Does anyone else feel fundamentally broken?

[areyousafe??]

I've always felt like I'm fundamentally broken and inherently weak. I feel like God created me already broken, and inferior to everyone else around me.

I've been interested in attending an ACA meeting for a while now, and went to my first meeting yesterday. It was a group of about 8 people, sitting around in a circle. They started off by getting someone to read off a piece of paper, and I felt the tears coming when I listened to what she was reading out. I couldn't control the tears coming, started feeling overwhelmed and ended up bolting out of the room. I'm so embarrassed that everyone saw what an emotional mess I am. I'm so sensitive and emotionally unstable, it's honestly embarrassing.

I feel fundamentally broken and no amount of antidepressants are going to fix this. I no longer even desire to feel happy or believe things will get better with me being the way I am, so I've stopped taking them.

I spoke with my psychiatrist a few days ago who asked me what will make my life worth living. My honest answer is not much. I haven't achieved anything in life, I no longer have any dreams or desires. When I was a teenager I wanted to adopt a child and raise him/her on my own...but not anymore. I have no reason to keep living, other than to avoid making my family upset and creating them stress in having to deal with the aftermath of my suicide. My life has been empty, it is pointless and meaningless.

Yesterday I borrowed the book "Reasons to stay alive" by Matt Haig. For the last few years, I feel a pervasive sense of hopelessness and despair.

Matt Haig writes:

One of the key symptoms of depression is to see no hope. No future. Far from the tunnel having light at the end of it, it seems like it is blocked at both ends, and you are inside it....the fact that this book exists is proof that depression lies. Depression makes you think things that are wrong.

I've had depressive episodes throughout my life, I'm now in my 30s. I don't recall a time when I've felt happy and it lasted before depression hit me once again. The darkness have always, always come back. I can't feel joy or enjoyment without it being inevitably pulled away. Happiness has never lasted so at what point do I just have to say that living will never be enjoyable and just end it all?

It's a fact I'm broken and it's a fact I will never experienced happiness, joy or contentment which lasts. It's a fact that's how I was created and that's how I'll always be.

 

[Electra]

The darkness have always, always come back. I can't feel joy or enjoyment without it being inevitably pulled away. Happiness has never lasted so at what point do I just have to say that living will never be enjoyable and just end it all?

I feel you there. Everytime I think I got better, I lose something that made it okay for me. It's like a sick joke fr. I feel like nothing is worth pursuing, because the lows get me so down I almost feel like I won't make it everytime. I don't know at what point I'll make the decision to ctb tbh.

 

[areyousafe??]

I feel you there. Everytime I think I got better, I lose something that made it okay for me. It's like a sick joke fr. I feel like nothing is worth pursuing, because the lows get me so down I almost feel like I won't make it everytime. I don't know at what point I'll make the decision to ctb tbh.

Yes I get that too. When my psychiatrist asked me what would make life worthwhile, I wanted to respond "Nothing. Nothing is worth pursuing".

Everytime I feel "happy", I always think to myself "but how long is this feeling going to last?". Happiness has always been a temporary feeling. I know people say life is not all roses and rainbows, and you live life to feel those moments of joy, but those moments for me are few and far between. I cannot see a reason to keep going and now I'm trying to find a reason from a book.

 

[Hollowman]

Yes. I'm screwed I can't connect and form meaningful relationships. I'm trying to outlast my mom. But I'm so sick and tired of myself I wish I could go rn.

 

[areyousafe??]

Yes. I'm screwed I can't connect and form meaningful relationships. I'm trying to outlast my mom. But I'm so sick and tired of myself I wish I could go rn.

It is hard for me to connect to people irl because I find it hard to be vulnerable around people. I feel like I always have to put forth the best version of myself, and no one is going to like me if they knew what I'm really like.

I'm tired of being me. I feel like I have to make myself less broken in order to keep living, and that's just too hard. I wish I could go rn too, but the timing just isn't right.

 

[Dejected 55]

I'm definitely beyond broken. I feel like over the past year I have shattered and it is just impossible to put those kinds of pieces back together again.

 

[The Unanswered Q]

Have brain damage, so literally am fundamentally broken.

 

[777cave]

I've always felt like I'm fundamentally broken and inherently weak. I feel like God created me already broken, and inferior to everyone else around me.

I've been interested in attending an ACA meeting for a while now, and went to my first meeting yesterday. It was a group of about 8 people, sitting around in a circle. They started off by getting someone to read off a piece of paper, and I felt the tears coming when I listened to what she was reading out. I couldn't control the tears coming, started feeling overwhelmed and ended up bolting out of the room. I'm so embarrassed that everyone saw what an emotional mess I am. I'm so sensitive and emotionally unstable, it's honestly embarrassing.

I feel fundamentally broken and no amount of antidepressants are going to fix this. I no longer even desire to feel happy or believe things will get better with me being the way I am, so I've stopped taking them.

I spoke with my psychiatrist a few days ago who asked me what will make my life worth living. My honest answer is not much. I haven't achieved anything in life, I no longer have any dreams or desires. When I was a teenager I wanted to adopt a child and raise him/her on my own...but not anymore. I have no reason to keep living, other than to avoid making my family upset and creating them stress in having to deal with the aftermath of my suicide. My life has been empty, it is pointless and meaningless.

Yesterday I borrowed the book "Reasons to stay alive" by Matt Haig. For the last few years, I feel a pervasive sense of hopelessness and despair.

Matt Haig writes:

One of the key symptoms of depression is to see no hope. No future. Far from the tunnel having light at the end of it, it seems like it is blocked at both ends, and you are inside it....the fact that this book exists is proof that depression lies. Depression makes you think things that are wrong.

I've had depressive episodes throughout my life, I'm now in my 30s. I don't recall a time when I've felt happy and it lasted before depression hit me once again. The darkness have always, always come back. I can't feel joy or enjoyment without it being inevitably pulled away. Happiness has never lasted so at what point do I just have to say that living will never be enjoyable and just end it all?

It's a fact I'm broken and it's a fact I will never experienced happiness, joy or contentment which lasts. It's a fact that's how I was created and that's how I'll always be.

Sensitive and emotionally unstable is me rn. I can't be trusted in any social setting. I'm a heartbeat away from shattering.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Im going with shattered also.

 

[Ihatemonday]

I get that also. I'm not the best at talking about my feelings, but I get you when you say 'fundamentally broken'. It's that self-awareness that you were born to live in pain for the rest of your days stuck in a cycle of patching core cracks with temporary fixes, hoping they'll make it worth living for. Cracks that "normal" people don't have, yet, you've lived with them ever since you can remember. And you know deep down that, those cracks are like open wounds that will never close. You're aware that you're sentenced to live miserably forever, that true genuine happiness is for you only an impossible dream, and at that point, there's no point in trying or pretending.
People like us were born with a missing core piece, one that is fundamental. And, in my point of view, there's no point pretending that our faulty selves can or will ever be fixed.

 

[areyousafe??]

Sensitive and emotionally unstable is me rn. I can't be trusted in any social setting. I'm a heartbeat away from shattering.

Me too.

 

[Namelesa]

I feel so broken. I feel like my mental pain tolerance is so low meaning I barely can handle anything and can change emotions quickly. I feel so helpless on my own and regularly need reassurance and comfort from others to have some semblance of contentedness. If I mange to get people that do that for me, then maybe I can slowly piece myself back together but I can easily just do something wrong so easily if I don't constantly be paranoid and thinking about what I do and hurt others and have them potentially leave me which lead to everything falling apart again. I don't think I am ever going to mend myself enough to the point where I can function.

 

[areyousafe??]

I get that also. I'm not the best at talking about my feelings, but I get you when you say 'fundamentally broken'. It's that self-awareness that you were born to live in pain for the rest of your days stuck in a cycle of patching core cracks with temporary fixes, hoping they'll make it worth living for. Cracks that "normal" people don't have, yet, you've lived with them ever since you can remember. And you know deep down that, those cracks are like open wounds that will never close. You're aware that you're sentenced to live miserably forever, that true genuine happiness is for you only an impossible dream, and at that point, there's no point in trying or pretending.
People like us were born with a missing core piece, one that is fundamental. And, in my point of view, there's no point pretending that our faulty selves can or will ever be fixed.

You described it so well. I feel like antidepressants are just a bandaid solution, and that there are what you described as "core cracks" within myself. I feel so different to the "normal" people around me, people who are able to function in life without falling apart into pieces. People who are strong and emotionally stable.

What's the point in pursuing happiness when you know that it's going to come crashing down eventually anyway? Happiness is fleeting because I am inherently weak and fundamentally broken and every little thing breaks me apart.