, I fianally will know that this was not my fault. I did not choose the way the brutal abuse would impact my emotioanl development, which then would make me ill prepared for the real world----- and for me, by the time an answer came- I was simply done. I was tired, I was bitter, the hate and rage finally won.

your not alone- and bpd is not anything anyone would ever choose- its like the people who have the chronic physical pain that almost no drug can alliviate- we are the emotioanl version of that--- on an endless search for relief... living like slaves.....

Many do recover---- there is hope for many----- but it depends on each individuals circumstances. Some make it, many don't----

I hope you find the answers, freedom and relief in your journey. You deserve it.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Yes. Due to irremediable poverty and, um, aesthetic misfortune.

 

[Nem]

Yes i have severe chronic pain and i destroyed my face with plastic surgery i did not need. I want to die everyday. I cant live like this anymore. Society doesnt accept me looking like this. I cant take it anymore. I wish i never fucking sat in that chair and let him destroy my beauty. WHy why why why why.

Sorry
Drs suck fucking ass!!!!!!!!!

 

[I screwed up]

Could have written a lot of that myself. I've ruined my life only the person I am now is mighty disappointed in the younger one. What keeps me going is trying to help others not make the same mistakes. Passing on what I've learned while I'm still here. In a way I'm trying to forgive myself and find some reason to live

U could have been talking for me there mate ... Every word u said right out of my mind. .. I m a complete waste of potential and a far cry from what I could have been ..I let down everyone around me ... Specially my family

 

[Moon Flower]

I feel a lot like I don't have what it takes to get by in life without relying on the kindness of strangers. I'm almost 30 with no skills, education, and I can't drive, plus being disabled. Time and circumstance are off my side and I don't want to be a burden to anyone

 

[buttercup02]

Thank you so much, you're so kind. I have only joined the forum today and overwhelmed at how kind people are to each other here. I hope you find your peace too.

I joined recently also and I've noticed the same thing. Godspeed, OP.

 

[Talokin]

I can very much relate to part of your pain (my mental health caused a loved one hell). I'm not "better" but I do have better days. And then I feel even worse, because I'm aware of how horrible I was to him. I've also been planning on CTB for a very long time (I actually met him on another suicide forum). I'm looking to talk to people who understand this type of pain AND who want to CTB. Most places are dedicated to "recovery".... It's not an option for me anymore.

PM me if you'd like.

fyi -my method is Carbon Monoxide, created by sulphuric acid and formic acid.

Exactly how I am feeling. I just lost the love of my life because my mental health caused him a year of hell. I drove him away just as I got better and achieved this new lease of life, he left me. He won't give me the chance to show him how different everything will be, I have nothing left now. As soon as I get the right method that gives me enough time to text him goodbye before he gets to the house to stop me I am outta this pathetic life of mine.

 

[LMLN]

Yes. I feel like it's just a matter of time. So far I've been staying around for loved ones. But that can only go on for so long, staying for others.