Venting does anyone else feel like even ctb is too much? effort?

[alivefornow]

I feel like I just can't do it. I'm trapped because I can't kill myself, nor can I stop thinking about killing myself. It's horrible and I don't wish it on anyone.

 

[Freyja13]

Yeeeesssss I feel this a lot too. My bed is like my home base these days. It's so hard to get out of it and do almost anything that isn't moving to my computer chair. Even that is too much oftentimes. If I could I'd just love to be unconscious forever (until I like die of dehydration so I guess ~seven days lol?). But yeah it's really hard to leave my bed cuz like... what's the point? Trying to make a suicide plan kinda sucks too cuz I have so little money and my preferred method of fentanyl (preferably carfentanil) mixed with benzos costs money and I don't have any connections I'm willing to use. I could try to go through one of my friends but christ I really don't wanna involve them in this. I know my death will introduce more pain into the people around me but like I'm in too much pain rn for that to outweigh suicide. Idk I just want to minimise the damage I'll do by leaving but I do want ro leave cuz I really don't see my quality of life improving to a point that I could enjoy life.

 

[Jan1193]

I'm not feeling alone meanwhile I read you guys. On the inside, I feel so ashamed for letting my house like a sh*t. Dirt dishes for weeks, dirt clothes for f****n months. Insects and dirty in all my (mother and grand-parents) house and I barely have energy for wake up and endure another day. I'm full of shame, sometimes I want to pay someone to help me to clean at least a half that I have to clean, but I'm scared of the judge. How st*pid of me, no?

 

[iamsofkntired]

Yes , and having to plan everything and say goodbye and pick a date and time and worry is just so exhausting , I wish there was a button we can just press and leave