Does anyone else blame themself for their desire to CTB?

[resolutory]

I've noticed that a lot of people here have good reasons, outside of their control, to want to CTB.

I'm curious though, does anyone blame themselves for wanting to CTB? I do!

I spend all my time complaining about not having the life I want but then in 2021 I had the opportunity to have the life I wanted and I threw it away. For no reason. I don't know why. Still to this day, I'm not sure. It was just impulsive. That's when I became truly nihilistic, with no hope at all, because I realised that even when things go perfectly for me, I'll still screw it up. Consequently, there's no point. There's no 'it'll get better!' or 'never give up!' because there's literally no point. I've had perfection and I threw it away and I don't even know why. Ever since then I've just been focused on death (although I've always wanted to die) and being resentful of myself for being to blame for not having the life I always hated that I didn't have. It was like God said 'You've waited long enough, tell me what you want!' and then gave me everything exactly as I asked for it. When I finally got a chance to have it, I threw it away for no reason. There's no point.

And I am responsible for it all.

 

[orca87]

Wow – that resembles my story to a surprisingly accurate degree

 

[TimetoGo!]

I've noticed that a lot of people here have good reasons, outside of their control, to want to CTB.

I'm curious though, does anyone blame themselves for wanting to CTB? I do!

I spend all my time complaining aobut not having the life I want but then in 2021 I had the opportunity to have the life I wanted and I threw it away. For no reason. I don't know why. Still to this day, I'm not sure. It was just impulsive. That's when I became truly nihilistic, with no hope at all, because I realised that even when things go perfectly for me, I'll still screw it up. Consequently, there's no point. There's no 'it'll get better' or 'never give up!' because ther'es literally no point. I've had perfection and I threw it away and I don't even know why. Ever since then I've just been focused on death and being resentful of myself for being to blame for not having the life I always hated that I didn't have. When I finally got a chance to have it, I threw it away for no reason. There's no point.

And I am responsible for it all.

yes.....I totally blame myself. Bad decisions and taking things for granted (wealth) , have put me in this position.

I totally feel what you have posted here.........................'ive had perfection and threw it away' 100% the same.

so sorry brother

 

[downndone2]

Yeah, I threw away my life on a business that failed. I also had illness followed by antidepressant withdrawal, then I was manic and spent tons of money gambling and excessive shopping. I ruined my marriage and damaged all my relationships. I'm literally talking $200k
Now I'm in massive debt AMF waiting to see what IRS damages are
I did it all to myself and I haven't wanted to live another day 4 sometime

I hate myself so much and the only way out is a winning lotto ticket or die

 

[Min-Ho]

I can relate so much to this, so many little decisions led up to this point in my life. I threw it all away (prestigious university, wealth) and the worse part is another individual who was in the same place as me is now doing extremely well in life. It's crazy how much everything can change.

Sorry that you feel this way homie.

 

[Forever Sleep]

No- not really. I think we all have reasons why we want to CTB. I don't see why there should be an obligation to feel grateful for something we didn't ask for- ie. life. Even if we happen to have good fortune now and again- being on a suicide forum I imagine likely means the bad far outweighs the good for most of us.

That said- I don't believe life owes us anything. In my experience- everything in life you have to work hard for. On the one hand, it's kind of pointless complaining how bitterly unfair it all is- seeing as it won't change. On the other though- why shouldn't we complain? We've been lumbered with sentience and life. Why should we feel compelled to keep trying to make it work?

Who is it we 'owe' this to? God? Our parents? Fate? They gave us the root of this 'problem' in the first place- by bringing us into the world. Do we owe it to ourselves in some way? To live up to our own potential or something? Where is choice in all this though? Personally, I value self determination above everything else. I think I'm mentally competent enough to choose my own fate- even if that means ending my life early because I want to.

 

[roadtogo]

I put myself in my situation, didn't learn the lessons, tired of playing the game and want out...

 

[JJMaynard97]

I've noticed that a lot of people here have good reasons, outside of their control, to want to CTB.

I'm curious though, does anyone blame themselves for wanting to CTB? I do!

I spend all my time complaining about not having the life I want but then in 2021 I had the opportunity to have the life I wanted and I threw it away. For no reason. I don't know why. Still to this day, I'm not sure. It was just impulsive. That's when I became truly nihilistic, with no hope at all, because I realised that even when things go perfectly for me, I'll still screw it up. Consequently, there's no point. There's no 'it'll get better!' or 'never give up!' because there's literally no point. I've had perfection and I threw it away and I don't even know why. Ever since then I've just been focused on death (although I've always wanted to die) and being resentful of myself for being to blame for not having the life I always hated that I didn't have. It was like God came down with a notepad and said 'Okay, what is it you want?' and then gave me everything exactly as I asked for it. When I finally got a chance to have it, I threw it away for no reason. There's no point.

And I am responsible for it all.

Yep me and me alone. I hate myself. So much!

I've noticed that a lot of people here have good reasons, outside of their control, to want to CTB.

I'm curious though, does anyone blame themselves for wanting to CTB? I do!

I spend all my time complaining about not having the life I want but then in 2021 I had the opportunity to have the life I wanted and I threw it away. For no reason. I don't know why. Still to this day, I'm not sure. It was just impulsive. That's when I became truly nihilistic, with no hope at all, because I realised that even when things go perfectly for me, I'll still screw it up. Consequently, there's no point. There's no 'it'll get better!' or 'never give up!' because there's literally no point. I've had perfection and I threw it away and I don't even know why. Ever since then I've just been focused on death (although I've always wanted to die) and being resentful of myself for being to blame for not having the life I always hated that I didn't have. It was like God came down with a notepad and said 'Okay, what is it you want?' and then gave me everything exactly as I asked for it. When I finally got a chance to have it, I threw it away for no reason. There's no point.

And I am responsible for it all.

It's me and me alone. I just don't want to be around anymore!

 

[Tartuffe]

Yes but I'm a nihilist. That's my excuse anyway

 

[NambaSutra]

I don't really blame "myself" but I blame my brain and it's stupid wiring and neurochemicals. I just can't feel happy about anything even for second and it doesn't really matter what I do.

 

[Foxes]

Yep, I absolutely blame myself. Not so much for the earlier stuff I experienced in life -- such as trauma, neglect, and abuse at the hands of people with whom I trusted and were supposed to take care of me.

But everything else after that has 100% been my fault. It took a long time for me to admit to that, too. It's a really bitter pill to swallow and far too late to undo.

 

[Unending]

I worry that I could have made better decisions but I can't say how much I could've realistically changed considering what I knew then and what I didn't know then.

 

[Noi]

I'm responsible for ending up as fucked as I am now. With better decisions I'd be less fucked but I can't say if I still would be suicidal or not. So I'm at least partially to blame for my desire to CBT, though my fundamental thought patterns and brain chemistry also do have something to do with it.

 

[Ki_Nam]

It's less of a desire, and more of a will to die.

 

[TimeHasCome6]

Well, I don't think I rationally blame myself, but I defiantly do. It's more of thinking that those I love will grow immensely sad. And more of a "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO THEM?!" Screaming in the back of my messed up mind.