Discussion Does anyone else fantasize about their suicide/death?

[unnormal9]

Every fucking day. I just want to be at peace with my game.

 

[Unknown21]

I imagine myself take the cup of sn and fall asleep peacefully.

 

[Not_a_happy_Waf]

I don't know if it's just me, but (like the title says) does anyone here fantasize about their own suicide or death? Although not in the title, I'm also including self-harm fantasies.

For instance, whenever I feel like I humiliated myself, I imagine myself banging against the nearest hard object until I feel lightheaded as punishment for being so foolish before hanging myself right then and there with everyone to cheer me on and encourage what I'm doing for the sake of repenting for my wrongdoing.

These fantasies usually don't follow the rules of reality since I am unable to feel pain from these actions; it doesn't negatively affect anyone; no one stops me from my imagined attempt, and if they do, they only make the attempt more gruesome; and certain scenarios I imagine would be impossible to do alone, rather someone would have to murder me if they were to make these fantasies real.

Sometimes, if I'm feeling extra artistic, I tend to add "symbolic meaning" to my imagined CTB location and time. Generally, the effort and method of CTB varies wildly depending on my mood, interests, and external events.

If you do, feel free to share an imagined scenario (or as many as you want) of yours if you're comfortable!

Honestly, I do fantasise about it a lot, and my ideal way to have my light go out would be somewhere cold and snowy, preferably in the middle of a forest. It's something that sounds romantic and appealing to me, the wind whistling, the trees far in the sky, and just a quiet, warm embrace of thick, soft snow. Not realistic thinking, but it's a nice thought.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

although I'd likely never CBT with this method; I often think about stabbing myself and slowly slipping out of consciousness in a pool of blood. not sure what makes this method so appealing to me- it's just how I've always imagined I'd go out

I don't know for sure, but maybe it's because you want to experience a slow, peaceful transition to death/the afterlife rather than an abrupt end? Gradually losing your grasp on life as you savor your final moments.

mostly the violent and painful ones since i'm too scared to actually try them. i often think about my close ones finding my body and my funeral too

No shame in testing out gruesome methods in the safety of one's mind. I've done it plenty of times whenever I'm hit with inspiration (usually from media like Danganronpa or Hannibal).

Funeral fantasies are also common for me too! I've spent hours contemplating each person who would bother to attend my funeral and how they would react based on their personality. To me, it lessens the sting of my future passing since I'm prepared for each person's reaction. I can't be hurt by people relishing in my death if I already knew about it months in advance. So far, I feel as if my mental depictions of them are not accurate since they're plagued by my bias, but if I keep thinking about it, maybe they'll become more faithful to the source material.

I do this a lot. Most often, I think about falling from a very tall building. I would never dare to do it irl, but the thought of being able to let go of all pain and misery, to let go of this shitty meat cage and just the thought of the city lights flashing before my eyes as I fell down sounds incredibly beautiful. Sounds kinda cringe lmao but that's my thought.

To simply escape from the misery and suffering of this world by taking a leap of faith, appreciating your final sensations as you fly into the endless tranquillity of death. Your interpretation isn't cringe, rather I like it!

Finding beauty in the most solemn and chilling of things is a wonderful skill to have imo. It speaks of your endurance and perseverance. When you're able to find these types of things beautiful, it reflects how you were able to survive despite all the odds stacked against you if that makes sense.

If anything, I fear that I'm the one who sounds cringe and nonsensical!

I like to imagine myself as a cute femboy who is a popular streamer and one day I decide to make my last stream ever. I like to imagine I kill myself via various methods, often during tragic, romantic scenes like trying to save myself from a stalker or being sent to stop someone's sucidal attempt and deciding to join them and ctb together.

I hope you don't take this as me thinking you're weird, but this is a very interesting situation and method to CTB with! And, this probably doesn't need to be said, but you're not alone in these types of fantasies either. To keep it brief, similar scenarios I have are ones where I'm famous in a particular field of something (such as a famous journalist) but die because of my expertise. (If we're continuing with the journalist scenario, it's because I get assassinated by a government.)

I don't want to come across as rude or insensitive, but what would be your aesthetic? As a streamer, I mean. I really enjoyed reading about the unique creations of your mind, and I guess the right way to say it is that I'm invested in them!

I'm sorry if this is stepping over your boundaries. You don't have to reply if you're uncomfortable!

Idk why but I fantasize dying by sn and hurting myself or being beat up so bad by someone else I want to be hurt by someone

Maybe it's because you think you deserved to be beat up by someone in order to be forgiven for something you did? Usually fantasies that involve being hurt by others reflect a desire to "pay" for one's "misdeeds" through physical means.

Oh all the time. It's easy, habitual and it's a relief. When everything is too much, the thought of death is one of the most consistent comforts. I know it's probably not a healthy coping mechanism or whatever, but it's not like I have anything more accessible or reliable. I also just stopped caring if other people don't agree with how I cope (as long as it isn't hurting others of course)

I mean, if we're going by what other people think of things, us being on this site is practically a crime. Regardless, I'm glad that you're able to stick to being yourself and doing things that makes you comfortable! (As long as you want to, of course, but that goes without saying.)

I don't really fault the people who choose violent methods as we live in an anti-choice, prohibitionist society, the State and masses will do everything and anything they can (within their ability and means) to prevent CTB, even banning peaceful means and what not, thus forcing people who are desperate to choose violent, brutal, and messy ways to exit suffering.

We live in a world where it's commonplace for people in power to force their desires and ideals onto us, so while it is unfortunate, our means of CTB will most likely decrease as time goes on.

The greatest irony is that, by placing a stigma on suicide and suicidal people in general, they're only pushing these people to CTB. They only want help, but due to people's prejudice, they get deprived of their rights and are treated unfairly instead, exacerbating the feelings that makes them want to CTB in the first place.

As often as anyone else, i'd assume. Mostly thinking about how i'd do it and finally tying the knot or whatever. But personally what I always catch myself thinking about is the aftermath. My family finding me, my funeral, the reactions of others, etc. Don't really know why. I think it might be because my subconscious feels like i'd finally get the attention it wants? Not really sure, as I also feel bad making my family go through something like that, but I can't stop fantasizing about finally being gone and there being people to miss me

I wouldn't know the exact reason either, but I also fantasize about the aftermath, so you're the only one who does it.

For me, it's due to the message it would send, so I suppose you could consider it for the attention. I've been told to kill/harm myself, so my death would be a message to prove to these people that unlike them, who immediately cowers at the consequences of telling someone to CTB, I actually stood up and followed through on their word.

I fantasize about it all the time. It's very comforting to me. What a relief to be able to retreat into a fantasy world where I don't exist. For me it's a lot like window shopping for a vacation. I might not have the money or the passport that I would need to take that trip to paradise, but it's still fun to look at hotel webpages and imagine what I would do. Suicide fantasy is the same way - a nice, comfortable mental escape from reality.
Honestly I think idle fantasy about suicide is more helpful than harmful - it wastes time, but it provides a risk-free outlet for my suicidal thoughts. I'm interested to know what others think, though. Do you see it as harmful to fantasize about suicide?

Your comparison of fantasizing about suicide to window shopping is extremely accurate! I love it! Yes, the methods of which one imagines how to CTB are often unrealistic as they're difficult to accomplish and/or go through with, but there's still great comfort to be found in imagining what one would do.

As for your question, I suppose it depends on very specific circumstances. (And I mean very specific circumstances.) However, generally, I don't think it's harmful. No one is hurt by fantasizing about suicide, so why does it matter? Who're we to police what other people think and feel? If people don't like something, then they don't have to interact with it or think about it.

Honestly, I do fantasise about it a lot, and my ideal way to have my light go out would be somewhere cold and snowy, preferably in the middle of a forest. It's something that sounds romantic and appealing to me, the wind whistling, the trees far in the sky, and just a quiet, warm embrace of thick, soft snow. Not realistic thinking, but it's a nice thought.

It certainly is a beautiful way to pass on. Despite the slim chances of it truly happening, I sincerely hope you get the chance to die the way you want to. You deserve to die on your terms, as does everyone else.

 

[nighty_nite13]

For the past 15 years or so I've been passively suicidal. I've fantasized how nice it would be to die by drunk driver, be a victim in some type of mass shooting, or have a sudden diagnosis of terminal illness and be gone in a month. I'd be celebrated, oh so brave, maybe have some flowers and a roadside cross.

The past two years it's been actively trying to plan it out. Last year I was taken off Cymbalta too quickly and for the first time ever the thought of dying brought such peace and relief I attempted 3 days later.

It's been a hellscape of a year since so I get constant confirmations it's time to go. I am continually looking at Google maps for secluded, looking up calibers and gun laws, and planning how I'm going to leave my house set up. I have decided there is absolutely nothing wrong with my passive or active thoughts. I have struggled for years and have tried everything under the sun and I only continue to feel worse. Imo biologically speaking I fully believe some of us are built with self destruct buttons to control the population numbers. We understand so little about the human brain who are we to say our suicidal actions are wrong.

I'm so grateful to have found this site. I don't verbalize any of this and it makes everything 100% worse. Everyone now knows I'm suicidal thanks to my failed attempt but instead of support I've been gaslit, constantly threatened with being institutionalized again by my care team, and now that the novelty has worn off I'm largely ignored by friends and family again as they live their own lives.

 

[terminatepain]

In the long hours when I lie in bed, I often fantasize about my CTB. I often imagined being in another person or world where CTB is socially honored. I become more and more immersed in these stories and can completely hide my banal, cruel world with it. I would even appreciate a chance to share these fantasies with like-minded people. However, I am afraid of being mistaken for sick because of it.

 

[MentalStefan]

Thank you for nice words!


No worries, I don't think you find me weird or want to be mean on purpose (the truth is that I know I'm weird, whether I want this or not so generally I am not offended if sb thinks I'm weird - that is just a fact). I generally spend a lot of time fantasizing since I can remember and I like to imagine lots of different scenarios but the one where I am a streamer is my favourite.

If I wanted to describe my every imagination I would have to write a couple of books I will just describe my "day-dream persona"

I like to imagine myself as a very thin, short person with a cute, childish face, nice long white hair, dog-like floppy white years wearing always long edgy black coat and, black t-shirt with some edgy content, standard blue jeans and big black boots. He is perceived by his viewers and other streamers as a nice, sympathetic, intelligent and wise person which is a talented programmer and cybersecurity expert but unfortunately has real mental issues, which sometimes make him behave and look very weird. Lots of people finds him creepy but the streamer treats it as his personal success (he is a horror streamer so he mean to be creepy). The idea is that at first glance he looks like an innocent emo femboy but he has some really deep secrets. I like to imagine I have two channels - one where I create and post educational content mainly about psychology, IT (operating systems, programming and hacking), mathematics, physics and gender studies (my imaginary persona is asexual and panromantic LGBT member; obviously has the same interests as me in reality) and artistic channel where he is a horror streamer and post vlogs, streams games, has adventures etc. His real past is very dark - he used to be a black hat hacker (type of hacker who uses his wide knowledge about IT systems for malicious, illegal purposes) and do awful things to get money which he spent on alcohol and drugs (e. g. robbing & scamming some people or getting access to various computers for malicious purposes). He did this to prove his family that he is not worthless and can make as much money as he likes. His family was and is very abusive to him and often gas-lights him which is the main source of his serious mental issues. He has bipolar disorder (recurring depressive and manic episodes), autism, BPD, social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, anorexia, has problems with controlling aggresion, often self-harms and has sucidal tendencies. He does not hide that he did bad things - he isn't scared of being arrested because of his past actions as he is sure that cops won't find any evidence of his malicious actions. There are often very interesting events during my streams - e. g. talking to a suicidal girl who is my personal friend and just wants to jump off a high building and has been surrounded by police and firefighters which are willing to "save" her (finally he persuades her to abort suicide attempt as she has a very low chance of succeding because of the police and emergency service; everyone thinks that he is a "pro-life hero" but it pisses him off as he is a pro-choicer and just wanted to show her more peaceful way of committing suicide).

Edit: I think the song below captures really well the vibe of my "streamer alter-ego". Half-joking, half-serious - his vibe can be described as "this type of evil villain who isn't really evil but has been forced to do evil things which corrupted him and made him crazy".

 

[stainedtips]

I wouldn't know the exact reason either, but I also fantasize about the aftermath, so you're the only one who does it.

For me, it's due to the message it would send, so I suppose you could consider it for the attention. I've been told to kill/harm myself, so my death would be a message to prove to these people that unlike them, who immediately cowers at the consequences of telling someone to CTB, I actually stood up and followed through on their word.

I've also been told to kill myself. They've also told me I'm too scared to CTB, so I guess I'm very inclined to do it to send a message, like you, but also to prove the people who immediately shut me down/make fun of me or tell me I won't do it when I talk about killing myself wrong. I wish they knew just how serious I was. But maybe it'd make the inevitable just a little more shocking

 

[BlueBaby]

In the long hours when I lie in bed, I often fantasize about my CTB. I often imagined being in another person or world where CTB is socially honored. I become more and more immersed in these stories and can completely hide my banal, cruel world with it. I would even appreciate a chance to share these fantasies with like-minded people. However, I am afraid of being mistaken for sick because of it.

You can share them with me if you want to, I won't judge. I can tell you my ctb fantasies too if it would make you feel more comfortable/understood

 

[woh6]

Yeah! Multiple plans, some that I would never attempt to do in real life.. also self-harm. Sometimes I draw them to give me visual satisfaction

In the long hours when I lie in bed, I often fantasize about my CTB. I often imagined being in another person or world where CTB is socially honored. I become more and more immersed in these stories and can completely hide my banal, cruel world with it. I would even appreciate a chance to share these fantasies with like-minded people. However, I am afraid of being mistaken for sick because of it.

You can share them with me as well, PM me if you'd like, I'd be interested to know more

 

[Lost Magic]

Yes, the feeling comes in waves. Sometimes I feel like, hey this isn't so bad and other days I just want to crawl into a ball in the corner. I physically don't want to be here anymore, because everybody I loved physically left their bodies. So, it makes sense for me to want to join them.

 

[blank_slab]

I often fantasize about suicide that involves some big scene i guess? I know that sounds bad and kind of like a jerk thing but like when i die i either want it to be funny or absurd in some way or something that will absolutely deform me beyond belief and will cause my adrenaline to absolutely race like jumping off a bridge or high structure but i often fantasize about an absurd way like going into the middle of no where with some explosive device and blowing it up while its in my mouth or something i know its a vulgar way to die and horrible for the people to find but its just my fantasies honestly i'll probably ctb through shotgun to the head

 

[spøgelse]

Yes. Usually in ways I have no access to. Most commonly blowing my brain out with a shotgun or with a revolver.

 

[enough of this]

Every Day.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

All day everyday.

 

[LittleJem]

before sleep, when I wake up and during the day…Before sleep it's generally a wish someone would hit me on the head with a rock. Strangulation fantasies. Being shot fantasies. Unlikely in UK!

Also funeral planning. I chose my biodegradable urn today which can be put in the river.

In my fantasy ctb it starts in a five star hotel I have always dreamed of staying in, with some cocaine so I could actually enjoy myself. Unfortunately the hotel is £700 on a cheap night. Then move to a cheaper hotel for two nights for ctb. Also the last foods I'd eat that week.

 

[JustWantOut500]

I fantasize about a world in which we're given a legal/painless option that isn't stigmatized pretty much 24/7.

 

[BBY]

I often fantasize about the after math of ctb. The affect it will have on people I dislike, if they'd feel guilt. Leaving a note saying to not let the attend my funeral and all other stuff. Ik it's kinda fucked up but I can't help myself. I wanna make them suffer in my little head scenarios.
Or recently I've been thinking about old online friend reaching out just before I do it. We just talk for a while and at the end I'll tell them this is the last time we'll ever speak.
My daydreams are strange sometimes lol.

 

[enough of this]

I often fantasize about suicide that involves some big scene i guess? I know that sounds bad and kind of like a jerk thing but like when i die i either want it to be funny or absurd in some way or something that will absolutely deform me beyond belief and will cause my adrenaline to absolutely race like jumping off a bridge or high structure but i often fantasize about an absurd way like going into the middle of no where with some explosive device and blowing it up while its in my mouth or something i know its a vulgar way to die and horrible for the people to find but its just my fantasies honestly i'll probably ctb through shotgun to the head

That's a very fast and humane way to go. Not such a good image for those who survive you, but there's nothing you can do about that.

I imagine myself take the cup of sn and fall asleep peacefully.

I wish you that peace.

 

[delusionalgirl]

Yes, very in-depth I do as I'm falling asleep for the last year or longer. It's not a way I would go because well it's a movie plot sorta. But last few nights it's been back and forth between what I'm going to do or if I have to switch to an alternate.