Venting Does anyone else ctb thoughts come in waves?

[Squiddy]

Mine do. I can go from a period of great optimism and think life is worth living to I want to die so bad all in a short period of time. Like right now, I really want to ctb and feel hopeless.

 

[S7W5115A9H0]

I feel absolutely the name. It varies a lot and that makes it also so hard to trust your feelings and to know if you are ready to CTB.

 

[watereyes]

No, they've always been here. Since I was 14-ish. Even in 'happy' moments I'm thinking 'if I had a gun I'd fucking shoot myself rn'

 

[MaybeSoon]

Mine do. I can go from a period of great optimism and think life is worth living to I want to die so bad all in a short period of time. Like right now, I really want to ctb and feel hopeless.

Yes. Mine are like ocean tides. Except that mine go out and come in at least 20 times a day, except nighttime when I'm permanently suicidal until I sleep.

 

[Squiddy]

Yes. Mine are like ocean tides. Except that mine go out and come in at least 20 times a day, except nighttime when I'm permanently suicidal until I sleep.

Yeah mine come that many times too

 

[Good4Nothing]

Mine do.
A little more than a month ago I was on top of the world. Just made a new girlfriend, was really looking forward to my future with her.
Then we both sabotaged the relationship all to hell and now we hate eachother and I want to die again.

 

[_Minsk]

I feel you squiddy, Its a constant up and down
Sorry for that post, thought this might fit very well, have been listening to it so often:/

 

[nerve]

They're always there in some capacity, but the intensity comes in waves. Least intense being "I guess I can put up with this for now" and most intense being "I need to exit this rotting brain as soon as possible and will only suffer until I do."

The speed and height of the waves is getting faster though, if that makes sense. The up-and-down is dizzying and it's harder to enjoy & utilize my "good days" since I already know what's right around the corner.

 

[lostangel]

Yes, I have brief glimpses of hope and then get dragged back to reality after a few days or minutes.

 

[beyond_aquila_rift]

Not for me. I've had suicidal thoughts for 14 years. There were "happy" times when I thought it could be okay. But always ended back in the same place- would choose death over life. Finally started looking around for methods this year and it's comforting to be able to have this site.

I've said a few times elsewhere I'm not really sure what's stopping me because honestly, I just don't want to be alive. Like at all...

If you are going back and forth or have waves I hope you are able to come to whatever conclusion is best for you. Is strangely envy people who can live happy and full lives and not even think about suicide or all this other related shit. but that's just not me.

 

[Squiddy]

So my cousin just told me that me feeling this way is a choice

 

[beyond_aquila_rift]

Well that's really messy. I just made a nasty face for you

So my cousin just told me that me feeling this way is a choice

 

[Soulless_Angel]

So my cousin just told me that me feeling this way is a choice

firstly they can fuck off
Secondly, I live by suicidal ideation, sadly its more active then I care to admit, this lockdown is keeping me safe, BUT I have day's I feel amazing and think suicide is not an option, but then I have days were I wish it would happen

 

[Blue Portal]

Most of my hobbies come and go in cycles.

 

[Deleted member 10475]

I've struggled with an ED on and off for a really long time and it's pretty much come back full force. So all my suicidal thoughts have been replaced by that for now.

But usually, when I'm feeling good on some days, I still think about wanting to die. It's not as intense but it's still kinda lingering in the back of my head.

 

[GoBack]

It used to be waves, with maybe years or months or just days in between. Then came a tsunami a few years ago that flooded me and it didn't go back out. I thought it did but that was the magic of valium that hid it for a while

 

[Meowkin]

Mine do. I can go from a period of great optimism and think life is worth living to I want to die so bad all in a short period of time. Like right now, I really want to ctb and feel hopeless.

I get that too. I was feeling quite positive for two weeks until 3 days ago. Out of the blue, my mood takes a nosedive and it feels like I've had a bucket of negative emotions poured over me.

 

[Squiddy]

I get that too. I was feeling quite positive for two weeks until 3 days ago. Out of the blue, my mood takes a nosedive and it feels like I've had a bucket of negative emotions poured over me.

It sucks. Now I'm feeling kind of neutral right now

 

[TheSoulless]

Yes, they can change very easily.

 

[willitpass]

Mine do. I can go from a period of great optimism and think life is worth living to I want to die so bad all in a short period of time. Like right now, I really want to ctb and feel hopeless.

i definitely do. i'm in a good period right now, but just got out of a few weeks of feeling absolutely suicidal and hopeless

 

[WeepingWillow]

So my cousin just told me that me feeling this way is a choice

People who say ignorant shit like this clearly lead charmed and sheltered lives. That kind of ignorance sadly is all too common and it really pisses me off.

Peace and love to you my friend.

 

[SpottedPanda]

I pretty much decided to exit in 2014, around the time of turning thirty. I'd never once in my life contemplated suicide with any degree of sincerity, but I knew I felt like this life game was at an end, the game was over.

Since then, persisting to this day, suicidal feelings come on as an inkling and then grow like a cigarette craving or a drug hankering. It's like being drunk when I'm suicidal, because however long it lasts it's like there's a shroud over my consciousness. Planning suicide is a coping strategy I unconsciously utilise. When I plan to die I feel free, I feel like I can handle a temporary existence.

Sometimes it does wear off, like a mediocre but persistent high. Then I'm at a base level, barely functioning outside the drive to eat, sleep, and entertain my mind. But it always returns, and with each return comes a new obstacle to overcome, and a new element to the plan, so I progress towards death with each time, so much so I feel I'm pretty close, depending on how effective the night night method can be. If after solid effort I get no payoff, it'll be back to putting together a new plan, that'll happen with each wave of suicidal feelings.

Occasionally I enter fight or flight mode after sensing that I'm genuinely close to death, and I act impulsively, spend all my money, or make other drastic changes in life. But distractions only last so long, and as I return to normal it's only a matter of time before the sensation sweeps over me again, and I'm moving ahead towards death.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

So my cousin just told me that me feeling this way is a choice

Pffft! You don't choose your feelings, only how you deal with them. It's not your fault you feel the way you do feelings are just feelings. You come a long way and done so much despite these feelings and that's worthy of admiration. Congrats on graduation too!

 

[Epsilon0]

So my cousin just told me that me feeling this way is a choice

Unfortunately, him being an idiot is not. Bummer...

 

[Bct]

Currently is on a bit optimistic wave after days of waking up want to killing myself

 

[niloc]

Yes. Granted, my issues seem to be most morrnings when I wake up and lie in bed thinking about how much I don't want to deal with the day. When you're looking up topics on here/reddit/etc - it tends to stick with you.

I really hope no one checks my phone history out after this is all said and done.

 

[Sadkitty]

They're always there in some capacity, but the intensity comes in waves. Least intense being "I guess I can put up with this for now" and most intense being "I need to exit this rotting brain as soon as possible and will only suffer until I do."

The speed and height of the waves is getting faster though, if that makes sense. The up-and-down is dizzying and it's harder to enjoy & utilize my "good days" since I already know what's right around the corner.

You put my feelings into words.

 

[muffin222]

Yes- that's my life in a nutshell

 

[niloc]

I have day's I feel amazing and think suicide is not an option, but then I have days were I wish it would happen

Sums up my last few months perfectly. It's mostly in the grey area in the middle that I'm living, but if I'm honest, the fact I've had several instances where I've actively had a loaded gun against my head ready to go seems somewhat reasonable. I want it to happenn-- I just can't do it.

 

[Squiddy]

Was doing ok last night, but today, they're strong again